LiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiar

I have always thought that there was really no saving me. Because secretly in my black heart I knew a secret: I’m a liar. None of the shit I have described had ever happened. Even though the flashbacks are so vivid and specific and repetitive. Even though family members correlate some of my stories. Even though I have scars all over my body. Even though I have had to have several surgeries to correct damage–damage during times I flash back to. Mom said I was a liar, so. I must be way fucked in the head to come up with these horrid images–what thew hell is wrong with me?

It hit me the other day. I have heard more times than I count that this is a very common phenomenom for survivors of child abuse, but never applied it to myself. Because I was lying, I am lying.

It’s just another level of acceptance. That shit could not have happened to me, I won’t let it be so. The odds that I would survive it all, well pretty big against it. It just cannot be.

So I’m sitting here writing this drivel, thinking to myself maybe. You know it’s all true. There is just too much collaboration, too many medical issues too many scars. You remember just too much.

Am I just a sick fuck liar? Or did it all happen to me? Yes, no, yes, no. No, it just could not have been. But I don’t lie about anything else. It’s one of the key behaviors in my religion for Christ’s sake. Speak rightly, truthfully. Right Speech.

Oh god. I have such self-hatred around this. I can actually see the walls of hate that surround me. Very thick, inpenetrable.

If it’s true there’s no reason for me to despise myself like this, which means I have no idea of who I am. Not a clue.

But God. I keep trying to think it happened to you, you know that all of it did. You know it. And each time I end up rejecting what I know to be true for the convenient song, liar liar liar.

Because if I am not some fucked up monster just coming up with shit, then any sense I have had of control is gone. I somehow got through it, yes. Time after time after time. But I had no control. No wonder I gave up any sense of power when I was six. On a bad Christmas Eve.

No control? No clue of who I am? Oh man. Lost. I think I will go away for awhile, at least until C gets back into town. Because this realization is killing me.

8 Comments

  1. Sarah Olson said,

    November 22, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    hugssss you will get through this, too. Don’t go away too far, ‘k?

    Sarah

  2. November 22, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    Having no feeling of control when you are a child or an adult is the most frightening experience for all of us who have been abused, especially if the abuser was our parent. That fear does make it so easy for us to be convinced that we are lying about the abuse. I understand this post so well.

    The reality, as frightening as it is, says we didn’t have any control at the time of our abuse. I have discovered over the years that when stuff like this comes up and the therapist or counselor or anybody else isn’t available to help me through it is because sometimes I just have to get through it by depending upon myself. It keeps me from becoming too dependent upon others for help. I had to learn to trust myself.

    Sometimes, as much as you doubt yourself, you do have all of the strength and all of the courage to face these things alone. You can be your own champion. I always hated those times when I alone had to do this stuff by myself. It does make you stronger. It does show you that you can survive again. You do have the answers. This is the time that you really have to trust yourself. You can do this.

  3. November 22, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    Splint,
    I still wrestle with this from time to time. When it makes too much sense it is so scary. But one thing that helps me during those times is this which my therapist said to me- If you were that good of an actor you would have many Academy Awards for best drama.

    Nonetheless, Splint all silliness aside you are truly an inspiration to me because you have been at this DID thing way longer than me. And when I’m ready to throw in the towel I read your blog or your tweets and I realize that there is life beyond those moments. Take a break and come back when you can.

    Love you bud.

  4. Tracey said,

    November 22, 2010 at 5:23 pm

    WOW..you sound really upset. If I could I would come visit you to try to make you feel better.

  5. November 23, 2010 at 12:06 am

    Oh, how I ache for where you’re at, hun. I have experienced that internal debate (several times), and it’s not a pretty one. I finally found that a shift in my thinking changed everything…

    A very good therapist whom I was seeing in the mid-1990s told me that ultimately it didn’t matter whether my memories (repressed, recovered or otherwise) didn’t need to be documentary-style truth. The bottom line, he said, was that they were real for ~me~ (us).

    Even if some of the things happened differently, or (in the most extreme and unlikely possibility) these things didn’t happen at all in the physical world, it is part of your own internal truth, your own internal landscape, and needs to be respected as such. For what it’s worth, I doubt very much that you merely imagined these events. You and I have some similar experiences, and it’s tough to accept that it’s possible people can commit such atrocities.

    As always, your mileage may vary. I’m just making a suggestion, in the most gentle and loving way I can. Please know that you will be in my thoughts (as you are most days).

  6. moreheads said,

    November 23, 2010 at 6:13 am

    Hey Gal…..

    I know that song! Eveey minute of the day, it sucks, but it’s hard to find the money and strength to push a different button on the jutebox.

    Just want you to know I’m here, with yah, understanding, accepting and fuck well knowing you’re NOT a liar! Also knowing that you are a wonderful, giving, compassionate, strong, full scale human being!

    Hugs…….
    Ravin

  7. Susan said,

    November 23, 2010 at 8:16 am

    A huge realization here Splint:) You can and are doing some really hard work my friend. Baby steps always are good:)

  8. Splinteredonss said,

    November 23, 2010 at 9:31 am

    Thank you all for your concerns and thoughts. I need to just stay hiding but so value all ur help. Thanks again.


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