All Roads

May trigger, be respponsible. It’s all just shit anyway.

It breaks my heart everytime I wind up here. That place where I am unseen, invalued, nonexistent.

It breaks my heart because I have had to work so fucking hard my entire life to just keep living. And in the end I can say that I might have felt ok for awhile–but it’s all just illusion.

I am of no value. Any chance that i may have been was stolen from me at a very young age.

I have lost the point of all this effort. It’s effort that seeks to make my life tolerable? Why live then if that’s the only purpose?

I could say that my life is about learning my karmic lessons. To be better, to heal. Maybe I have kbown my lrsson my entite life and that this is it. That i am unseeable, unable to be truly recognized or valued. In this case the best thong to do is to just start over and learn what i need to for the next time.

I am so tired. I am so over all this shit. I’m tired of banginv mh head against a wall so that i can achieve a few short time periods in which i don’t want to be just dead.

There are a few people who would be sad if i left. But they’d likely just be relieved in the end. I contribute nothing. And frankly i can’t keep breathing for the sake of anybody else.

To live for living’s sake makes no sense. There is no intrinsic value in existence bound by space and time.

All roads end here. I can expend every bit of energy i have to try to do this Healing thing but i never will be on that road. It’s just too much. There is too much fear, too much anger and confusion. Too much pain to handle.

I should have died so many times. It’s just pkain cruelty that I was left alive. Like keeping a serial murderer alive in prison for the rest of his life rather than granting capital punishment

I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep fighting and fighting and fighting anymore. It is just not worth it. Existence is killing me. I have tried. I have given this one all that I had. I have given people all i had and more.

And in the end? I’m exhausted and beaten and i just have nothing left to offer. Nothing left to give myself or anybody else. All roads eventually end up here. It’s been just too much pain.

24 Comments

  1. Sarah Olson said,

    December 18, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    Is it a coincidence that I wrote a long poem 37 years ago called “Roads”? This is the fourth verse. It’s how I saw *myself* way before I began remembering and dealing with all the crap of my life. I’m not at all saying this is about you. It’s about me, in darkness, before I had any clue just how dark it could really get.

    Roads (verse 4)

    There are people in this lonely world who know nothing but their pain.
    Their lives are daily struggles, not for love, but ease of strain.
    When it’s down to loss or sorrow, there’s always someone else to blame.
    They won’t see love when it happens.
    They don’t know why their life changes.
    They only know that their life’s map ends
    On a road that’s full of strangers,
    And not going anywhere.
    And they know that they should ask,
    But they won’t dare.

    (SEO 1973)

    It took years of effort and seering pain, and wishing fervently it would all go away each time my little morsel of hope was crushed, before I got to a place where that isn’t me anymore. But I never forget that it *was* me.

    All roads do not eventually or necessarily end up here in pain. It may *seem* that way for a very long time. But you have seen and felt that spark of hope, creativity, passion, and fire in you. Those same things sustained me just barely enough to keep going. They still do.

    What you may be missing is the fact that your road changed a few months back. It’s a lot of unknowns and uncertainty now; a lot of risks in believing in it. I say put your money on you. Take that chance. You are so much more than your pain.

    hugssss

    Sarah

    • Splinteredonss said,

      December 18, 2010 at 5:14 pm

      Always someone else to blame? Thanks

      • Sarah Olson said,

        December 18, 2010 at 5:32 pm

        Did you read the part where I specifically said I wasn’t at all talking about you, that this was entirely about me? Really?

        Sarah

      • Splinteredonss said,

        December 18, 2010 at 6:20 pm

        No

  2. James said,

    December 18, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    This resonates so much.

    All I can say is that as much as it hurts, you do have something to live for and are a worthwhile person. It feels hard, it feels pointless and it hurts but – believe it or not – there is something beyond that hurt and that’s hope.

    I know that’s not much comfort and I’m sorry to see that you’re so sad and exhausted with it all. It’s very different with me and my personal shit but similar in so many ways and this post touches on several things.

    Best wishes and hopeful thoughts. Pain isn’t necessarily always the end…

    • Splinteredonss said,

      December 18, 2010 at 7:19 pm

      Thank you. Christmas sucks. Ud think i could manage it by now. But i can’t

  3. Ravin said,

    December 19, 2010 at 9:21 am

    Hey Gal…

    Holidays suck and ones that carry these kind of nullistic memories crash into us like tzusomi waves. Having that fear for you life, realization that you could die any second, guilt that you weren’t killed, surviving so they/he could do it again and more…well it’s hard to see the present is separate. Cuz really it’s never going to be separate, there are no memory erasers. Far as i can tell it’s about figuring out how to live around this shit. I don’t know the formula, still trying to figure it out myself. I just try and give myself less stress, pare down the obligations where I can. Let the kids enjoy what they can with an eye to caution.

    Staying here, trying, attempting to heal… these are hard, not a walk in the park. Most of the time there’s no reward, no gold stars. We live off the little tidbits our T throws out. We try to bolster up any little positive cuz we haven’t found that place others have….the one where they see present as present and can see a future with less past intruding.

    We just ain’t got there yet! Not for not trying, cuz damn we try! We just can’t keep the “click” engaged for very long yet. So we turn to each other, to folks who get it (not exactly but close) and try to remember those moments of humanity in our unhumane mind scape.

    Sending you empathy and compassion.

    Ravin

    • Splinteredonss said,

      December 19, 2010 at 10:07 am

      Thank you honey. Wifwy keeps egging me on whixh is not helping a bit..since that is the thong that triggered me in the first place. Up up and awaaay goes my sanity this is a good day to isolate since I can’t find anything or anyplace that is safe. Keep telling her there is nothing i want but she’s refusibg to hear
      Me. Yet more invisibility. Well, gurss I don’t have to worry aboit healing anyway. This just may be a good jumping-off place.

  4. Ellie said,

    December 19, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    So why do you think you are still alive? Maybe you haven’t fulfilled your purpose in life? What do you hold on to that keeps you alive? Friends? Family?

    • December 19, 2010 at 2:49 pm

      I should have died when I was a child–many times. I assume I am still alive because I’m being punished for being horrid. They say you aren’t what happened to you but that’s not true.

  5. Karita said,

    December 19, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    Splinty, you may keep coming back to this, but you will always come out the other side. And we’ll just sit with you until you do. Friend, we love you.

  6. sanabituranima said,

    December 19, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    *hugs* I am so sorry for hat you’re going through.

    Things will probably be less sh*t when Christmas is over. Try to hang on at least until then?

    Go to hospital if you think it will help.

    • Splinteredonss said,

      December 19, 2010 at 3:23 pm

      Thanks. I was doing so well nut it has just overloaded, don’t see options. Is what is.

  7. December 20, 2010 at 6:34 am

    […] Splinteredones is feeling suicidal. (Link – discusses suicidal ideation, so don’t read if it’s not safe for you) […]

  8. Pandora said,

    December 20, 2010 at 7:12 am

    I know where you are Splint, and I’m sorry you’re there. It sucks. This whole time of year sucks, what happened to you sucks and having to fight so fucking hard just to survive all the time sucks.

    So I empathise. However, you say, “I have no value”. I know you won’t believe me, but this is so categorically untrue. You have such immense value to me, to the others commenting here, to people on Twitter – and we haven’t even met you. If you can inspire, comfort and befriend so many virtual strangers, you must be an even more remarkable individual in “real life”.

    I wish I could say something to make things easier. But all I can offer are my thoughts, love and lots of virtual hugs. Consider them sent to you.
    <3 xxxxx

  9. Splinteredonss said,

    December 20, 2010 at 7:40 am

    Thanks. Yah, the Black Pit really doesn’t have light. But thank you.

  10. Susan said,

    December 20, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    Ah Splint….if there were a trick I could pull off to make this all better, by god, you know I’d do it. Sine there’s not and I cant….trust that this is like those times before and it will also pass. The way to healing doesn’t come with a lot of fanfare but by putting one foot in front of the other and trudging through the muck and the shit; hang in there, my friend. You can and you are doing this very hard work bit by bit.

    I’m so sorry this is hitting you again….hopefully each time in and out of this dark place is longer between and faster though.

    • Splinteredonss said,

      December 20, 2010 at 2:48 pm

      Thanks honey. Eventually it has to pass. Give the calendar a few mote days…

  11. D F said,

    December 21, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Thank you for not lying to us and yes, there is much that sucks…. so I will not shine sunshine up your $#%# about a higher power or the cosmic payback system, the pattern is just too damn big to avoid if you are engulfed in it at your current location but before you check out, try moving to somewhere interesting, doing something different once you get there.

    I find it resets the clock and sometimes allows you to find another pattern for which to make all new mistakes (and get some familiar ones right the 3,4,5 time around the circle) and some times a few of us get inspired enough to have a good laugh at the utter irony of it once more. ;)

    • December 21, 2010 at 11:56 am

      Thanks for not loading on a pile of crap ;). This too shall pass. Is what is. In an important sense, no single individual can really make a shit of a difference, so que sera sera.

      • D F said,

        December 21, 2010 at 1:28 pm

        Keep whistling my friend…

      • Splinteredones said,

        December 21, 2010 at 2:28 pm

        Thanks. Heh

  12. Just Be Real said,

    December 26, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    My heart aches for your pain. Thanks for being transparent.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 66 other followers

%d bloggers like this: