Christmas Eve–Holy Terror

TRIGGER

Every Christmas Eve from ages2 to 12-13 i was raped. One can say all the platitudes in the world about how that was then and this is now and it can’t happen again and it’s only a date on the calendar and i have coping and blah di blah nothing can change the stark factset.

It is a horrible day for me. With the added pressure of family members calling me to wish me merry christmas and wifey trying to constantly distract me out of a serious funk.

Guess what? I don’t wanna be distracted out of anything. Horrible things happened to me on that day and i deserve to give them their due. My main focus is on staying alive and that’s that. Frankly my life means nothing on that day. I just want to be left alone.

But it’s Christmas Eve and one must be festive. So i strap on a smile and sink. Somebody else will appear i just habe to hope it’s somebody who has that brave face.

It so completely sucks. Why not every Flag Day or any other spot on the calendar when i can just stay in bed all day and feign the ‘flu or something????

Pedophiles, especially violent ones, love this kind of thing. And mine was very good at his job.

Whatever. Is what is. Everybody has their shit and this happens to be mine. I know I’m just whinging, it’s a hard time for so many of us. This is just my little piece.

7 Comments

  1. December 22, 2010 at 10:33 am

    I am so, so sorry for all that you have had to endure….you need to do whatever will help YOU to HEAL.
    (((((hugs))))

  2. Grace said,

    December 22, 2010 at 11:38 am

    My preference is to spend Christmas Day alone but don’t really have that choice anymore. For some reason Christmas Eve Day I’m okay and that’s when I celebrate (?)…exchange gifts w/BB. It’s just the two of us. I understand that expectation of others but I decided a few years ago, it is what it is, as you have. Wishing you physical comfort on your day of mourning all that was taken from you. Be kind to yourself. ♥

  3. December 22, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    You are right. What is is. It did happen to you. Honoring that it happened makes it real. It is real. Nothing can change that. Why put on a happy face? Those who know you will understand. Those who don’t aren’t important. Do what is necessary to take care of you and to nurture those inner children who were hurt every Christmas Eve. (((Hugs)))

  4. Karita said,

    December 22, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Just what Patricia said. Honour the day if that is important to you, I really hope wifey can allow you to be sad. And whatever you can do to get through it. If i can help at all, just shout. xxx

  5. Splinteredones said,

    December 22, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Thank you all for ur kind words.

  6. Just Be Real said,

    December 26, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    I am so very sorry what happened to you and for your pain. Here listening. Thank you for sharing. ((((safe hugs))))

  7. D F said,

    December 27, 2010 at 1:45 am

    I would hope you would send your wife to the spa on days like this… that way you can have your own time.


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