Splinteredones's Blog

I am sitting in a coffee place, killing time before seeing my therapist, C. And i am very nervous about it. See I haven’t seen the woman in over a month and I am very nervous about it.  I am pretry certain that she is going to dump me.  I also realize i am probably wrong, but i have been dumped without notice before and i don’t think it is out of the potential for possible behavior from her. 

It’s only hypervigilance i tell myself, sitting here drinking coffee and writing in my blog thru my droid.  My head and heart are booming.  I am thinking well u know u don’t want to start over, but it wouldn’t kill ya to take some time.  It has been kinda ok really, not having a therapist to lean on.  I haven’t yet fallen apart even though we’re in the throes of Christmastime.  No one is there to hold my hand and it has been okay.  Up down all around why yes. But i have gotten myself out of what shit I have dived into and so. 

I have lost some weight.  My head is still just killing me, no great gains in that department sad to say. Otherwise still going slowly down on the medications, not much else to say. My hair is likely longer.

About the only thing that’s changed is that i am not a fruitcakey mess. And that is not a bad bad thing.  So.  If C dumps me today I will be sad and sorry, but my life won’t end.  Nobody is going to play Russian Roulette on the side of my head.  The worst of my life is over and it is time for me to get moving along on the Getting Better train.  I just don’t want to start over with somebody new.

So there it is, my whinge. Either way i am covered.  If i am in a delusion or uber-perceptive…..either way i am covered.  Jeez, i guess i overpromised on the tantrum declaration.  That also is new.