Ur in love with ur ill.ess my therapist says.  I say no my past she says no.no. you have a thing for your mental illness,u mess with it all the time doesn’t leave much room for much else.

I suppose so.  I suppose i try to make it better by flying as close to it as i can. But u burn ur wings then no?  Yes i guess i do. I melt my wings flying too near to my own sun.

So here,i am.  Alot dissociated thryin to make my brain think of something–anything–other that this being left for dead thing. 

And so i am Dealing With It. Well, not as much that as putting it into a Limbo until i can get help sorting thru it all.  For the truth is that my perp was very careful to not leave visible marks on face arms legs. When i had to have surgery on my neck at age four it was never thought of to connect to him. His only slip-up.

So while i know that his threats to kill me left a big scar on my psyche, he would never have done so.  I assume now that when he played Russian Roulette on me there were really just blanks in the gun. 

But i still have this child this terrorized little child who believed him when he said oh ur still here i thought i had left you for dead.  He would nevah have taken my life because there would be much to explain, too much.  I wasn’t his firat victim after all he had three girls ahead of me who were his kids plus who knows how many other little girls or boys.

But here i go again, flying to the sun. Shut up, Terri.  Deal.

BAM! I had always assumed it was simple hypervigilance and delusion that caused me to so anticipate betrayals.  But my friend hit it clean on its head.

Somethi.g happens to a child when they are left for dead. To have to collect oneself, try to make necessary repairs, then pull it up and go back to said persecutor’s physical location. No one and nothing can ever be really trusted again.

Being left for dead is about as uncaring harsh cruel a debasement as it gets.  It has the stink of absolute worthlessness all over it.  We bond to our perps, that Stockholm Syndrome thing.  And then they assume we’re done in, useless, at some point and they leave us to suffer.  For some prsons like me it happened over and over again.  Left ya for dead he’d say.  You are a tough little thing aren’t you? I left you for dead out there…..

This is going to be one longass day.  Ouch.

It’s only hypervigilance i tell myself, sitting here drinking coffee and writing in my blog thru my droid.  My head and heart are booming.  I am thinking well u know u don’t want to start over, but it wouldn’t kill ya to take some time.  It has been kinda ok really, not having a therapist to lean on.  I haven’t yet fallen apart even though we’re in the throes of Christmastime.  No one is there to hold my hand and it has been okay.  Up down all around why yes. But i have gotten myself out of what shit I have dived into and so. 

I have lost some weight.  My head is still just killing me, no great gains in that department sad to say. Otherwise still going slowly down on the medications, not much else to say. My hair is likely longer.

About the only thing that’s changed is that i am not a fruitcakey mess. And that is not a bad bad thing.  So.  If C dumps me today I will be sad and sorry, but my life won’t end.  Nobody is going to play Russian Roulette on the side of my head.  The worst of my life is over and it is time for me to get moving along on the Getting Better train.  I just don’t want to start over with somebody new.

So there it is, my whinge. Either way i am covered.  If i am in a delusion or uber-perceptive…..either way i am covered.  Jeez, i guess i overpromised on the tantrum declaration.  That also is new.

Something  in the act of bleeding on cement knocks the God right out of ya.  Which is a good thing or so it seems to me. I liken this God idea to Glenda the Good Witch.  Pop on go the magic slippers so Dorothy can have these wondrous and terrifying adventures looking for the Wizard who regardless of how many people believe in him is pure fabrication.

You get the idea. No God. 

I am a rather spiritual person, as much so as I can be.  I have chosen Buddhism.  It is all up to me.  My job is to create happiness, moral rectifude, fairness.  It gets fairly complicated but that is the gyst of the thing.  I will be reborn up or down the ladder depending on how well i create positive change in this life.  It suits me.

Now.  I am not saying that the whole god thing isn’t good.  Go have a,blast with yours.  If it works hey great.  Just take a moment to consider yourself very, very lucky. 

For the rest of us, who do not live under a rock in America, are assaulted all day every day.  Sandusky takes breath.  Sandusky takes another breath, Patrno knew about it mentioned it to his boss who did nothing, Paterno drops ball.  Rapist runs free. 

As with every case that becomes a media darling, my news programs seem to be on the lookout for any shred of relevance that they can. I do not know how this coverage blitz has impacted the victims having nevr had justice myself, but i can talk about how it has impacted me.

I am a runaway train.  It takes all my energy to work out that Brave Face and i dunno for how much longer i can hold it up.  Ignoring it does not help me to process anything. Learn from anything. 

I wonder what would happen had the victims here not been little boys but little girls; I suspect there would not be near the coverage bomb. Guys in sports, guys in locker rooms, guys are impacted Especially Harmfully when they are the victims. For certain guys in the media are more fascinated.

I wonder about all the “faggot” tagging.  Jerry Sandusky may or may not be gay. That has nothing to do with him being a pedophile.

There’s justice. I never got it my perp died before i got the chance. It is a blessing and a curse to se that others atr getting theirs.

I am having flashbacks nightmares constant reels of my own child sexual abuse running in my head and it gets worse with every day. I am losing my grip. I see my pedophile’s face everywhere.  I cannot leave the house i cannot go away. Can’t drive or take public transportation and walking far is out.  I fear i will run into somebody some fucking perp. The guy on tv who was raping little boys is suddenly my own dead guy. I am very very confused. 

My thinking is very clouded. I can’t sit still and i can’t relax. I have decided that because my therapist is off today, AGAIN, that she cannot be invested in my mental health in any committed way. So there is a big new threat. 

I get really pissed off at what people say pretty much constantly. Media people talk about how it makes them sick to hear about these details they repeat over and over again.  Makes them sick?  Let us talk to people like me and then tell me all about how sad or angry or hopeless YOU feel. 

I can spin this thing around in a thousand views. But nothing is going to change anything.  Except possibly for me finding that therapist who gives a fuck. 

Psych drugs have terrible side effects.  Patients become easily attenuated so more and more,are needed ( see heroin/meth). Pharmacy companies make money (gasp) from their R&D. It is poison, regardless of circumstance.

Here’s the judgemental part I love.  People who take these drugs SHOULD throw them down the toilet.  NOW.  To save themselves. 

What I would like to say is this: how’s about you shut the fuck up.  Stop trying to inti.idate or frighten people who are made better from these medicines.  Stop trying to convince people that a dandelion root or sjohns,wort or meditation or whatever is just as helpful as shrink prescribed MEDICINE. 

See, you don’t make a good case…..ranting all over the place and proudly demonstrating your inability to state a legitimate and  balanced argument. 

I take a bunch of meds. Anti depressants,keep me from killing myself. Sleep meds let me….sleep.  Antipsychotics keep me from….seeing too many things that aren’t there.  And yes, XANAX XR keeps me from cou.ti.g things over and over and over again.  Constant checki.g. OCD.  I have been taking stuff since 1996. I know more about every pissy argument u have to say than u know yourselves.

So take your chamomille tea and walk on by. You do not have a clue as to anyones individual situation.  If something works for u fab best to ya.  But don’t go shrilling around me.

“Well that is a psychosis, psychotic thoughts. You do know that you do spend time in the same place a schizophrenic does, psychotic thinking right?”

Well.  Rather alarmed i squeaked out a muffled What. C says don’t worry dear you’re not there nearly as,much as alot of people. You’re only about 30% psychotic

Now i know it isn’t new news to me that my head is nuts….but no one has ever told me so before, much less put it in numbers for me. And then tried to sell me on the idea that having 3 thoughts in ten be grounded outside of the real world.  Seems alot to me

Nothing more is,said about this subject.  However i am left with the need to wear a special tshirt warning the world. Be going to a Special School, live in some halfway house or something. Be shoved away as,if 1950s retarded.

I can see myself retreating into my own little world so easily. Just fade away until i hit that magic 100% and can be finally left alone. With my psychosis.  Ew.

Thin year’s subject from what I hear is something like Investi.g in Mental Health. Since my nation does not have a national health service and as a writer i am tempted to think about my personal investment in my own mental health. What it has,cost me that 40-50 years ago some fucking sicko decided to use me as,his own personal whipping post with a series of holes drilled into it for phallus gun etc.enpuncturement. 

Doubtless I would not be on Disability, costing my country rwenty grand in my first week.  Since I went to college admitted as,a third year student set to be a JD and an MD in seven years I assume I’d be making some significant contribution to something somewhere.  And would be earning somethi.g in the six figures. Before i was struck down by my PTSD etc. I was successful in all I pretty nuch did so to have continued along that path is no big stretch.

So loss,of potential, part of my potential.  Yikes.  But as,to the scary part for me, here it comes: how much cash have I paid out for my shrinks and therapy?

Not hard to figure out. First one 24000 for 50 weeks. Second one 300,000 for 200 weeks.  Third one 500,000 for 250 weeks, Fourth one 50000 for about a year. Fifth and current one, also the best for as long as she keeps me, takes my insurance so she is,a chip-shot not worth mentioning.  Add in about !00,000 for the shrinks ovee all that time.

So there it is. I can’t bear to add it up but i have this math thing that just does it and,we are dancing around a,million bucks. Because a member of my family was a hideous violent sick pedophile and my parents didn’t care.

Uncle Norman is dead and so is my mother. Look out dad u are getting one big bill. Becauae the one thing that distinguishes my mental illness from all others. It is picked up bby the direct action of others.  It is not genetics it is not recreational drugs taken well too young. It is not plain bad luck.

PTSD is caught thru the actions of other people. Only. Somebody owes me a million bucks. Shit.

And sorry still about the typis. I still can’t read to correct them. Happy Mental Health Day.

In the end Dr Fred Ovsview reinforced every suspicion i had had.  Do i think there’s something wrong with my brain that ‘m back to hearing voices nightmares, etc? Yes i really do. Then you win the chocolate coin it’s that your brain is thinking in a pretty damaged way right now. You will get better but after that second concussion you were out of the game for awhile.

You will get better.  It will take 2. Years, but your brain will heal. If u wanna do therapy on ur brain now u can but you will forget it all so there is really not much point right now. But don’t worry you will recover. Fully.

He is giving me a physical therapiat who will direct my physical activities so that i won’t hurt my head, somebody who speciizes in people with brain injuries. Who knew.

He will make suggeations to my shrink about my drugs and to my therapist about her end. She uses CBT moatly & the doctor will help her out since i don’t have much Cognition. Thank you finally.

I would highly recommend seeing one of these specialists if u can. They separate ypur brain stuff from your mind stuff it is fascinating. O. K.

Anyway. This fellah I am seei.g today wants my entire psychiatric history plus what happened all tests doctors etc regarde my head. I’m on page 32.  That is gonna have to bs enough i think.

I ha e gone thru 23 different heD/ psych medications in the past 7 months. Nobody running the ship.  It is no wonder my pharmacists know me so well. What a ridiculous thing. Lots of doctors saying here try this blaht didn’t work really there must be something wrong with you. No shit. If there was nothing wrong with me i would not be at fhe do tors’, eh? Washi.gton’s white horse thi.g methinks.

Will this new do tor have anything novel to say? Or will this just be more smoke blown up my skift?  Tune in tomorrow for another chapter of As The Doctors Spin……..