Seismic Shifts

We learned some very important things yesterday. We learned that we’ve created a hundred ways to avoid dealing with the reality that we were horridly mutilated by many people we loved trusted and needed. We learned that this has kept us stuck for many, many years. We learned that one day we will be able to trust T (Therapist) when she says that she can take care of herself in being a witness to our horrific shite.

And while we still see ourself as a vile monster — it’s somebody else’s fault. Wow. This changes everything. Or rather one day it will….

Our immediate concern is frankly for our safety. T says that even though our entire emotional framework has been shattered in an ostopeorotic explosion, we don’t have to DO anything about it. We can just sit with the feelings no verbs are needed. We don’t have to tear ourselves apart either internally or externally.

Unfortunately the Four Furies who live inside us don’t really agree. They alternate between tremendous guilt for having been so wrong for so long and a serious need to tell her to f*ck off by dismantling our fragile hold on sanity.

We don’t have safe places to go to in our head. Largely because we don’t know what that means. A new girl popped out yesterday. Not really able to converse but she got out some very strong emotional crap. As we’ve said before there is no magical pixie dust in our head to let us really help this poor thing. Containment is not our best talent right now and we fear this new one will be popping up all weekend long. Which would just so suck.

T tells us that this is a fabulous shift in paradigm. Not sure that we agree. Hum. Looks like a nice day to just say screw it and have some fun. Hope that a good one inside us comes to the rescue.

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