Non-existence of a spoiled American

We do not exist. We are a spoiled upper class American who has no real responsibilities. We don’t Have to think about the bills or about a job with a boss or about much of anything but the cesspool that looks back at us in the mirror. We don’t have to worry about any negative ramifications of being a lesbian other than the fact that in this country we are denied the basic human civil right to marry our beloved life partner. If anything we are over-supported in that gracious way liberal Americans have of being overly solicitous toward things that make them uncomfortable. Makes them feel better about themselves more open-minded by knowing somebody in a social minority. “Some of my best friends are you people”. You people, just keeps us in that box.

We are in the midst of a great shock to our System. That fragile deck of cards that has kept us in our vicious cycle of self-harm has fallen to the ground and we are completely shut down. We cannot feel a thing. People we had loved and needed and trusted did horrible, horrible things to us.


We were raped and sodomized and passed around for gang rape. We were fooled with with our entire family in the next room. We were told that we were making things up that no one in mom’s family would do such a thing. We were told how much happier our parents would have been had we never been born. We were left alone for weeks at a time before we were ten years old. With no way of contacting anybody for help. We had monsters ruling our head.

We once had an eidetic mind. We were a brilliant child no school could keep up with us. We should have helped so many people but any potential for good was kicked and hit and raped out of us before we were barely in school.

*******END OF THE BAD STUFF FOR NOW***************

Anyway. The bottom line is that we are just a spoiled American who has nothing to offer the world. It was easier thinking that we were inherently evil. We can’t handle the knowledge that people mAde us the heap of useless that we are today.

Last night we watched the movie The Soloist. It’s about a journalist for the LA Times who befriends a schizophrenic and brilliant musician who lives on the streets because he cannot handle his mind. This musician happened to be a cellist.

Our sister was a hyper talent on the violin. The sound of her practicing was everpresent in our childhood. Bestial things were happening to us in the next room, always with Bsethoven in the background.

We are lost. Lost in the world of flashback. A hundred splintered flashbacks are constant in our mind and now there’s nowhere for us to run. In this flick there is a constant of mentally twisted street people, all running for their lives.

There’s a bottom line to this story. We are nothing but another whining rich American. We have a home and we have a shrink and we have therapy twice a week and we think nothing of the bills. Whatever horrors we’ve endured are nothing next to the suffering of the millions of poor lost souls who can’t even find safety indoors.

We have been given so many gifts. A brilliant brain. The best education that money in this country can buy. We have a wife who loves us. We paint pieces that are so stunning that they have made people cry.

And yet here we sit. Frozen feeling nothing. Where is the compassion that should at this moment lift us up, go down to the tunnels on Wacker Drive and do good for those who are suffering to be warm in the frigid winter day of this city?

And yet we sit, struggling for a reason to be alive.

“Soon you’ll be Queen of England. Not all eyes will cry for you”. –The Lion In Winter.

Yep. Just another spoiled upper-class American bitch who would probably be better off dead.


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