Suicide By Horror

January 18, 2010 at 2:23 pm (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor)
Tags: depression, DID, self-injury, SI, therapy

It had been a long, difficult week. We had come out with our first horror stories to T on Thursday and by Friday afternoon we were a trainwreck of rage and destruction. We had always had a built-in stopgap when things got too scary. The Four Furies would get called up with all kinds of gut-wrenching nightmares and day terrors. They pulled up a hundred screaming voices that had more than once made us bleed thru the ears. They filled our head with horrid disturbing images of us being physically ripped apart, which had the effect of driving us quite mad. Blood all over the place…just a horrific mess.

The Four Furies played an important role in our system. They protected us from physical self-harm figuring that this brand of torture was far more devastating. The Four Furies are not interested in killing us. They want to keep us alive so they can rip away at us all the more.

So. About a month ago T had taken the Four Furies away from us. Which was fine until we needed them. This past weekend.

With few available options to get the word out about our pain, we decided on a plan that made absolute sense at the time. We booked a flight to Haiti. We had arranged to be one of those people who sit with survivors and hear their horrible stories.

We were set to leave on Sunday. Figuring that there are a million ways to die there. Mostly we were imagining death by horror. Tha we would hear so many stories of such human carnage that somehow it would surely kill us. And if that didn’t work after a day or two, there would be plenty of guns and things around so that we could just do it and be done.

Wrinkle in the Plan. The Voice of Reason emailed T with our intentions and she told us to be sure to come to Monday’s session. The VR has no influence but somehow managed to get a warning out. We don’t blame her, she is just a fool. But that our plans were ruined or at least delayed has only served to further send them spinning into a rage.

It is an appaling thing, to use the plight of those millions of poor people for our own ends we get it. But the Furies do not care. They are stone-cold bitches who have a job to do.
And there is more than one way to skin a cat.

We were packing on Saturday and somebody put sunscreen in the suitcase. Sunblock??? Surely we’d be dead before the sun charred our lily-white ass…..

And so. Our plans to exploit the poor people of Haiti are on hold until after our meeting with T today. We’ll just have to live it and see.