“A-Hah” & Our Poor Therapist

January 22, 2010 at 2:56 pm (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor, Lesbian)
Tags: DID, dissociation, epiphanies, PTSD, therapist, therapy, therapy win

It’s Fridwy so we must be writing about therapy. Poor, poor T. She had to really work hard to keep up with all the goings-on yesterday afternoon. Alters were flying in and out all ovah the place.

This will in all likelihood seem to be a very disjointed post. Because it’s been a very disjointed time and so. We will try to be clear on the cast of characters without boring you to tears. Hah.

Anyway. What had happened to us was that We had an epiphany that cut to the heart of several of our parts. All in their own unique ways, of course. And, we being who we are, everybody involved wanted to talk all about it.

So, first the epiphany. We were in this humongous rage on Monday when we were there, probably the strongest emotion we’d ever felt consciously to date. T made a suggestion why don’t you try to rip a phone book in two? She was talking about coping skills….sigh, still….and something about this idea just hit home.

What poor T meant was that the whole point of therapy is to experience the emotions that had overwhelmed and fractured us. Not run away not laugh them off. Not shut down and not give in to brutal self-harm. Experience them at the level and in the alters they find themselves (mostly children). And to learn to share hence heal from them.

Why we had never made this connection in 12 years of CBT we do not know. Grr. Anyway.

So. Make a short story long, here’s what happened. Poor, poor T.

Walk in sit down hi it’s me the Weaver. ( Who never starts things off. The Weaver is the one who throws ou our various people, like a weaver throwing color into a moving loom). I have had an ah-hah moment since Monday and alot of people want to talk to you about it. T says really? Ah-hah what? Well the whole idea of this is to go thru the horrible shit that’s in us, to stop running away from it, right? Like Monday? T looks, writes furiously. Tell me more about that. Well, the way to heal from this horrific shite is to actually feel the feelings, experience them emotionally at the places where it was too much, right? Get rid of the Furies and stop running away? T looks like she’s in a moment of glory. Yes, that is what it’s about. Sharing the information and growing everybody up? Yes, exactly. That’s it.

Yep that is what I thought. Okay, so am I just an example of running away? Is that all that we are, this whole fucked up system? Well, no no exactly. You were born to help Terri cope with things for which it’s impossible to cope. You are her saviors, at least that’s how I think of you. Hah well I feel pretty redundant about now…no, not at all. You are still very, very important. Well, alot of them want to talk about this and what it means. T says okay, writes furiously. So I’m going to start with red, I’ll throw her out first. Great

~~~~~~(time passes posture change). Hi! Hi there, am I talking to red? Yup hah did I surprise you? (red is a 5 year old girl, the first to identify herself. She’s been gone for abit). No I heard you were coming. The nanny told me that I’m not bad. The nanny is right you’re not bad. What do you think about that? I did bad things. What bad things did you do? I touched his Thing. Whose Thing? Uncle Norman. Well, did you want to do that? Ick no. Ick. Did you have a choice? I dunno what that means. Well, it means did he make you do it? Uh huh. That’s what I mean, you didn’t have a choice about doing it or not. It’s not your fault there was nothing you could do. But I did a bad thing. Well, do you remember me telling you that it’s not your fault? Uh huh. You are not bad, Uncle Norman is the bad one.

The Big Ones do bad things. They do? What bad things do they do? Uncle Norman things. Well (sigh) are they afraid? No. Are they unhappy? No. Do they want to do them? Yes. Is this sometimes with the other girl who lives there and sometimes just them? Uh huh. Well that is what sex is. It’s a thing that adults get to do if they choose to and if they want to. (confused). I just go away now ( red had had an irritating way of popping in and freaking out at the wrong time). Well, I think that’s a good thing. Do you remember me telling you about adult time and how that is not time for you? Uh huh. Well, that’s what I was talking about. Okay.

There are other little kids. Yes, that’s what I hear. Do you know much about them? Nope only that they’re there. Well, you know alot more about the world than they do, maybe someday you can tell them about it, like how nanny talks to you. (doubtful). Maybe. I gotta go now. Okay I am glad to see you again okay I gotta go.

~~~~~~~~~(posture change). Hi. Hiii, who am I talking to? The new kid. Ah, the one who likes physics? Yeah well I am very happy to see YOU again ( NK had told her abuse story last week, been out abou a month. Horrific. She’s 7 or 8). How are you? Somebody talks to me. Really? Good is her name the nanny? Uh huh. Well good what does she say? I’m not bad. That is very true, you’re not bad but I did very, very bad things. What things did you do I already told you (freak). Well what I heard you say was that your uncle Norman did many very, very bad things TO you. That you did not have a choice. I am so, so bad. What do you think about what I just said, that you’re not bad? Shrug I dunno. I did such bad things. You are not bad because of the ghastly things that were done to you. Your goodness does not depend on what was forced on you. What do you think of that? Shrug (disbelief). I gotta go. Okay. Do you remember me putting you to sleep so you could rest? Uh huh but I can’t find it now. Do you want me to help you find it again? Uh HUH. Okay (counts down from 5, talking and counting down) and One central can come out.

~~~~~~~~Hi. Hi is this central? Yup. Love that thing you do to the new kid she’s never rested before. Good. (central is the main adult who is out the last 15 minutes of every session. She knows some things and not others). So, I hear you had an epiphany? Yes pretty cool. It has had quite the impact. Yes I can tell I’ve talked to red and the one who likes physics. Ah, go well? Yes I think so. They don’t get consent no well no they don’t. Well let’s give them some time to think about it yep

~~~~~~~~~~~~Hi. Hi there, is this still central? Nope, the voice of reason. Oh, hi there how have you been? Good thanks. Thank you for the email telling me that Terri or some others were on the way to Haiti. Yes, stupid idea hah. Well, you see how conflicted you all were about that. Yea, somebody packed sunscreen hah. Whole idea was to be dead before her lily-white ass got fried hah. Idiots. Well you can see the conflicts about it. Is that idea still on the table? No it’s gone good. Yeah, that would have been not so much.

Anyway I wanted to make sure you knew about the epiphany I gave them. Yup I have been hearing about that! Well I have a concern. I am totally willing to go with it but what you saw in her rageout on Monday, that was nothing compared to what’s inside. Well, I am sure that there is alot of horror in there. Yes and I fear that it will be too much to handle one day coping skills or no. Are you sure that there is a way to deal with it? I mean, can we do it? (look, writes furiously) yes absolutely. That is what we are going to do. Together. Here. It’s pretty bad in there….Yes I’m sure it is I’m sure there will be times like the rageout, even much worse. But we can handle it. You’re sure? Yes I am very sure (believes it). Great, well that’s all I wanted to know. So I’m on board. I know that means nothing because I have no influence bu there it is anyway. Well we will have to figure out ways to give you more oomph. I think that’s good but it could just be me talking….okay take it easy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~. Hi. Hi? It’s me again. Central? Yeah what happened dunno. Somebody else popped out, the voice of reason do you know her? Vaguely, she’s totally naive. Funny I don’t think so …. I told the story about getting bit on the clit you know the nerve damage thing, on my blog, and people had these weird reactions. Weird how so tell me more about that. Well, like mad and sad and oh-how-horrible, you know. Appalled. Hah. What do you think about that? (shrug) nothing, really. Hah. Trying to keep a sense of humor about it. I notice that youndo that, that you laugh alot about what was done to you. Yeah well we don’t know what else to do.

LOOK. LOOK. LOOK. SILENCE. LOOK. Because you know it’s not funny. Yeah I know. LOOK LOOK LOOK. It’s not funny at all. People are expressing normal human reactions. Do you know that? (shifts uncomfortably) yeah suppose so. Maybe you should think about your reActions to these normal. Human. Reactions. Yes well time must be up by now? Huh? Jesus I’m tired why am I so tired?

Poor, poor Therapist. Poor, poor T.