Laughing because we can’t cry

Therapist Stares us down. Wants to make a very clear point. Silence. STARE. STARE. STARE. It is not funny you know. You went thru ghastly bestial sexual abuse when you were so young. It is not funny. Having nerve damage from getting bitten in a horrific place, that is not funny.

I want you all to look at me. All of you can you do that? (sulk). I wan the weaver to throw up all the colors in the loom at the same time. Or at least have everybody listening to me. Do it now.

IT. IS. NOT. FUNNY. What you are doing in here with me. IT. IS. NOT. FUNNY. what you have to cope with on a moment-to-moment basis. Your pain.

IT. IS. NOT. FUNNY. Do you know that? (more sulking, shutting down). Yes, we know. They know. Everybody knows it’s not funny bu we don’t know what else to do and so.

You can try actually feeling what you’re feeling. (mild panic). Well, umm, it’s really just too much isn’t it? I mean in what context can we ever let it be okay?

It will never be okay, what all those people did to you. NEVER BE OKAY. What we can do is to stop hiding, stop laughing about it and go thru it all together. Here. (don’t believe it).

Oh come on, it is pretty funny really. I mean, we go to the DMV and it messes with our sexlife for a day? We don’ know that we even exist? Up until the other day we havel a Part that has never gone to rest? Waking up in another country? Come on, you can’t say that’s not so freaking weird that it’s not funny. Come on, it’s weirder than Monty Python for god’s sake. It’s like Benny Hill stuff. You can’t say it isn’t amusing.

YOU. ARE. HIDING. I want you all to look at me. Look at me. YOU ARE HIDING BEHIND THE HUMOR. THIS IS NOT FUNNY. (grumble grumble). Honestly? It has to be funny. Otherwise we will start to cry and we will never stop. She will end up in the nutward and this time they’ll never let her out. Well I wouldnot let that happen, that you would never get let out. You may very well end up there for a
Short prior of time or two as we dig thru this but I will not allow you to be committed for the rest of your life.

This is going to be very, very hard. Yes. But you need to recognize that it is very painful stuff. The things that were done to you were simply ghastly. GHASTLY DO YOU HEAR ME? Ghastly.

That is the reality of the thing. Have you ever cried about it?God no. Why not? Because that would make it real.

It is real. You have physical scars, many physical scars, right? He wasn’t a beast only to you, right? So we KNOW that it is real. (gotta get outta here). I want you to promise me tha you will not laugh about any of this until I see y’all on Monday. We can’t make that promise. Come on, lightenup. IT’S FUNNY GOD DAMMIT! IT’S FUNNY IT’S FUNNY. IT HAS TO BE FUNNY BECAUSE THERE’S NO OTHER WAY TO SURVIVE!

Sigh, writes furiously. This is your homework for the weekend stern look. Do you hear me? This is your homework for Monday. I want you to think about normal human reactions. I want you to think that a normal human reaction to what you’ve been thru is horror. And fury. And deep sadness. (so you see we’re inhuman after all bitch).

We don’t have anybody who has that job. Well then. Assign an empty to it temporarily if you have to (empties just sit around waiting for something to do, adaptation to new circumstance). I want you to think about it though.

So. Must be about time to go, eh? (it’s not time to go but we gotta get outta here). So. How many Irish grandmothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Don’t mind me I’ll just sit here in the dark. Have a good weekend (bitch, what a killjoy).



  1. sexualselfinjury said,

    January 23, 2010 at 10:30 am

    I’m newling diagnosed with DID. I’m sorry you’ve gone through so much pain.

    • January 23, 2010 at 11:11 am

      Thank you, how nice! Yes us too. October ’09. It’s been a busy ride. Be courageous. Helps us to sort of turn off any self-judgments and try to just be observant. Try to avoid thinking about what it all “means”. And seeing a specialist was very important for us, too. Feel free to read our progress thru this blog, you are mot alone. 😉

  2. January 23, 2010 at 10:46 am

    Oh splintered ones I can see why you need to hide behind the humour, it sounds incredibly painful and you are being very brave to look at it with your T. She sounds pretty lovely (if challenging!). I hope that you can begin to find ways to survive that allow you to acknowledge the awfulness (slowly) and begin to heal. Love and strength to you,

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