No color for Coping

If it’s Tuesday we must be talking about therapy. There will be some *****TRIGGERS****so beware.

Walk into T’s office. Hi there hi who are you oh nobody (nobody is a deliverer of messages). Well hi there…..They’re in a rage. Total rageout meltdown. Ah, so do you know what happened? Yes, well. She got this new game for her wii, you know how she uses that thing to zone out…yes not the best idea but I know about it….well, in this game it’s called wakeboarding. Wakeboarding is like slalom waterskiing, you know, only one ski. She’s good at it because it’s all about rhythm. Anyway, she was playing along then WHAM! got slammed by memories of when she learned to do it. Really, what happened? Well, Norman (the pedophile) took her way up in Wisconsin to this lake. Thunderbird Lake whatever. Remember talking about how they throw up when they smell pine forests? Yessss….well this is why.

***MAY WANT TO SKIP THIS PART*********

Among other things when she was chained up naked to a tree in the night he raped her with this long gun he had. I don’t know guns if was a…rifle? Sort of a short cold metal muzzle and this wider wooden part. Can you feel that now does it feel like that is happening now? To the kid it happened to, yes. Hurt like a sonofabitch I do know that. Does this new one, does she feel that right now? Yes. Is this a new thing a new memory a new sadistic thing no somebody has always know it but somebody’s experiencing it at a more intense level right now? Yes. From a wii game? Yes.

***OKAY THAT PART IS OVER *******

Well says T you have stuff all over the place right now don’t you? Yes. Does this feel like a crisis thing? (no answer of course it is). I mean, things are pretty chaotic, right? Yes, very. Like last week, going to the fucking DMV fucking with getting laid because of the teenagers yes that is what I mean…..

Well, they are in a rage. Well the one who experienced this is going to have to talk about this at some point so that we can move through it productively. But I think before we do any more of that we need to ge you stabilized so that you can manage the aftereffects of these things. Well yes. Because it sounds more and more like you are getting struck by stuff all over the place…..yes and as you know they have no coping skills. I mean, they’re trying to feel things you know go through them, right? Sit with them and experience them for the first time without hiding or hurting themselves or whatever? Yes, well that’s the idea but first we have to get you safe.

T says I know that we have talked about this, can you come up with a room or some sort of container to put things in until you can get here? (hidden rage). Well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Enter the Furies. (self-abusers of protection). Hi? Yeah it’s the Furies. Look we have told you this the container thing. It doesn’t work that way. Lemme try to explain. Again. On the very top is the Weaver. She sits atthe top of the pile. Picture a gigantic loom, shuttling back and forth, back and forth. The Weaver decides who to bring out to do what. Like throwing out colors we are really just all colors. And on the other side of the loom is the tapestry that she produces. That is her life, that tapestry. So okay (nastily) do you get this now???? It’s not a spatial thing it’s all about the colors.

The issue since you taking us away to hurt them and make them safe is that there is no color for coping with this shit. For feeling all of this. No color coming, the loom has stopped.

What does that mean, the loom has stopped? It’s frozen, the system. They are all frozen. Somebody drives and somebody brushes her teeth. And that’s about it.

That’s about it? Is she eating they haven’t eaten in days we don’t think. (writes furiously). The wii says she’s losing weight way too fast…..anyway you taking us away, you have to give us the color for this coping bullshit because everything’s falling apart…..

T says well we have argued before, right? I am very confused I don’t understand how you protect her by all of the self-harm that you have done…(nasty look). Okay. We are like the circuit breaker. When it’s too much for the other colors we come out to make sure everybody knows just how much she hurts. Crystal clear. But you’re telling me you are in a rage, that many parts are in this blinding fury, right? So at some level doesn’t somebody know how hurt they are? Because I have talked to other parts and they seem to very much know how much they hurt….

Well, you have a point. We will change to better protect her, I mean that’s our job. T says she doesn’t need protection any more. She needed protection from a very sick deranged and sadistic man when she was young but he’s dead and it’s over. She doesn’t need protection (not beliving it). Well then just what the fuck does she need? She needs safety. Think of it this way, safety. She needs somebody to get in touch with me when there’s a crisis happening or when she’s not eating for days, that kind of thing. If somebody gets suicidal. Is anybody suicidal right now?

RAGEOUT. LOOK THEY COME HERE AND YOU CARE ABOUT THEM FOR 45 MINUTES TWICE A WEEK AND WE’RE LEFT WITH THE REFUSE. THERE IS NO COLOR FOR COPING AND IT IS JUST A DISASTER!

*****careful here trigger warning********

I MEAN SHE WAS FUCKED WITH A GUN FOR GOD’S SAKE. I MEAN(pounding on self, kicking etc) HE FUCKED HER WITH A GUN!!! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!!!!!LIKE WHEN HE LET HIS BUDDIES GANG-RAPE HER, ALL
THOSE MEN SEEMED LIKE FOR HOURS ALL YELLING AND CHEERING AS IF SHE WASN’T EVEN THERE!!! WHAT THE FUCK WHO CAN EVEN IMAGINE THIS SHIT IN THEIR MIND FOR FUCK’S SAKE??????AAAAHHHHH!!!!! GOD!!!!

***** should be okay now********

T is sitting forward in her chair also speaking rapidly. Some of her parts are http:experiencing this anger for the first time, aren’t they? YES I MEAN WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK MAN?? LIKE SHE WASN’T EVEN HUMAN LIKE SHE WASN’T EVEN THERE!!!! T says that’s exactly right, they didn’t treat you like you were human, like you had any rights at all. He treated you like garbage. NO FUCKING SHIT!!! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!! GOD THIS HURTS!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!

(significant pause in the action, Furies stop screaming)

And this is exactly why you have to give us the color for dealing with this shit. I mean, you want for them to feel this shit, right? We have to deal with it to get to whatever other side there is, right? T says to healing, yes. That’s right. So tell us what to do. Well, I think that if you can provide her with safety like we just talked about that would be a good thing. Yes, well, we don’t know anything about safety yes I know. But just start with the basics, how’s that? Get her eating and taking basic care of herself that would be good. If it feels like a crisis and she needs to see me you can let me know. If she’s getting suicidal can you let me know?

AAAAHHHH WHAT THE FUCK MAN HOW CAN A PERSON DO THOSE THINGS? I don’t know. Is anybody suicidal right now? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(another significant pause). T says I want you to know that this is a really big deal, that parts of you are feeling this rage now. She says I think it’s because you have stopped hurting her, like there’s space for it. She says this is huge progress and I want all the parts of you to know that I think that. You have been working really really hard. I know how you are feeling, I know that it is just horrible. But this is a really important part of it. Can you get that message out?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Hi. Hiiiiii, who’s with me now? Central well hello there, hi. We are in a blind rage. Yes, that is what I hear. Do you know who all is feeling this way? (dismissive hand wave) oh you know just the ones who do. Is it a new thing for some of them oh yeah, totally. We are falling apart. Yes, that is how it seems….We’re just frozen, you know? How’s that? Frozen like they cannot function. Well I hear that it’s kind of overwhelming right now yes and I was talking with the Furies they are going to attend to some of that basic self-care stuff. Really? Well that makes sense….Because what you went thru is pretty awful, isn’t it? Yeah. And so dealing with it is going to be pretty bad at times too. Yeah well violence is afoot. Sorry? Violence, there’s violence about. Well that doesn’t surprise me. You have seen alot of violence in your day.

Yeah. It’s the trying to not go away or whatever. You know, this dealing with it this coping thing. We’re a trainwreck because there’s just no color for coping…………God I’m tired. Why am I so tired? (throat hurts).

T says so until you got here, what has been going on about this rage what do you mean I mean what have they been doing about it pushing it down. (short silence). Well you know what I think about that that it’s not the best idea as we are seeing just now….

Shouldn’t we be feeling sad about all of this shit? I mean, it seems like that would be appropriate or something. Yes, one day you will be. And that is going to be hard. Harder than this? Oh we are just at the beginning we aren’t really anywhere yet. Although this is huge dis you get that message yeah well we don’t so much feel like having a party in the streets right now.

I know.

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

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16 Comments

  1. alice said,

    January 26, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    call me crazy, but i think it’s good that you can feel anger about what happened to you. i mean i know it’s not good right now because nobody knows what to do with the rage, but you couldn’t be angry at the time and some would find it scary to be angry even now after the fact because they might feel they had no right to be.
    anyway, this isn’t helping. just know i’m reading and sending as much light and positive energy your way as i can.

  2. January 26, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    What a horrible session – I’m so sorry such horrors had to be relived. For what it’s worth I agree with Alice though – in a long-term sort of way, this was hopefully productive. But I can’t imagine how much it must truly fucking hurt right now.

    I am so sorry you had to endure this hideous abuse.

    Gentle hugs x

    • January 26, 2010 at 6:13 pm

      Thanks so mucho. It’s the actual feeling it, y’know? Sure we had a horrid sadistic bizarre pedophile…..but feeling it now, even just the tiny bit that we’ve begun to do. Finally real. Sucks.

      Your comments make us hurt less. Thank you.

  3. me said,

    January 26, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    keep screaming
    keep breathing

    • January 26, 2010 at 6:29 pm

      First things first???? Right. Ps love ur writing.

      • me said,

        January 26, 2010 at 6:32 pm

        thanks

        i keep seeing people saying comforting things to you – and mostly, you respond positively to that. i just wanted to say – i wouldn’t be able to. when i am in a batshit blind rage and running around like a stabbed rat, i tend to tell a lot of people to fuck off. not nice, i know.

        so … ur doing well!! 😉

      • January 26, 2010 at 6:46 pm

        Huh, that’s true. Wow more fodder for therapist’s gristmill……

  4. me said,

    January 26, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    perhaps i am just a grumpier woman than you are

  5. January 26, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    Well, we did hack a pillow to death with a rather large knife this afternoon…and think we may have broken a finger on a wall. Note to self–bettah work on that!

  6. Tiger said,

    January 26, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    Wow.
    I am amazed at the ability to feel rage. There is a lot of strength that you have, even if it hurts an unbelievable amount. Hope the Furies are able to understand and follow through on the small self-care details–maybe that will help them to not feel so useless?

    • January 26, 2010 at 7:21 pm

      Yes well Furies are there to protect so what they now have to do makes sense (?). Sulking today hope they folow thru as well hah. Quite insightful you are to get that!

  7. January 26, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    Hah well yes and no…

  8. January 26, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    This is one of the funniest things we can remember–apropos. Fantastic!


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