Letting Self Outta Jail

Well, there certainly is a running pattern here. Hmm, we’ve been in therapy long enough to be suspicious of anything repetitive that toddles along in our head.

We are happy today. Today whoever is out running the show understands that the shit we went through as a child and young adult was not her fault. We aren’t a contagious filthy…thing. We are just someone who was a victim of severe chronic neglect and child sexual and otherwise physical abuse. And who has, quite surprisingly, lived to tell the tale.

But dare we say we know that we have survived it, that it is in her past? That we can see a path to recovering from that horrible shit as clear as, well as clear as anything has been in our life?

It’s the getting thru it all. As T says, it’s in the sorting it out that makes it clearer. Which we will do thru that first safe relationship.

Kind of a shock, really. We see ourselves today as a response to events in her life that overwhelmed her little kid’s capacity to deal. There’s nohing inherently wrong with her other than the very wrong things that were done to her. Had these things not happened she would be a happy healthy vibrant woman.

So there it is, isn’t it? There’s really only one of me. We are really just tools of communication and coping when normal channels were broken. We all have our stuff to be sorted out for certain. There’s all that stuff to feel and all that memory to deal with.

But we can do it. I can do it. Jesus that’s confusing but today it is perfectly true. We have let ourselves out of jail today. It’s quite the amazing feeling. Hope is there, an odd sort of power that’s been previously overlooked.

We wanted to record this feeling, this tsunami of relief. We want the splinters to be able to read this and to know that at least one of them knows pixie dust land, where self-compassion lives.

Huh. Who knew?

Advertisements

10 Comments

  1. me said,

    February 3, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    compassion is my very favourite thing – and we can’t have it for others if we don’t have it for ourselves.

    • February 3, 2010 at 3:41 pm

      Well, dunno. It’s like different functions for different things sort of a thing. Thanks.

  2. abeeliever said,

    February 3, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    I agree so much with the comment regarding compassion. It is a beautiful thing to have it for one’s self.

  3. February 3, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    This post made me smile. I am happy for you! Even if it’s temporary, at least you know it is possible 🙂

    *hugs* x

  4. Tiger said,

    February 3, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    Yep, smiling at this post!

  5. sexualselfinjury said,

    February 3, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    “We are really just tools of communication and coping when normal channels were broken.”
    Very well spoken.

  6. February 3, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    Thank you! We’ll see what happens. Who believes it who freaks blah blah. 🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: