Bad body. Bad body

So. We have been trying very hard to sort ou where this brutal self-hatred comes from. Who feels and why. Getting the few who have self-compassion to pass that along to the rest. Unsuccessfully.

Yesterday red, a talkative 5 year old little girl, told about why she is so bad, so so bad. One reason anyway she was thinking.

Sometimes it feels like the Big Girls when I’m not supposed to be there. T says you don’t go away like you promised? Shrug. Well that is time for the adults and not for you, I really need for you to go away then. Shrug.

I don’t really know what you mean exactly says T. Like how the Big Girls feel. Do you mean her and the other woman who lives with you? Uh huh. I see.

Well, that is just what children’s bodies can feel, you can’t help it. That doesn’t mean there was anything good about it or that you wanted it or anything, right? Shrug. I know this is hard to talk about but I need for you to get uncrunched and look at me. Can you do that? No. Okay.

What the adults do is sex, right? Nod. That is in the context of consent, mutual consent. Did you ask for what uncle Norman did to you? No, shrug. Did you ask to feel that way? Shrug no. But the big ones they can decide when they want to feel like that. Yes I’m sure they can, they are adts. You can’t do that. Children can’t do that and it is very confusing. That is why children shouldn’t be exposed to sex at all. Not ever. Shrug I’m so, so bad I shouldn’t have felt like that it’s so bad. No, that is just what bodies do. That’s all. None of this is your fault. It is just what bodies do sometimes.

While this was going on, all this talk about violations to bodily integrity, I was listening. And it all makes perfect sense to me. This is all her body’s fault. If it wasn’t there at the time they would have been safe. It’s not her who’s bad and disgusting, it’s her body. That’s what needs the punishment.

So that’s what I am doing. I’ve kept her from
Drinking or eating anything for several days now and with this discussion I am just gaining momentum. I cut her to pieces with the Painter’s xacto knife yesterday. It’s the only thing that has made much sense in awhile now. It’s not that we’re too fat or too dumb or whatever. It’s the body.

Seems easy enough to fix. She has this very high tolerance for pain so feels nothing from it physically. But the blood makes sense.

Nothing the body wants. Get rid of the thing a d until we can make that happen punish it. Bad body, bad bad body.

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5 Comments

  1. February 5, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Oh sweetie. It’s not your body’s fault, but I know it’s easy for me to say that and hard to believe. Wish I could jump across the pond and give you a huge hug. I hope that over time T can help you through this.

    Big hugs xxx

  2. Karita said,

    February 5, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Why is it your body’s fault?

    *Hugs for you and your body*

  3. February 5, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    The body made her the monster that she is. All this time they’ve been harming her head and the splints. It’s body’s fault.

  4. Karita said,

    February 5, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Ah Splint. It’s no-one’s fault except those who did this to you. The body did nothing. Please look after yoursefl. If you have a high pain tolerance then you may be more likely to hurt yourself more. Please at least drink some water?

  5. February 5, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Justice. Nothing for body, just punishment. Justice.


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