A Savior Is Born? Unlikely

It slipped out in therapy. We had been talking about the cutting Body thing, how completely separate Body was. How it all happened so fast how depersonalized we were. How we later wrote it a letter saying I know, forgiving ourself blah blah…communicative compassion which was a first. T of course was horrified but as we talked she was able to see this big plus. They don’t communicate with one another and the Weaver is on strike so we talked about how to slow things the Hell down, not our greatest strength.

And out it came. Central says it’s so hard to be cared about. At the moment it seemed a pretty inocuous remark. At the 46th minute we were sitting in the car, utterly frozen. Unable to move. I took 1/2 hour for somebody to come up and be able to drive home.

By the time we got into the house we were totally crushed by sadness and anguish. It seemed that all the sadness and loneliness we’d felt our entire life was crashing down on our head. The Big Tunnel that makes the world so far away at times was growing by the moment. The “whoosh” sound we hear in our head at these times was deafening.

Oh no. We were here just a couple of days ago when we shredded her abdomen. Hmm, trouble on the wing.

Laying with our head in wifey’s lap we suddenly heard This Voice. Shhh. Shhhhh. It’s okay you’re safe now. It’s ovah now all all ovah. I know how you hurt. I know. I know I know. Shhhh.

Image in my head is suddenly there of being curled up in this adult’s lap. She is rocking us and holding us. It’s okay it’s okay now. We are safe now. I know. I know I know.

This voice put the Troubles to sleep. It’s doing it right now. Shhh shhh shhhh. We’re safe now you are not alone. We still feel the Sad but there’s this other one, reaching out to such hurting parts with compassion and love.

Nobody knows if this is our voice or if it’s just an extension of T. But it is a remarkable thing. And we’re not sure it really cares how this came to be or who’s doing the talking or what the Hell is going on. What is going on, though? Is this that self-compassion thing? Is it god forbid some warped transference bugger? Is it a supreme new bugger setting us up to cut ourselves to ribbons again?

Shhhhhhh. Shhhhhh. It’s okay. I will keep you safe. It is over now. I know I know I know.

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8 Comments

  1. sexualselfinjury said,

    February 9, 2010 at 11:39 am

    Lot’s of hugs today and I hope everyone can stay safe. You definitely have a full plate now. Remember to breathe.

  2. thesamesky said,

    February 9, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Oh darling how difficult things are right now, just reading this i get a sense of feeling out of control and terrified. I’m so glad you heard a soothing voice to get you through. Sending love and strength. xx

    • February 9, 2010 at 2:45 pm

      Yes, it’s a bizarroland for sure. But you make us hurt less. Thank you. There’s a general sense that these are powerful bits of what will eventually be fabulous understanding. Perhaps this new safe thing is a messenger. Hoping so. Sometimes it’s hard to see thru the hypervigilance. Bad brain! Thank you so.

  3. February 9, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    I’m so glad that the voice soothed you. In a sense I suppose it doesn’t really matter whether it’s an extension of your therapist’s voice or internal; as long as it soothed you. I do hope it doesn’t turn out to be someone who will hurt you, as you deserve a soothing presence.

    Big hugs to you. xxx

    • February 9, 2010 at 3:55 pm

      Thanks. It seems to be spreading to some others as well. Weird that we can see the troubled ones but not us the Adult. Think deciding that as you say it doesn’t really matter. Thank you so. Hugs back atcha xx

  4. Karita said,

    February 10, 2010 at 3:40 am

    Oh, I’m so glad to read about the soothing voice, I hope that voice sticks around. You deserve some peace and comfort in your life. XXX

    • February 10, 2010 at 7:31 am

      Thank you dear. Just woke up and she’s still there. Pretty amazing stuff huh. ;(


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