Child Speaks

I am red. I am five and I was the first one to meet umm T. When I first came up I didn’t know about the others and I didn’t know that some other things happened except uncle Norman. He did bad things to me and he made me do bad things. He kicked me and he pushed me too. And very bad things.

Now I know that there are other ones. There’s adults and they have times when umm T says that I have to go away that there is adult time when I can’t be there. But I don’t have a place to go and I look anyway and it is very scary. It’s not so scary now but sometimes it is. I try to stay small and quiet and then maybe uncle Norman won’t come. But he will.

I know alot of things. I am very smart I see a page and then I remember it. They put me in big kid classes in school but all the kids are dumb anyway. I read big books with daddy like wuthering heights and catcher in the rye and daddy tells me what they mean and then I know it. Catcher in the Rye is about how sometimes people can be sick but they don’t mean it. Like mommy. Mommy said she wanted me to die and she hurts me too.

Umm T says that it’s not my fault what happens to me but I don’t know what that means. If it’s not my fault for being bad then she says I didn’t do anything wrong. But she wasn’t there so she can’t say so.

One of the other ones is saying that I am not bad. It’s an inside one who knows what I did so maybe she is right. I never knew her before but she says it’s alright and she sings songs to me. She let’s me curl up in her and she says this is what safe is. It’s nice and it is very scary too.

Umm T says uncle Norman can’t come any more that he is dead and he can’t hurt me any more. But I know that there are lots and lots of other ones where he comes every day.

I am very smart. I learn things very quickly like I watched and I’m learning about this thing. I write other places in this thing but somebody comes along and just erases everything so I am here. Umm T doesn’t like it but nobody likes to be erased.

I don’t know what I am if I am not bad. Umm T says I am just a very smart little girl who is good but I don’t know what that means.

I try very hard to listen to everybody and umm T because I don’t want to be bad. I hurt alot of the time my side hurts from uncle Norman kicking me and other parts bad parts hurt alot too. And that is very bad. I know bigger ones don’t feel hurts at all but I do. I want the hurts to go away and umm T says they will when I think I am something that’s not bad.

This new one is nice to me and I am very scared. I don’t know when she will turn mean. But it might be bad. But maybe she won’t be like uncle Norman and mommy and the stranger men and cousin Normie and Eileen and all the rest of everybody.

I don’t know if I should think that there are these nice parts and um T sometimes it’s very scary. I know about hypervigilance because like I said I am way too smart and it might be that one that is making things so scary. But I don’t know what safe means and I feel like I should.

I am going to try to listen as much as I can to the nice one and umm T and if it gets too scary I will tell them so. I don’t think anything can be as scary as uncle Norman and mommy and all of the other people. But maybe something can. I don’t know what to think.

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7 Comments

  1. Tiger said,

    February 9, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    Hi Red. You said that “Umm T says that it’s not my fault what happens to me but I don’t know what that means.” I think that what T is trying to say is that you didn’t cause the bad things to happen. Grown-ups know more than kids about what’s ok to do and what isn’t. What Uncle Norman did was not okay, at all. But you didn’t do anything to make Uncle Norman do what he did. This is what I mean when I say that you are not bad. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and they didn’t cause the bad thing to happen. If somebody gets sick, that isn’t good, but they didn’t cause the sickness to happen. Do you see what I mean?

  2. February 9, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    Like the flu? Like when somebody gets the flu that’s a bad thing but they did’t get the flu on purpose? I know about that and I will think about that. Thank you.

    • Tiger said,

      February 9, 2010 at 4:15 pm

      Yes, Red, like the flu. Except, like Serial Insomniac says, Uncle Norman is to blame. But just like the flu, none of this happened to you on purpose. Just like you don’t ask to get the flu, you didn’t ask Uncle Norman to do bad things to you. You didn’t do anything that made Uncle Norman do bad things to you. You are not bad.

  3. Wolfie said,

    February 9, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    Hi Red!! I am glad you can write here and not get erased!!

    It sounds like you have a kind T who can listen to you.

    wolfie

    • February 9, 2010 at 4:29 pm

      Thank you. Umm T is very nice. Sometimes I tell her things that make her sad and I want her to not be sad but she says I don’t have to bring her things to make her happy.

  4. February 9, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    I think it is a little like the flu, as you say – you didn’t want it to happen, but it’s bad and it happened anyway. But as well as that Uncle Norman decided he would do these horrible things to you. He is to blame, but no one is when you get the flu.

    But one thing that is very true is that you are not bad. As Tigerbean said, sometimes bad things happen to good people, and you seem like a good girl to me.

    I hope that T and the others will take care of you.

    • February 9, 2010 at 4:33 pm

      I didn’t do it on purpose. Just like the flu. Uncle Norman is nice to me sometimes and nobody else is but daddy sometimes. It is hard to think about that maybe later I will


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