Self-care or sick transference?

So. We have this thing going on for a few days now. It feels like a very bizarre and frightening and glorious thing, unfortunately all at once.

Being in attachment therapy is hitting every single string that we’re aware of in here. The idea tha we can be cared about, that we really aren’t inherently defective and contagious and vile is threatening everything we know about ourselves. It is a very hectic time. We feel see smell and hear many many things all at the same time.

Bu something fantastic seems to be being born in the midst of this big-bang chaos. Somebody inside is being very very caring to those who have The Troubles.

It started out with a mysterious voice saying shhh shhh it’s okay I hear you you’re safe now this is what safe is. T was targeted at a particularly frightened splinter. But this kindness thing is spreading like an Internet worm. It’s getting into deep crevices we didn’t know were there. H1N1 of the mind, who knew.

The image we have in our head is that the ones with The Troubles are curled up in her lap and she’s just…being with them. Self-hypnosis and they go into a state of calm. It is such a relief. One splinter at a time.

So the inevitable wrinkle here is that nobody sees exactly whose lap they are sitting in. It feels like somebody inside. It smells like one of us a good one like our Chanel number five. It sounds like our deep raspy voice. But we wonder where exactly it came from in the first place.

In our job we face transference issues all the time. Clients get get deeply, deeply attached to us as we go about the job of fixing them without their knowing it. So of course we are terrified that this coice, this kind and caring voice in whose lap they sit isn’t us. We fear of course that it is T. After all, we don’t know where else anybody would have learned anything about this self-compassion thing. Certainly not from our life. And so we Throw kerosene on the burning fires of this potentially fresh new Hell.

The idea of that kind of physical thing with T is totally, well, repulsive to everybody in here. Ewwwwwwww. Her job and the work we do with her are way too important for that. We have some pretty steep boundaries around physical contact as one would imagine given our history. It would just be so…counter-productive and just downright icky. We don’t want a mommy we want a therapist. She has these very comforting boundariesas do we. Which is what makes the work possible. She is a very special place where we can go to work thru this really horrid shit. Crossing those lines is just totally unappealing.

In the movie Sybil Sally Field does this, she sits in her therapist’s lap. Ugh we never understood this. It’s just too…primitive or something. Like friending your T on Facebook. The whole idea is that she is an isolated space, it’s just icky to cross those lines. If would frankly make our time together jus worthless.

So. What we’re hoping to discover is that we have internalized perhaps her words, her explanations o what compassion looks like and that somebody has pushed themselves up to take on that role. And that for whatever reasons she wants to be unidentifiable. This has after been brewing for some time. We’ve let ourself out of jail and have gone thru the gigantic backlash of ripping ourself to shreds.

What it feels like is that somebody is very unhappy with this new and fabulous twist and they are throwing out disturbing images to make the Compassion go away. There’s also this idea that we are really sitting in mom, which is completely terrifying and out of the question. Mom was a total nutjob and she was very vocal about her hatred of us. Compassion from her even though she’s dead is an absolute no-go.

This feeling and healing is hard. The honesty that’s required is appealing in it’s brutality, true. But not so much on the fun-o-meter.

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2 Comments

  1. February 10, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    I haven’t yet found any kind, comforting part inside that takes care of little parts, but I’ve heard that this is fairly common. I have visualized a “safe place” (it’s a sun porch) where parts go and they can be comforted there by an angel. This seems to work pretty well for several parts.

    If you ever feel like sharing some of your posts with other survivors, I’d like to encourage you to submit a post to THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. I really appreciate your honest questioning that you do on your blog here. I also like how you’ve given Red a voice here. I have not been able to do that (that I was aware of anyway) at my blog. Details about the carnival and a link you can click on for submission are at my blog. Thanks for considering it.

    • February 10, 2010 at 3:09 pm

      Wow. We are so totally honored by your invitation to submit to your blog carnival!!! Not sure we’re ready for it today but sure we will for upcoming issues! Glad you find something in our ravings on. Not sure that it’s being honest and candid as much as an inability to shut up ;). We can’t do the spatial safe place thing so far, dunno why exactly. We suspect it’s because our perps…peeped in so many locations and violated safe spots we thought we had…they popped up everywhere. Anyway, we’re honored that you stopped by. Thanks again, be talking with you soon!


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