I was raped today. Again

I am Nobody. I feel nothing am invested in nothing. I am just the messenger.

She was raped today by a woman. A straight woman who had said she’d fallen in love with her and who wanted to lick her all over the last time they had met. It never occurred to her that this woman would actually be dangerous.

It all happened so fast. They were sitting on the couch and all of a sudden the woman was on her. She tried to get up but got pushed down again. The woman’s tongue was in her mouth and her hand was down her pants. Schoooop and she was gone, watching the whole thing from a comfortable safe distance. She was frozen. The woman had no clue what she was doing, this distanced part laughed. Hahah, straight women they just so do not get it. Any more than we get their sexuality.

Odd, noticing that and laughing. Like a teacher evaluating for a grade. C minus hah. Cardinal rule for lesbians: straight girls are really of no use when it comes to sex. Hahhahah.

Frozen, she couldn’t move. What was going on was frankly just ridiculous to the watching parts. But she couldn’t get away because she was frozen in stone. At some point somebody said “okay, seriously, this is not okay” and was able to sit up. The woman seemed confused, as if she was giving her a gift. She had no malice, just the idea that she was probably “curious” (god hate that excuse for bad behavior) was indeed in loveish with her. Which would have to include sex in her mind so there it went. She had no Ill intention and so misunderstands sex with women that she just assumed that because she had this lesbian in front of her that she would be into it too. Consent must have seemed implied. She said okay well happy valentine’s day and laughed.

Unfortunately meaning no harm does not Mean that no harm is done. They don’t know where they are. She somehow got home and that’s where she is now. She has shut down for the time being in order to keep safe, which the Furies will ensure. They will get her thru this time until things make sense again.

She cannot really speak but I emailed her therapist to give her the news. Seemed like a good idea. Therapist says to do her grounding stuff and go thru the coping list and to call If that’s not working. Which is reassuring because right now she really needs to be let alone. That her therapist has confidence in her enough to take care of herself is an empowering thing to me.

She doesn’t seem to be bleeding from anywhere or anything. She’ll be fine. She is just very, very triggered at the moment. Not all of her sexual abuse happened with men, so you can imagine the confusion.

She has a dangerous job. She works with very unbalanced animals, some of them very strong and with huge anger issues. She’s been bitten more times than she can count. But it never occurred to her that a human client wouldn’t be safe.

They will not allow this little wrinkle to kick themselves back into the dark ages. This needs to be kept in it’s proper perspective. It is mostly a harmless misunderstanding with one more attachment disordered client.

It is the past that makes it a problem. They will persevere. In a day or so they’ll likely be talking again, the flashbacks will recede and the price will go up on this client. All will be well. It’s just these few hours to deal with.

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28 Comments

  1. Karita said,

    February 12, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    Splint, I’m so sorry. I’m glad your therapist has faith in you. I have faith in you too and hope that you can use your coping skills to get you through the next few hours.

    I respect your need to be left alone for a while. I’ll check in on you. And I’m praying for you.

    *Hugs* XXX

    • February 12, 2010 at 5:15 pm

      Whew. Worst over. Thank you. It’s really just past and past is…passed.

  2. February 12, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    Like Karita, I have absolute faith in you hun. I know that with T’s help you can get through this. I am just so very, very sorry that you have to 😦 You deserve better than this.

    Big hugs hun xxx

    • February 12, 2010 at 5:47 pm

      Thanks dear. We work with disordered ppl just had to get out of the past there. Scary for abit. It’ll be fine now.

  3. Susan said,

    February 12, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Karita and Serial expressed what I was wanting to say. My heart is with you.

    • February 12, 2010 at 6:04 pm

      It’s fine now. We have we think a good perspective on it all, choosing to just recognize that while somebody’s angry about it–most of the freakout was about things that are done with. We’ll be back to laughing a demain. Thanks for your thoughts, hon

  4. February 12, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Ummm, we feel that we should make a blanket apology to you straight gals. To ne clearer, we do not believe that all of you, most of you in fact, do not feel that you are free to violate lesbians. It is the nature of our job to work with a disordered population and erotic transference happens to us with some frequency. If you haven’t noticed there is a radical political queer in here whose opinions unfortunately leak out from time to time. We endeavor at all times to be clear about our boundaries but for some that just makes it harder. Apologies.

  5. Susan said,

    February 12, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    No offense taken.

    • February 12, 2010 at 6:53 pm

      Hah, good. Sometimes the unflattering slips out…just the anger about it. Your patience is appreciated.

  6. CK said,

    February 12, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    heh kinda think the anger is partly justified by unfortunate experience… not the generalised nature of it perhaps but still just one of those things that isn’t so easy to control at all times/in all contexts.

    like the others said, really sorry you had to deal with such a huge trigger. of course you manage to get things back in place, you’re good at that and that’s cool but still, wish it hadn’t gone down like that (heh pun not intended. sorry. though finding it hard not to laugh anyway). anyway from my own unfortunate experience i know it takes a lot of energy to do that and maintain it, the getting things back in order and holding it together, so take some credit there. can see there is very good reason your T has much faith in you!

    take good care.

    • February 12, 2010 at 10:37 pm

      Writing this on a tad too much Xanax so. Thanks for comments and laugh. Hardly going down more like full frontal attack of the entire Japanese Army at once. Sheesh. Watching such a thing from a distance, was exactly what we did as children. Took a few hours to in-catatinocize but ‘s all good now but for the being pissed at the woman. Fortunately that is pharmaceutically blocked hah. Okay enough. Thanks for the thought and the laugh. πŸ˜‰

  7. me said,

    February 13, 2010 at 3:10 am

    you said “me” in that entry, for the first time in … forever.

    and i wonder, when you type those ha ha ha’s, whether you’re really laughing, there behind your screen.

    charge the woman with sexual harassment at the v least?

    want me to go smack her for you?

    ai …

    it just ain’t fair.

    • February 13, 2010 at 7:55 am

      Thanks, dear. We use first person singular as a distancing thing and pretty out of it at the time of that posting so. How gallant of you to defend our honor and go bear her up for us, that’s so sweet and endearing….but no we won’t really hold her accountable. It’s okay. On the laughing thing? Don’t really have a capacity to process how troubled we are by it so yes it’s real laughter almost all the time. It’s fine. Thanks for your concern hon. It will all be fine.

      • me said,

        February 14, 2010 at 10:18 am

        i don’t get why you said in ur newer post that you should have taken the opportunity to help her grow thru her erotic transference … aren’t you therapising her animal?? i don’t think her erotic anything at all if your responsibility and i don’t think that what she did is even remotely acceptable, no matter what.

      • February 14, 2010 at 10:40 am

        Can’t fix the animals without fixing the people first. Of course her choice of behavior was wrong and of course we’re angry. But we could have helped her before she got to the place she went to, didn’t see it all that seriously. That’s all.

  8. February 13, 2010 at 5:26 am

    There are just no words … I cannot believe this woman did this. Blatant assault and I want to hold her to task here, make her pay … am SO sorry you went through this. Whether it is mostly bringing up past stuff or not, it was still wrong, still traumatic, still awful. You should fire that client.

    And I also add here no offence taken, I understand the perspective and given what you went through you have every right to be angry and rail at straight women everywhere …

    • February 13, 2010 at 8:01 am

      Yes, well, hmmmm. Glad you aren’t offended. Little defender just slipped out it’s not what we really think. Anyway, there’s really no accountability to work with. Will re-enforce boundaries, AGAIN, sure she’ll keep her physical distance. Price goes up for certain though hahaha. What happened yesterday is only really difficult in it’s triggering aspects from Past. It’s fine we’re blitzes on Xanax today but fine. Thanks for your concern dear!

      • February 13, 2010 at 9:03 am

        No accountability? Seriously? What she did was wrong! I mean – really wrong. I understand if you don’t want to go there, but I hope that you can at least see that even if you don’t want to, she was wrong.

  9. February 13, 2010 at 9:39 am

    Well yes of course client was wrong. But there was no malice in it, just…well don’t think the woman meant any harm. Only very confused. To be sure we’re pissed off but in a current moment context which is all that really matters. Actually feeling blessed and thankful for the opportunity to grow from it all. But it IS time for the weirdness to take a break ha. Thanks. πŸ˜‰

  10. February 13, 2010 at 9:51 am

    Cool. Glad you have some perspective. Love and strength to you. xx

  11. Wolfie said,

    February 13, 2010 at 9:52 am

    I don’t know the right thing to say but please know that I am
    thinking about you.

  12. me said,

    February 15, 2010 at 2:03 am

    ok fair comment re not being able to help the animal if you can’t sort the person out, but you’re still not a people-shrink and so i really don’t think those actions were anything but her responsibility..

    • me said,

      February 15, 2010 at 2:04 am

      even if you WERE a people shrink, you would not be responsible for it.

  13. February 15, 2010 at 7:37 am

    Thanks to alll for your thoughts and words. It’s Monday morning now and believe we’re able to clarify things abit. Of COURSE this client was responsible for her actions. OF COURSE it pisses us off on many levels. But the important and fascinating thing here is that we were able after a few dodgy hours to put it into proper, real-time perspectine. It’s just a little bump in the road, really. And yes we do feel tremendous compassion for this gal. We could have really helped her more. That is no excuse for her attack on us, but it is true. Enough said! πŸ˜‰

  14. February 18, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    I am very sorry this happened.


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