Who Has Better Sex by Aunt Jan

I was talking the other day with Jan, my favorite of many aunts. Jan is 79 years old and has the lifestyle and health of someone who’s maybe 40. Except that of course she’s retired.

The think I love about my aunt (awnt, not ant) is tha she will talk with great frankness about just about anything. She has been married and divorced three times, twice to the same man. Aunt Jan can start up a fascinating conversation ranging from sabertooth tigers to how her basic bodily functions are going. She lives in Tucson in the winter and in
My family home on the ocean in Maine in the summertime. Which house is very haunted which is always entertaining.

She called me up the other day, wanting to talk about Valentine’s Day. It seems that as she was playing Mah jongh with friends the other day the discussion turned to sex. I envisioned something akin to the Golden Girls as she was describing the conversation.

Apparently the talking was mostly about whether or not lesbians can actually have good sex without a living penis present. Since the gals had concluded that bigger penises are better in general, what could one actually DO without their presence was a fascination.

In a nutshell my aunt Jan announced that she has a lesbian niece and she would do the research and report back to the group the following week. Enter this phone call.

I mean, we just can’t imagine it she says to me. I mean, you’re dealing with such small parts And all, how do you even know where you are? How do you figure out what feels right? Is one of you (me and wifey) like the one who does it and the other one gets it, or do you take turns? That would have to be pretty I mean frustrating for the one who’s just waiting around, wouldn’t it? And how can the one who’s doing it actually feel any you know sexual thing since they are so busy doing the doing?

I am on the floor, just about crying I’m laughing so hard. I decide to just let her keep asking me her questions. Remember, this woman is 79 years old. She’s complained to me in the past that it’s been so long since she’s Gotten Any that her vagina must be clogged up with cobwebs. And yet she really seems interested so I just let her ramble on.

And what is the deal with bisexual women she asks. Will they just sleep with anything that crosses their path? I seems like that is what they do that they’re so into getting their Rocks Off that it doesn’t even matter, the anatomical parts? I don’t get that deal it seems like they should play on one team or the other, you know what I mean?

Her attention shifts back to women. How do you know I mean if you’re the doing one how do you know when the other one is done? Is there really an orgasm thing that happens? How can you tell if the other um person is doing that or not? Why don’t you want to have orgasms, if you even do, at the same time?

And how, really honey, I mean how do you do it, technically speaking? I mean I assume you have some sort of fake penis thing I mean how else could you Do It…where so you get that kind of thing? Are there stores where you go in you know and you pick the one you want? Who does the picking? Is it like attached to one person, and frankly what is in it for them, you know what I mean?

I just don’t understand this at all, none of the ladies do, and so I though I would call you to find out and to tell them all about it. You know how I am, when I get to wondering about something I can’t rest until i figure it out…..

Ahem, well. This is not a conversation I had ever a ticipated with my 79 year old aunt. Because she’s my favorite I felt I had to endulge. No, you don’t need to have a penis to have an orgasm. You’re right there you know so of course you can tell. Of course women can have simultaneous sex for many that’s the raison d’être. Haven’t you ever had a man do oral sex on you? Well of course a man doesn’t feel what you feel but a woman does. Yes, I think we probably are better at that then they are. Yes there’s a thing called a strap-on a d some women like them. I don’t know so much about that personally but I know they’re very popular.

Of course it’s a sexual thing for the one who’s doing the doing. As well as the do-ee. It has been my experience that most women do both sides of the coin but that’s for sure not true for everybody. Fingers. Yes that’s enough. No the size of the fingers doesn’t make somebody better at it or not.

I think most women get into oral sex. Not everybody but it seems to me that’s pretty common. Well, you know, tongues. Yes of course you can tell if you’re doing it right, I mean you’re right there, right? You can just tell if you want to know more about that you will just have to get with one of your friends. Hah.

Yes I have orgasms. Of course…yes, really. Lots of them
Most of the time. Yes. No, I don’t think it takes an average of ten minutes for most women but here again I only know about my experience. No that doesn’t mean it takes longer to feel anything it means we get to just keep going because there’s no big wait time like there is for men, y’know? Seriously. Of course that’s true.

About the bisexual thing I don’t really know you’ll have to find one And ask her. No I don’t think it’s necessary to pick a side and no I don’t think it means that their libidos are necessarily any higher than anybody else’s. Honestly I think that bisexuals are fortunate because they choose sexual partners based on that person alone. No I’ve never had sex with a bisexual because I am a lesbian and lesbians are what I am attracted to.

Yes there are adult toy stores. Yes you can get all kinds of stuff there. You should go to one if you never have and find out what they have that way. Maybe you’ll find something that will swipe away the cobwebs hah. Yes, of course I masturbate. Yes of course sometimes wifey is there. Why would that be embarrassing? You’re just old hah.

I think that there really are no rules between women when it comes to sex, just what the people involved decide together. Really. Yes I think most lesbians are less uptight. Yes, we really do get off.

Apparently aunt Jan has the answers she needs to take back to her game. Because her next question is how did you like that bread recipe I sent you?

Weirdness never ends.



  1. Wolfie said,

    February 14, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Loving it….absolutely hilarious.

    • February 14, 2010 at 12:47 pm

      Weirdness about this is following me this week. My sides hurt from laughing so hard. Aunt is just a stitch. You know that people wonder, you know? But to be asked about it with such bluntness…and believe it or not this was heavily edited. Ha! 😉

  2. February 14, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    *laughing so hard* right now and *falling off my chair*!! Brilliant!

    Thank goodness for Aunt Jan though, these are all question I would love to have asked! haha

    • February 14, 2010 at 1:37 pm

      So weird from what happened Friday too. Feeling like there’s a target on my back. Aunty a good reset. Hahahahaha ;).


  3. February 14, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    Really funny 🙂

    (Only thing I wonder about is this ” No I’ve never had sex with a bisexual because I am a lesbians and lesbians are what I am attracted to. ”
    I know many lesbians are ‘scared’ of bisexuals, but was unaware of the link to not be _attracted_. Further, I know also know a few -lesbians- with clear bisexual behaviour who claims it is more convenient to say they are lesbians. Less trouble. hmm.

    So are you able to tell who is “truly” lesbian and who is bisexual in a lesbian period? 😉

    • February 14, 2010 at 2:48 pm

      It’s tough being bisexual for women in the US at least. All sides want to impose rules. I think it’s not all that uncommon for bi-women to say they’re lesbians so they’re not judged hypercritically. I of course am attracted to the women I am, regardless of their sexual identity. Guess what I meant to say that I lose all Sexual attraction for a woman who’s not a lesbian. Full-time. Which does not imply anything other than that’s my right and my thing to sleep with who I want to. 😉

  4. Tiger said,

    February 14, 2010 at 9:57 pm

    Well, I’ll answer Aunt Jan’s question as a (finally proud(ish) ) card carrying bi gal. (though, i love your response)

    Will they just sleep with anything that crosses their path?
    Hell NO! a girls got to have standards. The same way that a straight girl won’t sleep with any guy who propositions her, I’m not going to sleep with just anyone who wants me.

    It seems like that is what they do that they’re so into getting their Rocks Off that it doesn’t even matter, the anatomical parts?
    I actually like similar body type regardless of m/f strong, not overweight, y’know…

    I don’t get that deal it seems like they should play on one team or the other, you know what I mean?
    For me, it’s not about gender, but about the person. I didn’t love my ex-gf because she had boobs, but because she was a lot of other things i value–trustworthy, honest, caring, y’know, all the things anyone wants out of a relationship..

    anyway. That was my contribution to the world today. =p

    • February 15, 2010 at 7:20 am

      Few things irritate us as much as rules. From wherever they come, but you know we’ve bitched about it before. You go girl–and thanks for the lucidity. Weirdness continues 😉

  5. me said,

    February 15, 2010 at 2:09 am

    i love aunt jan!

  6. Karita said,

    February 15, 2010 at 7:10 am

    This is hilarious! I like the sound of her.

  7. February 15, 2010 at 7:24 am

    Aunt Jan is hysterical! You never know what is gonna pop outta that mouth hahahahHa. Probably where we get our social impropriety. She means no harm whatsoever….she’s just who she is, a tough insatiable Yamkee babester.

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