Rape Hangovah

We seem to have awoken into a major funk this morning. As unexplainable at the outset as was our happiness thingie of the past few days.

The sun is shining in the sky and the workday’s a short one for us. Wifey is being sent to South Africa for the World Cup so we’ll probably be off for Indonesia. Very exotic for an American chick.

The only thing that differentiated yesterday from today is therapy, but that was a good one and so.

Oh. Two weeks ago we were raped. Right. We haven’t really been processing this invasion so much. Dealing with it’s aftershock and what it means to the triggered parts has kept us pretty busy and so.

But now it’s relatively quiet. The littles are safely off to rest and the teenagers are sulking in their own universe as teenagers will do. And here we are. The remains of the day.

Some of them are seriously downplaying it, laughing and saying it was nothing. That we are an adult now and we need to keep it in perspective. That it really was not a big deal at all. That this is just a little bump in the road, a
Blip on the roadmap that wants nothing to move steadily forward. No big deal, just a straight woman trying to do something she thought was harmless. It wasn’t even sex she was so bad at it. Straight chicks,’sheesh. Just another messed up client who thinks that she’s in love. It’s funny really. Women can’t really be rapists they’re the good guys. This was nohing contrasted against what we went thru as a little girl.

But unfortunately there is nohing funny about this. Parts of us are just so, so sad. We feel like there is a target on our back. It’s all our fault–again. Must be for nothing else makes sense. So violated by someone we were really trying to help. Someone we trusted, again. All the shame and the fear and the self-loathing are back.

And we are feeling so, so hopeless. Just, man. If doesn’t mTter bow hard we try to deal with the nightmares of our childhood because the world is going to keep on fuxking us anyway.

Flashbacks are coming on strongly at some very bad times. A little will wAke up for a moment, show us her story, then we put her back to sleep. We are just so drained. It is gonna be a long day if forty or fifty kids suddenly wake up like this.

I feel so useless. My power has gone and I don’t at the moment know how to get it back.

This one really hurts.

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5 Comments

  1. Ravin said,

    February 26, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Sometimes I think as adults we want to be the strong, “nothing rattles us” NORMAL person we think everyone else is. Least that’s what happens here much of the time. What happened to you was a violation of your person, it doesn’t have to ‘feel’ like sex, that’s a familiar thing anyway, sex never much felt like sex when we are being raped before. Rape is about violation, not sex that’s some of why we want to shrug it off as not sex cuz we our society mostly still thinks of rape as sex.

    I’m sorry this happened to you, but it SO WASN’T your fault!!!!

    Ravin

  2. Karita said,

    February 26, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Oh honey. This was not your fault, but it must be bringing back so much badness from the past. I hope you’ll look after yourself and rest.

    *Hugs* XXX

    • February 26, 2010 at 12:27 pm

      Keep thinking why keep fightinng been doing it every second of our life. So it can throwore shit at is at will? No thanks. Thank you for yourcaring though. Take care

      • Karita said,

        February 26, 2010 at 12:41 pm

        Keep fighting because you are a miracle, and you CAN get better. You have a wifey who loves you and a whole bunch of friends across the world who care about you lots. You have love in your life, and your mental health can get better. Just take it one little step at a time. XXX


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