Positive Psych:Bite Me

If there is one thing that comes across my twitterstream that pisses me off everytime it’s the concept that I can overcome my mental health disorder by simply changing my mind about it and making the choice to stop screwing around and decide to feel better. To surround myself with smiling happy people and *magic boom* my entire life will become a superior funhouse.

I get that one has to be committed to change in order to repair the damage caused by extreme neglect emotional abuse by a mentally damaged mother and having been sexually assaulted/raped/whatever some forty or fifty times before age 13.

I work very hard at this. I have been working hard at it for 13 years of brutal tortuous therapy and vatsfull of psychiatric medications. Before that I worked very hard at drowning it all out in drugs and alcohol. From which I have been totally clean for nearly a decade thank you very much.

So whenever I read/hear that all I need to do is to CHOOSE to be better it sends me into absolute fits. It carries with it the connotation that I am currently CHOOSING to be sick. That if I could only put a smile on my face and whistle a happy tune so no one will suspect I’m afraid….all would be daisies and sunshine.

This is not The Sound Of Music. This is not Disneyland. There are hundreds of pieces who/that make up my consciousness. It is not a question of anybody deciding to just be happy in my life and so it will become.

Very few of the splinters that make us up don’t even know what happiness means. It is a foreign language to them and foe very good reason. Some of these parts have gone through horrible mutilations, bestiality, gang rape and physical torture. They have a right to experience their stories. Smiling is not what they do.

This past weekend I disappeared and The Timebomb (suicide) was afoot, crashing against the beads of the rest like so many bowling pins in a strike. The few parts who care for us were working full-time to prevent the Timebomb from going off. Abit too busy to be smiling. On Saturday we were so dysfunctioned fha we couldn’t hardly speak and rationality was completely out of the question. It was a very disturbing time. Somewhere in there I had my hair chopped off and colored a very bright orange color. I have no idea.

We have survived horrible, horrible things and we deserve to be shown enough integrity to be recognized. We do not need to hear that all we need to do is to CHOOSE anything.

This might be good advice for someone who’s a little bit distressed or who suffers Woody Allenish angst abou the planet and where exactly they fit in.

But we are sick. Very very sick as a result of living thru nightmares before we had coping skills to deal with it. And everytime you people suggest that we need to just think positively or smile more or make a decision that we want to be better we get e raged at your naïveté. You are denying us the horrors of our youth of our life. You are making us responsible for our illness.

And don’t dare go telling us that forgiveness is some mystical requirement we have to go thru to get to this supposed other side. Yes we know what the word means and if we feel the need for it one day then we will address it. But we have the right to hate our many perpetrators for as long ad we need to.

So. Bite me. Try dealing with some people who have real illness before you go blowing a Ton of shit at me. Walk a mile in my mocassins fben tell me all about it.

Bite me.



  1. me said,

    March 1, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    ah yes. positive thinking. gnnnnnnnnnnnng……………………………

    i don’t need to bite you 😀

  2. Karita said,

    March 1, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    Well said!

  3. March 1, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    Could not agree more. I hate anyone saying this to me, but whenever it’s people to whom I am close (mother, friends), it’s especially annoying, as they should damn well know better. I’m not going through a bad few days, I AM MENTALLY ILL!

    And yes, Twitter is a special case; although I love it, there are many admittedly well-meaning types who follow us in the hope we’ll follow back and find that their ‘positive’ message will “get through” to us. Bullshit!

    Sorry, rant over 😉 Well said, Splint.

    • March 1, 2010 at 6:04 pm

      Hate that. Learn about it, go thru it, get trained in it, then tell us all about it.

  4. Ravin said,

    March 1, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    It’s always a wonder to me how people think keeping a smile on your face and surrounding yourself with shallow happy people will make your life better. heh

    I’ve done this happy face/surround myself with these kind of people, when our son suicided these people were all about being there for a party but real friendship and compassion, nah that was a downer.

    I’m with you on this one.


    • March 1, 2010 at 6:06 pm

      Yup. So sorry for your experience. There is time for humor right? But don’t tell me that that’s all it takes.

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