Of course We Cannot Feel

So. Finally figured out what the chaos is surrounding our rape a couple of weeks ago. Here’s what has been happening:

Frustrated because we really cannot feel a thing emotionally. There’s great discord. Flashes I. Seconds of splinters all over the place and none of it makes any sense. Here’s wha happened to me when I was 4. Flashback. When I was 9. Flashback. New joke comes into being hahahn. Guilt. Shame. Should have seen this coming. How could she let this happen again, the bitch. You are so weak. This is not a big deal. What happened when I was eleven….

Just. Lots of chaos and we just can’t seem to focus on how we feel about this thing.

Lightbulb goes off yesterday. We are dissociated. So of course we cannot feel. We have handled this last traumatic thing in the same way we did with all those horrific events we survived thru as a kid. Disperse the shock the pain the bad feelings. We were watching it happen as thru down a dark tunnel. Just like as always did.

And so of course we cannot be present in these feelings now! We weren’t there! All of the information about it has been dispersed.

We have been banging our head against a wall for days and days. Feel something this cannot be a good sign. Feel something, dammit.

Bu we do not know how to do that now. If we did k ow how to do it we would not live as a zillion splinters.

What a relief. We have a new strategy. For now we are to focus on safety. Keep away from self-injury do somehing anything else. We have this cool new breathing thing tha kinda gets us abit high, so of course we love it hah.

If something very powerful comes up. like the timebomb, we had a list of grounding tools that we will be able to do. Judith Herman, queen of the world, says safety and stabilization come first. We are backing up, learning whT it is to be safe.

The concept of living in the Present is very confusing. We have no idea what that means. Don’t think that’s a place we have ever been.

And you know what? It is okay that we don’t know yet how to really feel. How to be this mystical Present. We are at the place we’re at and that is okay. Just stay safe and let it be.

We get to hide in funny if we want to. We can put the troubled ones to sleep if they’re creating a rukus. We are nothing if not resilient.

It’s all gonna be okay in it’s time. Of course we do not feel.

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7 Comments

  1. March 3, 2010 at 9:10 am

    I can not even begin to empathise with what you have been through but a lot of what you write here makes sense to me. I too have felt incredibly disconnected from my emotions to an almost terrifying level, but recently they have been emerging and I think this is because I am now ready and prepared to deal with them.

    Keeping safe is the best first step, I think, and it means that later you can go back and deal with them when they are a little less harmful. I think you know when the time is right.

    Stay safe there – I think you’re inspirational!

    • March 3, 2010 at 9:28 am

      How nice, thank you! Although on the inspirational thing we think not so much. We think it’s more that we can’t shut up and get lucky enough to make sense from time to time. ;). Take care and thanks again for stopping by!

  2. Ravin said,

    March 3, 2010 at 10:06 am

    Gawwwd isn’t it great to have permission to just be, no matter how that is at the moment!!! : )

    Safety is such a wistful thing for us, when it comes it’s great, when we can make it even better, means we are moving forward. Cuz lets face it there wasn’t safety in our past.

    Sun’s shinnin’ Gal!

    Ravin

    • March 3, 2010 at 10:11 am

      Exactly so. It is such a feeling of empowerment, learning how to create safety. Altho we’re still abit unsure what it is exactly…but we do get an absence in non-safety. It’s a start 😉

  3. Karita said,

    March 3, 2010 at 10:22 am

    It’s good to read this, Splinty. That sounds weird, but I meant about the safety. I like it when you make sense, when you come to a realisation about yourself, you express it so well.

    I hide in funny too. 🙂

    • Karita said,

      March 3, 2010 at 10:24 am

      PS. Actually you always make sense in your writing, the making sense comment was in response to what you said to Finding Melissa. 😉


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