Resilience and Power

Dissociation can come in really handy. It has helped us to deal with yet another rape. The parts that flew away and separated the experience into tiny little manageable pieces have done their job. I don’t know how to deal with if as a whole present person because I am not a whole present person yet. And we won’t be for some time to come.

We were thinking about this thing all wrong. Triggered parts were screeching teenagers were so pissed that we let it happen that they turned our hAir bright orange and had if cut off. Other parts were self-blaming and yet others were laughing it off. Chaos.

So we were trying to cull from all this information what we “really” were feeling. We were feeling it all. All these splinters had real, true, honest reactions. It has been a busy time. So much so that even the mysterious Timebomb popped up to threaten our physical existence.

We have been given permission to not be too worried about all of this. We are working on a new internal system that will
Allow for greater flexibility and sharing of information. Something to do with water and tsunamis, the Weaver still doesn’t really know.

What we are coming to understand is that relative to people who are only one thing don’t have the plethora of survival skills that we’ve got. To be given permission to use them beings great power with it. We can create our own thing? This feels very strong. Or perhaps it’s that we are realizing our own strength.

We get to not be crippled by this last assault. We can hide in a million places to protect ourself until it’s ready to be dealt with. We can be entertaining, we can blast Noe Cocker and the Eagles until our ears ring. We can play wii we can Do It. We can write paint cook and work out. If the SI bugaboo comes knocking we can validate her needs without letting her carve us up on the inside or the outside.

In short, we’re very flexible. We don’t have to make sense of it because right now there is no sense to be made. We don’t understand what being present means for very good reasons. Reasons that are coming in very handy just now.

We feel very empowered just now. We can use the skills we’ve honed to deal with what’s really an immediate crisis. We can choose to leave the shit alone for now. That’s a pretty big step.

Of course we hear that this is not the best idea in general, to continue to dissociate as a general coping mechanism. But what we’ve just gone thru is not a General thing. Right now keeping safe and practicing better self-management is enough. And that is really really cool.

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