Transformational Therapy

I have been in therapy since becoming completely unhinged in 1997. From trauma, as even God must know by now.

Until this past October I have completely wasted my time. I have added up the checks I’ve written to my old shrink and therapists and it totals well over $250,000. In other words I have bought a house for the privilege of being stuck panicked confused drugged up and completely hopeless.

As a victim I of course blame myself for this. After all, I could have switched to psychodynamic and attachment therapy with a trauma and dissociation goddess anytime along there. Unfortunately for me however I didn’t know such people existed until this past summer, when things with my psychoanLyst and shrink of 12 years got so bad that I was forced to start looming around.

I was told thru all this therapy that it’s no about what happened in the past, that the only thing that matters is here now and the future. Abou making good or bad choices. Dissociation was just one bad choice I couldn’t seem to change.

This type of therapy is brutal on trauma survivors and disastrous for polyfragmented people like me. It placed the onus of my symptomology squarely on my shoulders. My fault. My emotions my disssociation my flashbacks my hypervigilance derealization panic attacks impossible sleep.

All bad choices. I was frightened to death of this woman. As one can easily imagine. Twelve years of torture 1-3 times a week for well over a decade.

Anyway. I have landed with a therapist who specializes in trauma and dissociation. It is like night and day. Finally I am understood. Therefore I am finally able to speak my truths. Haven’t had a panic attack in months, since I first met with new shrink who works with T and many dissociated people.

I am actually working now and no just spinning around in circles of guilt and endless frustration. Now, one would think that I would be falling all over myself in love with new T. After all, she hears me. Relative to the ice queen bitch, how almost could I not?

In the past my therapy was very focused on the woman in whose office I sat (P for psychoanalyst). What was I not getting across does she really give a shit why does she refuse to hear me how is all this my fault why don’t I understand her at all blah blah blah blah blah. It really was all jus about not feeling heard hence scared to death. It was all and only about P for me as I struggled in vain to feel safe enough to do any work at all.

As you all know too well, I am an animal psychologist. Which means I work with usually dangerous and frustrated animals. Who are frustrated and dangerous because their owners unknowingly have very inappropriate attachments to their pets. Before I fix the animal I have to change the owner. In short, I spend my worming life with people who are usually quite attachment disordered. It’s rare that a client doesn’t transfer these feelings onto me, which is an irritation but one that’s pretty much inevitable.

So I am very touchy when it comes to being bitten by the transference bug. When I am on the other side of the couch it angers me to be so completely objectified by these people who know next to nothing about me. To the point where they assume it’s okay to sexually assault me, that I must Want It to if they do so very badly.

Anyway. Come to find out that that transference thing really isn’t there. I mean, I care about T I want for her to be happy etc etc. But because I am understood and validated and am actually learning basic skillsets I didn’t develop because my sexual assaults began when I was two.

I don’t have to wonder If T cares about me because I know that she does. Rather she knows HOW to care about me and people like me. People who are very damaged thru the actions of others. I am learning and growing. I am heard and I am helped.

What all this means is that I now get to focus on the therapy. Where T bumps into the process we talk about it right away and we USE that as valuable information. I could not be in this transformative process alone. T could no be in this transformative process alone. It is a thing that happens between us, together. I can take my necessary risks because I know there is firm bedrock underneath me.

Of course, yes. There has to be a “fit” there. Not everybody fits well with every therapist. And I count myself to be very fortunate to have T, this woman, working with me. But it’s really not about either one of us. It’s The Process and that is totally cool.

I used to plot what to say to P the ice queen in great detail. Thinking all along if I could just get this woman to give a shit about me then maybe she would help me. I had completely misunderstood. Now I just go and amaze myself at the honesty that comes out of our mouth. And it’s totally okay.

This is a really groovy place to be.


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