It’s Just A Business Ouch

It’s always the most inocuous things we say in therapy that kick our ass. Yesterday we were talking about S, our old therapist/shrink. We don’t remember how it came up but talked just off the cuff for a minute about how much it pisses us off, that we spent over 200K and our forties in this horrendous waste of our lives and money. The conversation turned elsewhere but as we were putting on our shoes to go somebody blurted out “you don’t dislike us , do you?”. We will be talking about that on Thursday I am sure hah.

These two little events are connected through hypervigilance and we are suffering of it today. The betrayal and bitter rage we hold onto around S. It bas blossomed in the fertile ground of hypervigilance to be rage at therapy and at ourselves.

I think we’ve pretty well do umented was that twelve years of evilCBT was like. It’s nit about the past it’s about the present and the future it’s about Making good choices. Flashbacks, trauma recitations and dissociation were all poor choices.

S was gone alot. Alot. More than once she left us for a month and more. Missed sessions for a week or two wee the norm. There was no cohesiveness to the work because it was all about us feeling very, very unsafe. How we survived it as we read back our writing from that time is incredible.

We hate this woman, we really do. She had no interest in our trauma history. In the early days we’d tell a minor story and the woman would sit there, completely stone-faced. No reaction whatsoever. Just waiting foe us to stop talking so she could aak that zillion times about how that’s unimportant. The dissociation was something we talked about a few times and were basically dismissed.

We do not like to think about the business end of our therapy. But today we don’t seem able to put down or analyze the betrayal enough to put down that particular whip. It is what S was in it for as she really never listened. And refused to help.

Unfortunately this feeling of betrayal and pending harm has blossomed today to include our entire world. It IS what it’s all about, it’s all about the cash. T does not care about us because S never did, because none of those people ever do.

We just can’t follow our Tweetstream today. Unfortunately pretty much everybody is full of shit. The happy happy joy joy inspirations are all just so much crap to keep us in a system
That only wants our checks. There is no “getting better” for us as a client, there’s only therapists getting better because of the tips they get to go to the bank because of our attendance in their offices.

We know that this is wrong thinking but it seems most real to us today. You all do not really care, it’s just business for you. Somebody is screaming do not type this when I am stronger and can ge you out of this you will regret these words.

Trust, we really do not know what it means. T says there is fight flight and freeze for kids like us and that is where we are today. In the deep deep freeze. It’s a very lonely place to be. But it is really all we truly know.

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8 Comments

  1. Tiger said,

    March 9, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    It’s okay that you don’t believe it. It’s okay that it all feels like bullshit.

    However, I will NOT stop telling you that I am here, that I care, that I am sending immense amounts of hugs and love in your direction.

    I love you. Just as you are. Pain, messiness, fear, splinters. ALL of it.

    That is all.

  2. Ravin said,

    March 9, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    *jelly donuts & pies for throwing*

    I suck at hugs, I’m better at handing tissues.

    Honestly I get this, could have bought a house outright with all the money we’ve spent. Most of which was on VERY bad experiences and VERY useless therapist. Not one pDoc worth talking about they’re all money hounds.

    There has been good experiences with TD’s who care, who really listened. Rare, very rare tho. We found two and a half. (The half is a story in itself.)

    Trust, I don’t get it either. I totally don’t get “positive” people with all the lalala it’s hard to hear that stuff on a GOOD day. I think maybe I’m not wired for it.

    What I do know deep down, people like us have a right to heal, a right to live and breath and be cared about. Some days it’s just harder to find that deep place.

    Ravin

  3. March 9, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    Thanks dear. Just really feeling lost. We do get to heal, you’re right about that the idea of trusting anybody is just anathema today.

  4. Pandora said,

    March 9, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    I just want to echo the others really, and add that I absolutely, 100%, totally agree that CBT is the biggest pile of bollocks this side of the Andromeda galaxy, especially for those who’ve experienced trauma and dissociation.

    It should be criminalised for such people.

    Hugs to you my dear friend. xxx

    • March 9, 2010 at 6:17 pm

      Thanks. We knew no different. S had been w/us from the beginning. Our ability to trust is totally destroyed at this time

      why be in therapy at all?

  5. March 10, 2010 at 11:01 am

    Arrrgh! Feeling so cross with that therapist of yours! Absolutely unethical behaviour (enough that you could have made a complaint in my opinion) and comes in fact from a TOTAL misunderstanding of CBT (not that I advocate CBT in ANY way!).

    So sorry hon.

    • March 10, 2010 at 12:28 pm

      Yeah, total bitch. When we told her we felt we needed to see a specialist in trauma/dissociation she said well there are alot of supposed experts in trauma but basically that’s a crock. See me or don’t. So I left. Bitch.


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