Waves On The Beach

Like waves on the beach. This is us. Good things roll onto the beach, reaching new ground in brilliant crashes. Then comes the inevitable undertow, sucking it back into the chaotic ocean that is our mind. Crash, yay. Suck back all is lost.

Suppose it comes down to affect dysregulation really. Our entire deck of cards is a delicate balance of avoidance. “freeze” rather than feel.

Basically we don’t know how to feel. Everything is so raw, so exposed. So extreme. We get that it’s all those parts tha have been silent now want a voice. So they send out the messages that they can. See, I am here feel me in my anguish sorrow gladness delight terror. We just never learned about feeling emotions.

We know when we are in false places. We knew yesterday that we were in a black/white world and we knew that we were wrong. Just because we felt sadness and betrayal from our therapist from forever and how she fucked us over in the end as she had always promised to never do. Meant tha no one can be trusted. We knew this was the hypervigilance overreaction. But the ones who were in control did not care about the how’s and the why’s. They Judy knew they hurt and that was good enough for them.

So we all had to go on the wild ride. This is getting very old very fast.

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2 Comments

  1. March 10, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    You made a very important point when you observed that you don’t know how to feel and everything feels so raw. I realized when I was in the “real healing” process that my DID was how I coped with everything with a few other coping methods mixed in there. I didn’t really have to “feel” because “they” (the alters) did it for me. When I fragmented, the purpose of the alters was to take care of ME. I no longer was able to deal with life, so they got me through. There is an upside to it, (they got me through, they were how I survived) and a downside to it; my life was a mess, I was not happy and the bottom line was that really even with the alters, I couldn’t cope.

    So everything felt NEW in the process. Everything WAS new! I had been so protected by coping methods before. I was very aware of my trust issues; I had to know that I could escape the therapy room. Sometimes I had to sit on my hands, I thought I would get violent. Everything was hard and horribly difficult. But I had this little seed of hope for recovery, for wholeness, and that is what kept me going.

    Little by little the therapy helped, I got stronger, I learned how to feel and deal. It wasn’t super quick but it happened! It can happen for you too. I found the jewel inside of me. We all have one and yours is worth looking for!

    Hang in there. Love Darlene

    • March 10, 2010 at 1:02 pm

      Thank you. Just now we cannot see much of any reason for hope it is just too painful. We know that this is wrong but at this time we do not care. Somebody has to protect that poor battered thing.

      But thank you for your time and your thoughts.


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