Rape Anniversary

So today is my one-month anniversary of being raped by a female client. It has really kicked me in the ass.

I went thru various stages in trying to process what it all means as quickly as I could so I could “get back” to therapy. Here’s what happened.

At the time I responded exactly as I had when I was being sexually a used/raped/terrorized whatever as a kid. I did this tunnel vision thing where I was watching it from afar. I remember I had this bemused attitude about it all as I was floating along. What does she think she is doing? Does she even know what she’s supposed to be doing does she even know what my sexual organs are? What dies she think she’s doing? Hahahahahhaahahah. This client had had no prior experience having sex with women and she was just horrible at it, technically speaking. So our dissociated viewer turned it all into something that could not possibly be defined as sex. Funny, it amused us no end. Straight girls, sheesh.

At some point in there the Furies (past self abusers who are now primary defenders) were able to get this chick off us and say okay that’s enough this is not cool. The woMan pretty much complied. She smiled and said well there you go, an early Valentine’s Day present from me to you.

We froze. How do we get out of here where’s the door we should say something soMebody say somehing. So as the Furies were getting us dressed and ready to go out the door somebody said well I really have got to fly, you can pay me next week.

We laughed about this whole thing for several days, completely unwilling to believe that we’d been assaulted again. Especially by a client into whom we had put so much time and energy. Dealing with this meant dealing with all the rest of the rapes all at once. And since there were 40-50 of them we really just dis not want to go there.

After about a week the hilarity sent away. It was replaces by a very unstable time of flashbacks triggers and pain. We kept saying but relative to all the rest this thing was nothing. But Sad was bleeding all over everybody and we became completely unhinged. One horrid trigger after another kept us juMping to preserve any sense of sNity at all. We could have easily fallen into a Black Pit and been hospitalized. Again. Not so much.

We did eventually fire the client. Many readers and therapist all seemed to think this was necessary so that is the advice we took. Rapist client was furious. Who was going to fix her dog if not us? Who was going to help her? We were making a huge deal out of nothing. We did ‘t ever say that the woman wen way, way over our boundaries because she just didn’t get it. Just another straight girl who believes that every lesbian wants to sleep with her. She just didn’t see the violation because we’re a dyke. Did not bother to explain.

After the panic ran it’s course we were left with this stunning feeling of nothingness. Shut down I suppose. We couldn’t feel a thing about it. Which became the third big processing issue. Why can’t I feel outraged of sad or, well, anything about it?

And that’s when it hit me that I had been through sexual traum again and that our brain is wired for what to do in such situations. We bad stored little pieces of it in fractured little places. Of course we couldn’t find a “whole” experience of it, we’re no whole! Duh.

We feel better now. This thing will come up to be dealt with when it is it’s time. Just like all the other traumatic material. It is a huge relief to have off our shoulders the burden for quickly processing this and moving on.

Right now we are worki g on becoming safe and on learning new coping skills. First things first. Things seem to be better under our control. Today is an anniversary but we realize that it doesn’t have to be at this time. When it’s time, when we are ready, it will come. The End So Far

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