The Great Sahara

We feel so empty. Which is odd because our problem in general is a teeming mass of screaming howler monkeys. So this isolation and deadness is very unusual.

Nobody’s talking. The littles aren’t playing in their rooms, nobody’s singing Patsy Cline songs (trigger to mom who had a beautiful voice). If is like we’re blank inside. Not as in extremely dissociated but that is probably what is going on.

We are off Twitter for the time being because we have nothing positive to offer the tweetstream and because we simply cannot bear all the upbeat stuff that flows across our eyes.

Wha we feel we suppose is desolation. Utterly desolate. Our mind sees us in the middle of the Sahara desert. You know, huge dunes of sand And howling winds that push granules into our every pore and that sting the skin. We’re standing in the middle of this landscape because it is all too obvious that nothing can grow in this place. Oh there mY be some insects or something that can eek out an existence butthat is about it. Nothing heals here, nothing flourishes in this place.

And that’s about us in a nutshell. Something very important was stolen from us before we could reliably walk. And we finally see that fertile ground is a thousand miles away.

Something happened in therapy although we do not know what if was that swung into this place of mourning and utter desolation. Maybe it was T needing go change a session a few weeks hence. Maybe it was talking about how awful our mother really was. Maybe it was T not wanting to talk to the new splinter saying instead that we need to go back to the beginning and figure out what we want from therapy in the first place. Maybe it was her impatience with this new thing.

T has insisted from the get-go that we need to not be so separated from one another. She says we need to recognize safety. But we don’t know what that means.

And so it really truly feels that we have lost something here. Maybe we’re just overwheled by grief. What we know is that today we saw our first crocus of spring. Which for all our life has been a really huge thing. Signal for growth and redemption from the cold and the dark. And we couldn’t feel a thing.

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4 Comments

  1. March 16, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    Hello my friend. Please try to remember that it isn’t easy and we do have good days and bad days. There is grieving and mourning, there is sadness and letting go. There is learning and new understanding and it is often exhausting. I hated some of the processes that my therapist wanted to follow. I was unsure much of the time. But it is worth it. You are worth it. Hugs, Darlene
    by the way, I LOVE your new blog. It is beautiful and my fav. colors too!

  2. March 16, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    Thank you so. It is an awkward place, this. Where one can begin to see those deceits that are holding up the fragile deck of cards but can’t envision Amy other way of being. Hence the desert. We won’t quit we will continue to plow/stumble on. But going on blind faith in the Process is so difficult. Thank you so much for your comments. Sure we will read them again. Glad you like the color sche when we can we are going to spiff it up.

  3. Ravin said,

    March 16, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    Sometimes the process just kicks our ass. Like walking out of the TD’s office and realizing we’ve become lost in a spiral of grief or that we can’t connect with our body or that everything is somewhere down a long tunnel.

    Some of us can feel and others can’t, never sure who’s going to be up front.

    Ravin

    • March 16, 2010 at 9:21 pm

      God, that is so where we are at. Just depends on who or what is there. And since we still don’t know all of them. Like being in a small motorboat with a blindolded and running around without being able to see. Then after days ab
      nd days suddenly you are on a wharf. Who wouldn’t be terrified man?


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