There Are No Tigers Only Fruit

March 17, 2010 at 4:06 pm (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor)
Tags: ah-ha moments, buddhism, DID, epiphany, facing fear, fear, therapy

So we called T yesterday to ask for time today because I was feeling as empty and deflated as we remember feeling in an age. We were totally out of it. Our inclination was to run away, far far away. But having committed to the Process, we called and got in this morning.

The Weaver is our prime communicator these days by agreement. She’s rather the organizer. But since we tossed out our old internal system she doesn’t have a job, and so she does much of the talking.

T was saying what happened on Monday. Talking about mom burning us when we were a baby. Talking about old therapist around whom there still swirls a ton of bitterness. We were talking about the fact that no, T does not dislike us.

We said well there was also the alter you didn’t really want to talk to. That you said we have to back up and focus more on your safety blah blah whatever that made us feel totally rejected. Which had just occurred to us as we were talking.

We mentioned that we still don’t get what safety is, that even if we were in a safe relationship with wifey for 17 years it doesn’t FEEL safe. There is no such thing, what does it feel like? What are we shooting for? T says well whaT about me have I abused you in any way? Not yet, no.

And there it is. Not yet. Nobody can be trusted, we can never be safe because there’s always an eventually.

T once again says but you ARE in a safe relationship, you’ve been living in one for a very long time. Back and forth but it doesn’t feel like it but it is but….

We wandered away at some point, talking about how tired we are, that this process has us completely drained. T said yes you look completely drained today. The see-saw of up and down is just exhausting. That we would be all set if we only understood safety, trust and being Present.

At this moment we showed T the post somebody had written about the stawberry parable. You know the one, a man is chased by a tiger runs over a cliff sees another tiger at the bottom of the cliff grabs a branch and eats a strawberry hanging there. And it’s the best fruit he had ever eaten.

T was quite impressed. Who wrote this? I have no idea. How can we find them? There’s no internal system so we just don’t know. But it’s somebody in here. T asks if what we wrote about the story’s morale, about the essence of being Present, is something we understand or just something we’ve heard. Hum, well probably the latter.

T says okay let’s talk about this. Do you know that there are no tigers, there is only the strawberry?

What? There are no tigers only the fruit? Yes. Silence. So what you’re telling me. You’re telling me that there are no tigers anymore? That’s right. Silence. The tigers aren’t real. No. T is completely motionless. Waiting. So what we’ve been terrified by all this time, the tigers, right? Right. Motionless. The tigers and they don’t exist. We are terrified of something that doesn’t exist. Is that what you’re telling me?

Yes.

So this horrible fear of something that doesn’t exist, what does that mean? Well, it is what gets in the way of your being present. What? The strawberry, that is what is present. The tigers aren’t there. The strawberry is what is real. The fear of the tigers is what prevents you from being able to experience that berry. But the berry is there whether you eat it or not.

Silence. Motionless. So the tigers don’t exist, but the strawberry is. If we can eat the fruit we are Present? If we don’t have the fear of the tigers because they’re not there, then we get to be living our life in the moment? We can be safe?

Yes.

ZANGO. It was as if lightning struck right in the middle of that room. This makes perfect sense, this is really true. Why does this make such perfect sense? I don’t know, cautious smile. There were tigers but there aren’t any longer. That fear it is just so unnecessary. We can totally see this. No tigers. No terrors. Only strawberries. Only NOW.

Wow. This makes such perfect sense, why does it make such total sense? I don’t know. Wait, we have to write this down. You should write it down, too. Because you will have to explain it fifty times you know. I know. It’s okay I will say it a thousand times if I have to.

So you don’t dislike us? What have I said every time you’ve asked this? Umm…..well, I have said no I don’t dislike you right? Does this come from something that has happened or do you want to ask me this everytime you see me. Hah, yeah that.

The tigers are preventing you from having a relationship with me that is based on the Present. I am the strawberry. You are the strawberry? One of many many strawberries in your life. So there have been tigers in between? Yup. The tigers that don’t exist? They are what gets in the way? Yup.

Wow man. This is just amazing. I don’t know why this makes such sense. It’s so obvious, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Well, not really. But if you get it now then that’s like a miraculous thing. Why is that? I don’t know I can’t tell you why it makes sense to you now. Is that important, why you get it? Doesn’t it? Well maybe later but not right now, no. Just try to let it sink in for now.

You know there’s gonna be a backlash from somebody in here yes I know but I am not afraid. We will deal.

Wow. Epiphany of the tigers.

I have been walking around all day, just noticing things. My first cardinal of the year. First worm first crocus. Sound of the first lawn mower. Smell of brand new grass.

Colors seem more vibrant. The drunks stumbling around, celebrating the release of Ireland from the snakes. Probably talking to too many street people.

There are no tigers. Only fruit. Huh. It’s a whole new world.