New Internal System

So. We have a new internal system. T has suggested it several times before but frankly we blew her off and never really thought about it. But it makes absolute sense and we’re going with it.

I should introduce myself. I am the Weaver. My job her whole life has been to throw out whatever piece she needs to function in the world. Student, daughter, driver whatever.

The way I had run things was to sit on top with a big heavy industrial loom. I threw in strands of color that was whatever functionary. I had absolute control over this process. Nobody inside ever bothered me or questioned me. I was an autocrat. Absolute rule. I kept everybody separate and isolated from one another. As long as there were enough colors I was all set.

It was obvious within weeks of starting work with T that this internal system was no longer going to work. Alters were jumping over me to speak directly to her. Which was pissing me off and so I had to set down martial law. Which resulted only in chaos and fights and a bit of self-injury. At the same time that I was struggling to regain some semblance of control, T took away The Furies. Who served the very important function of scaring everybody to death with flashbacks and creepy self-talk, thus allowing me to keep them all in line.

Blah blah in any event I gave up the Loom about a month ago. Because our goal, wverybody’s goal, is to be just one. Which requires communication, sharing of information, being able to sort it all out, what belongs to whom exactly. And everybody in here really needs to be able to tell their story to T so she can help us get put together.

I had been waffling around with all of this, being basically a sniveling bitch, because I wasn’t yet able to let go of the authority. I feared that things would go completely awry with somebody else in charge. And I like bossing them around. Once I realized that I could still be the coordinator, though, I began to soften up. I also realized that at one time, very long ago, there was only one of her. Got me thinking.

I have always had this perception that we are made up of thousands of tiny individual splinters, each with it’s own unique piece of memory or emotional state. I realized the other day that this is not really how it works. Each of these tiny fragments belongs to a functioning character within us. A finite number of people. While it’s going to be a major bitch to sort out what feeling or memory or whatever belongs to who, and who exactly the who’s are, it is a very comforting feeling knowing that there is a finite number inside.

So. What we are is a great big jigsaw puzzle. Each piece of the puzzle is important as a part of the whole but has no real meaning sitting all by itself. The people within are composed of clusters of pieces put together. These have some meaning as independent agents. Just like in a puzzle, they form together to be a tree or a spring or a garden. Something, but the pieces only have real meaning when all are put together to make a whole Terri. That is the only way to get the picture of what she really is.

Of course, all of the pieces are blank right now, since we’ve no idea of who the Hell she is. But given time and patience and a T who is just perfect for us the colors and the shapes will come.

I really really like this internal system. It’s flexible, it’s communicative, it has as it’s natural conclusion the picture of all of us coming together. And we all together get to decide what the end picture is going to be. I like that.

It’s rather nice not having to be a jerk any more.

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