Invisibility over emotion.

Seems we are invisible today. It’s like being dissociated but without even a body to hold them together.

Being invisible is so calming. Nobody has wants or needs of us and since they can’t see us there’s no risk we will ever be thought of again. This is what we want. We want to disappear.

We know so many of our self-deceits. And yet so many more are hidden from us. This is the place they take us.

The fact is that we just can’t handle it Nd so we have no choice but to go away. There are the Furies who won’t let us suicide even though this is a perfect time to do it. The allure o the thought, it’s tempting. Just take the pills and in an hour you’ll be gone from this life. On to the next. Of course, we will probably come back as a cockroach or something. We’ve set ourselves way, way back on the wheel
Of Life that’s for sure. We have really fucked this one up.

So what does invisibility really mean? It means that something so terrible is afoot that nobody can face it down. We know exactly what it is. Yestrdah we went to see new Shrink, who in one appointment stopped the outrageous panic and overwhelming anxiety. We were telling this tomT yesterday and suddenly commented that we’re still so mad at old shrink (12 years) for making us suffer all that angst for all that time. We’re still very bitter about it.

This morning we were trying to look at this bitterness and something in our head said Look Deeper. Which we did. And what we found was our mother. Yes it was borderline malpractice for Old Shrink to make us just suffer as we did. But we could have gone from her at any time.

What we are feeling, this tsunamic feeling of sorrow, is something we have felt in forever. Mom just hated our guts. She was very clear on that. Had we never been born…why we were so neglectful of her hence so self-involved….how bad such a liar so mean so cruel so and so and so. She would have been so much happier has she never had us.

Mom hated us. And that’s the thing that has us so off today. It is a manor bigch of a thing. As if going thru such horrific
Sexual and physical abuse all thru our childhood wasn’t enough.

Mommy is never there. She does not want to be. Nobody’s there. Hello. Ello. Ello. Ello……….

Nothing was there to fill us up. Nobody there to teach us how to feel how to value ourselves. Nobody taught us about trust.

So here we sit today, with this huge pile of bullshit that even though we know from whence it came is still a huge pile.

We do not know who we are. Not a clue. We haven’t really looked at ourself in a mirror in years. We don’t recognize ourselves from pictures. We have neon orange hair and that is about it.

Our body does not belong to us. Never has that we can recall. Repeated bodily invasion does this to little children. They don’t understand that they own their own bodies because they were used for such bad intention for so long.

So we have no idea of who we really are. We’re like a jigsaw puzzle we get this now. But unfortunately the picture the puzzle forms on completion is this color of institutional off-white. Because there’s nobody there.

We are trying to stay with these feelings. But it’s not our greatest quality. Emotion seems to be nohing or totally overwhelming. We are doing our coping stuff. We are trying to follow this pain to see exactly how it came about. So we can be rid of at least a slice of it. But man it’s hard to do. We will not quit. We are in this thing to heal. But holy cow it is tough.

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4 Comments

  1. Karita said,

    March 23, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    Your strength astounds me. You will heal. I’m so sorry for your hurt.

    (But even so, I giggle a little bit when I think of you with neon orange hair 😉 )

    • March 23, 2010 at 2:53 pm

      It’s a pretty amazing color. Walking down the street the other day a streetperson said “wow hi there red!”. Hah.

      Thanks. In process

  2. Pandora said,

    March 24, 2010 at 6:57 am

    *hugs* Splinty. I agree with Karita; you’re incredibly strong. I’m glad the Furies would let you kill yourself. Selfish, maybe, but I’d really miss you.

    xxx

    • March 24, 2010 at 7:29 am

      Thank you my dear (()). It’s the next day and feeling pretty good at how we just..dealt with a very challenging day yesterday. Learned from it and that’s the best we can do sometimes. xxx


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