Of course I have an ED

My name is Splinteredones and I have an eating disorder *hi splinteredones!*. I don’t binge and purge, I don’t obsess over my body in the mirror and stare angrily at fat that isn’t there. I do not bet my self-worth on how many pounds I weigh.

My sister was anorexic around 1978-9. She was under 8″ pounds at 5’5″. Laying in a hospital bed being fed by a
Tube, begging to be given access to a mirror. She was fuzzy all over, like a peach. That is not me.

I don’t have a right to my body. So I never look at myself. What I think of my physical appearance has no relevance. That all belonged to uncle Norman. He would tell me what to where when and how. This was a big signal that something very horrid was about to happen to me.

I take no value from this thing that I am forced to live in. And one way to hurt myself is thru food. I don’t recall ever being hungry. Probably because it was Norman’s pattern to take me out to eat soon after he’d abuse me. But I was always just so sick at those times. He would have to threaten me to eat. Which worked of course but I would never faste anything pu down in front of me. I could o ly taste the fasted of the immediately prior abuse. Sweat semen alcohol cigarettes…whatever.

As I grew this revulsion of food has continued. It’s not what food does to the body, far from it. We will go thru a period of seved days without eating a thing, then will for unknown reason snap out of it and blitz the grocer’s for junk food. It seems to be about all that we can tolerate, carbs and sugar. And salt. But salt alsYs leads to taste flashblacks to the semen thing so that’s really not so much.

When you have no entitlement to your person it doesn’t occur to you to consider how you look. We’ve lost 40 pounds in under 4 months and we have gained as much in return. Honestly we do not notice it at all.

We don’t plot and analyze and angst over when and what we’ll eat next. It’s not a comparative thing. Honestly I don’t even really know what we eat and when. If is a complete blackout kind of a thing.

I will sY that we feel our best when we haven’ eaten for days. There is a sense o self-punishment and self-harm that is very attractive. But eventually we forget about tha and we will munch on apples or corn chips or bananas or chocolate. We do not know why.

So. This ED thing is pretty much last on our list o priorities. Keeping safe, not jus giving in to the constant suicidal taunts, that is pretty much our priority.

It’s just more weirdness.

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4 Comments

  1. Karita said,

    March 23, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    Memories, punishments – is that what it’s about? If you could sort those things out you would be able to eat more healthily? Sorry for being dead simplistic!

    *Hugs”

    • March 23, 2010 at 2:57 pm

      Yes we would be able to. Although that’s just a guess as we’be been doing this our whole life and so. Really anybody’s guess. Thanks x

  2. eggplantinspace said,

    March 23, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    I like your honesty.
    There is a fascinating link between food and self harm. I hope you find your way through it. I hope you find a way to break the link. I wish you all the best.

    • March 23, 2010 at 8:06 pm

      Thank you for stopping by. Yes, hatred and food. Classic issuenin this culture for sure. Not top priority but maybe it should be. We’ll
      see. Thanks again for your words and wishes 😉


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