They are me with Gratitude

So. All my life I have been running. Creating alternative faces as the world demands. There is quite a collection of children teenagers and adults in here. Also memories and emotions tha are independent of personalities.

Central came into therapy. We are so, so sad. Everybody owns their own sadness and it’s new to just about everybody. Seems overwhelming totally so.

Then I heard myself say it’s all me, isn’t it? I mean, I am
Just one person, I know that many older ones do. But that means that ten years of horrendous sexual abuse, rape,, torture, prostitution, all my mother laid on me. It all happened to me. All of it.

And that’s just way too painful. Way too real.

If we hide and flee and freeze and create alters and divide up the abuse into a thousand tiny pieces, then we divvy up the big black cloud of horror. We can stay busy pulling ourselves into an intricate pretzel, hoping nobody ever comes to eat us again.

Unfortunately all of this is a lie. There is really only one of me and it’s a miracle that I am still alive.

But if we stop running and dodging and doing whatever we can to make it all unreal–then that’s what it will be.

Real. God.

I could stop here, feeling overwhelmed until frankly I go out of my mind. But that would based on fear and fear alone. And I am committed to looking at the black places so I can use it. Use it to improve my life.

So. Sit quietly. Close my eyes chant and see what else is there. And it’s pretty amazing stuff. There is this sense of lightness of being, like truth just has an intrinsic anti-gravity force to it. Like an amazing relief. Like tons and tons of rocks came flying off my shoulders.

Personal energy. I cannot feel it at this moment because I am so sick. But I can see it, and I’ll be able to recognize it when it comes. It’s the energy that has previously been taken up by a lifetime of avoidance. I have never before felt how much it has taken to keep the truth away.

Room to change and grow. With all that drag gone I can see that I can fly. Anything good is possible.

It’s incredible. Horrific and great. I know that this is no close to over. I k ow it’s going to get worse before it gets better. But I have a reference today and that for me is huge.

Epiphanies are great and yet they totally suck.

IT’S THE NEXT DAY. I am really feeling how much it has taken out of me to try to keep up the lie that somehow the ahit that was forced on me wasn’t really REAL. Forgetting about it, keeping specific events and the people they happened to separate from one another to keep the big picture impossible to see. Depersonalizing/derealizing to keep all things unaffected by me. Being certain that while I walk and talk and stumble my way around the planet I wasn’t really alive.

Better to be dead than to accept the horrors. I mean, if I had died the first time something was done to me–another reason why none of the rest of I could be real.

I suppose I froze 48 years ago on my first assault. Like a fly trapped in amber. The pine tar was then just the way I reacted to the demands of the world. Inconsequential.

I have become fully aware that I have no sense of timeline in my life. No sense of being young then getting older and older. Because as I have grown new personae were made up to deal with the new stressors. I don’t have a sense of time because there IS no sense of time for me. So what is going thru my mind is that all the horror happened to me at one moment. Infinite density, like The Singularity if you’re into sypermassive black holes. But just as there can BE no such thing as physical infinite density this can’t be the way I worked for me either. My 40-50 odd assaults were events that happened over time. Once I get this part of the weirdness figured out I think I will be more efficient in dealing with my beloved alters one at a time.

Yes that is what I said. My beloved alters. They kept me alive. They kept me from livingy entire life locked up in a nutward somewhere in Northern Maine, safely hidden away. They have lived foe me and learned for me and kept me going. What greater gratitude can one have for such people? It’s endless thankfulness. Endless.

I see all of the freed-up space that is going to be made in my life with the stoppage of the running and hiding and dodging the bullets of a very big hot mess of a mind. I had never considered this before. All things a this moment seem possible for me now.

I know that I will pay out bigtime for this new awareness. It is what I do. It’s jus how the illness works in me. But with each one of these little understandings that hits me over the head like the baseball bat my mother once swung at me, the good stays out a little bit bigger. I could be choosing right now to wallow in an oh my god it is real and it happened to me. I could be choosing to fall apart at the seams again.

But I think I much prefer this gratitude and compassion. It’s like an uncontrolled virus in me that grows with every breath. It lives for me, for all the me’s. More cool though is that it is growing toward everyone and everything I see.

When the times get bad again I will have this to get back to. Fabulous.

Darlene Ouimet is a master of a woman. In her blog Emerging From Broken she talks about transformation and about how it works specifically. I am so, so grateful for her courage in the message she writes. Frankly since I started reading her I haven’t really understood what she has to say about the road to Truth and how great it is to be on the other side. But I get it now.

I get that I can fly.

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18 Comments

  1. jo-sexualself-injury said,

    April 6, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    Yes, it’s an uphill battle, but you have the strength to do it. Look how far you’ve come. I admire how you keep your chin up, even on your tough days. You don’t give up. You give me hope. I’ve learned a lot from reading you blogs.
    jo

    • April 7, 2010 at 7:18 am

      Well that males my day! I am so glad to have been of some help. Sometimes you’re the windshield sometimes you’re the bug, y,know. Be safe notice it feel it and Use it to better understand your life. When ya can ;). Be well

  2. Karita said,

    April 7, 2010 at 4:54 am

    Thinking of you, honey. Love and strength to you.

  3. moreheads said,

    April 7, 2010 at 7:01 am

    It’s like the perfect storm when all the pain and ‘knowing’ comes together. It’s having that past hit all at once or damn near. Yes we got thru this once but then we sent it out in all different directions to cope. COPING skills are what help, they are a must before doing this work.

    Here we come to the realization that the body carries it’s own memories, it has the only linear history, it was ALWAYS there. That was hard to wrap our heads around. When the flashes hit and the body responds it is sending us everything.

    Ask your T to help you develop coping skills they are the thing that gets you thru. You will get thru, even if you have to jump on the D-train again.

    Thinking of you Gal! : }

    Ravin

    • April 7, 2010 at 7:15 am

      Thanks. Have lists and lists and lists of ways to cope when I’m smacked in the face by shit like this. They work great when there’s no pain around ;). Then they sorta fall apart. I will figure it out thanks hon.

  4. April 7, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    I got shivers all up and down my whole body when I read this post! YES YES you are on the road, and yes it is a tough journey, but it is possible. Reading this post I painfully remember when I realized that the abuse happened to me.. not to the alter that took over for me, but all of it happend to me. I rememeber saying to my therapist in a stunned kind of wonder… this happened to me.. and realizing that the alters were me. This was a huge huge jumping off place for me a real beginning on the journey to wholeness and there are many beginnings, but this one… this one is fantastic!

    So yes, we brace oursleves because we know it is going to hurt, but OH I can’t tell you enough how worth it that it will be. Welcome to your new life. I am so so so blessed and thrilled to be a part of it!

    Love Darlene

    • April 7, 2010 at 1:45 pm

      Thank you. YES YES means alot. Sometimes not quite sure I am on the right path. It feels like finally saying okay just can’t hold up the walls anymore. Like just letting go. Terrified, but just letting go. I think of your thing about having stronger wings than they can break. You’re awesome. Thank you ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • April 7, 2010 at 3:29 pm

        Yes.. my wings are stronger than thier clippers.. this wasn’t always so, but it finally happened.
        There are always those times when we are not sure we are on the right path, and that is why it is so valuable to have each other on the journey.
        Hugs, Darlene

      • April 7, 2010 at 3:42 pm

        Yes. Thank you for affirming this place I’m in. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  5. Karen Monroy said,

    April 7, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    Love, light and courage~Blessings

  6. April 7, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    I haven’t been here before. I just came from seeing a comment by you on Darlene’s blog. You have so much courage. Some days it takes all that you have just to put one foot in front of the other to take the next step. That is all you have to do. Just take each day one step at a time. The journey will eventually get easier. Right now it doesn’t feel like that is true but it is. Those Big Three of Love, Light and Courage surely do help.

    • April 8, 2010 at 7:01 am

      Well thank you for stopping by! You have been on my list to check out for some time. Honored. Patience is not my greatest virtue but I suppose in residing my life I haven’t alot of options.

      Kind of you to stop by, thanks again _/\_

  7. Carla said,

    April 8, 2010 at 7:45 pm

    Your post really moved me Splinteredones. I felt really excited for you and felt inspired myself. All the best of courage and love to you as you continue on your path!

    Carla

    • April 9, 2010 at 6:33 am

      Well thank you, Carla. Gets so confusing beginning to come aware of the vast numbers of layers in the lies I absorbed. Nice to have this break in the clouds. Appreciate your words of encouragement more than you know ๐Ÿ˜‰

  8. Louise said,

    April 10, 2010 at 2:38 am

    baby steps


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