Sitting at songha as Ego attacks

I had been just miserable all-day long trying to wrestle down the enormous guilt for having lived my life in a totally fictitious way. A multiple way that certainly I did not choose. But fabrication all the same.

I had been ruminating on this since yesterday afternoon. The blackness the guilt and shame and fear growing like a weed. A very fast weed that kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

Not knowing what else to do I went to a Nepalese Songha and sat down on the grass. I focused first on what was there to see. Beautiful flowering trees and daffodils and tulips that seemed to opening as I just sat there and watched them.

I changed my focus to what I was hearing. Tinkling of chimes in the breeze somewhere. Birds of all kinds, even a
Few wayward seagulls. Wind moving the baby leaves around. I smelled the perfumes of spring, the pollen and the flowers and those flowering trees. I smelled Lilac, which is not out yet. Strange.

And this was my clue. The Lilacs. My mother’s favorite flowering bush. The scent of them in our yard as a kid would make me choke.

So. Mom? You’re not telling me the truth those things could not have happened because nobody in my family would do such a thing. Liar.

I sat there listening to my brain bring up my mother’s words. So clear in my mind after 45 years. Liar. This was generally her justification for whatever punishments she was handing out to me. Liar.

And so here I am. Liar. Ego sAys your mother was right you are a horrible person. You have chosen to run and freeze and dodge and split apart and do whatever fucked up
Things you did just to not see Truth. To not have to think Poor me. To not have to deal with horror tha overwhelmed your mind. Ego says you are a total jackass.

Mom says you’re such a horrible person. Ego says your mother was right.

And then a merciful part of us came into our awareness. You did what you had to do to overcome horrendous abuse. This is what brains, human brains, all do in such situations. And since you were so young when it all happened you never knew anything different. And like it or not you are a human being.

It says feel gratitude toward these parts of you for they are very, very real. It sings me a lullabye swing and it tells me every little thing’s gonna be alright. You have help now you have incredible power you know that. Ego is just fucking with you again.

Breathe. Breathe. See hear taste smell feel. This moment. I have a very long road ahead of me, full of Ego and diversion. It is the seeing things for what they are that is so painful. But Ego is taking me off the path. Ego is misleading. Ego wants to feed on misery that is not relevant.

I stand up and I am aware that I am smiling for the first time in days. Your life–use it.

Advertisements

6 Comments

  1. frostwolftfirerose said,

    April 14, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Some people came to my blog from yours. So I was curious to see what was here. I can relate regarding Ego.

    Ego. Easing God/dess Out.

    • April 14, 2010 at 1:27 pm

      Nice to meet you. Will have to check you out! Nice acronym. Thanks for stopping ny. Read away;)

  2. Tracie said,

    May 20, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    “Your life-use it” <—such powerful words! Thank you for sharing this!

  3. May 22, 2010 at 11:21 pm

    Don’t listen to your ego when it is putting you down with criticism. You are not a liar. You did the best that you could to survive and you did survive. The splits or alters whichever you call them helped you to survive. For that I am grateful. I am learning from reading your blog. I am learning how much courage it does take to survive abuse from our parents.

    • May 23, 2010 at 7:23 am

      I am so glad to be able to shed some light for you dear one. As you have done so many, many times for me. Was hesitant about sending this one as it’s abit …religiony, but am glad I did if you saw something in it. Use your life!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: