Today I changed my Mind

An important thing happened to me today I think. Well, I should say that I made something happen that brought me closer to Truth than farther away.

I was spinning, lost in confusion and trying to figure out what would be the most damaging way for me to punish myself. Rumination, y’know? You get nearer and nearer to the Black Hole and gravity takes over, sucking you in. And you’re stuck. Same shit over and over.

But today I changed my mind. I decided to listen to my head. To see what might be there. I made myself go to a beautiful place and just sit there.

And my mind gave me the answers I sought. It led me along, step by step, to the things that Ego was putting in my head. What was triggering me over and over to launch me nearer the Black Hole. One thought really.

It is an amazing thing. To choose to practice, to choose to Seek rather than to Punish.

My Ego thoughts are still there, haunting me. I have written them down and will take them to therapy to get help in better understanding them. This morning I was checking my Out, a collection of pills that would surely kill me. And here I am instead, one moment nearer to Truth.

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10 Comments

  1. April 13, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    I love to read these words! You are doing amazing! Hugs, Darlene

  2. Karen Monroy said,

    April 13, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Allone, (my name for you!) Dear One, so glad you don’t listen to the lies-and have the grace to seek the truth. We have a practice for a reason, and yours will be stronger for the love you give yourself. I so admire you sat in sanga and choose to Seek. Welcome to your new life Allone 🙂 Namaste

    • April 13, 2010 at 8:22 pm

      Like it. AllOne.As long as I have time to be that hah. Can’t tell what is what so I guess I have to question. ;). Namaste 😉

  3. jo-sexualself-injury said,

    April 13, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    I’m so happy for you. I know you’ve been struggling, so it was nice to read your blog. Good for you!
    jo

  4. Narky said,

    April 14, 2010 at 9:36 am

    This is just lovely to read and makes me smile. 🙂

  5. Susan said,

    April 15, 2010 at 9:31 am

    I am so loving the kind and gentle process you describe here. Sensing strength, confidence and courage in this note. 🙂


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