Taking A Step Back

I need to take a step a step back. I need to recognize that I am working way, way too hard in therapy to function. It is a recognition about ten years’ coming. I just can’t do it right now.

I need to let it be that I focus on what’s important–saving my life. I have fought tooth and nail for so long. I can’t carry that burden anymore. I just really really can’t. I can’t work for other people because I cannot manage relationships atthat level. And so I work for myself. But even that–I just can’t do what I need to do to maintain and grow it.

In typing these words I feel a huge relief falling off my shoulders. I will need to figure out how to replace my income of course. Not that it’s much but it’s a pride thing and that will keep wifey off my back.

I need to divest myself of my political work. Right now I am just too raw. T tells me this and like the blogging/Internet thing I didn’t get it at first. But all these outside forces, they prevent me from putting my rage and my compassion and my rest in the wrong places. It’s just more hiding.

I Ned to come to grips with the fact that I have somehow survived horrendous, horrendous child abuse and it’s gonna take all I’ve got. I can’t really handle it now and it will only be getting worse.

I don’t want to accept this. I don’t wan it to be that such heinous things happened to “me”, whoever that is. But it seems I have no other choice and so.

White flag waving high. I know that I’m tough. I know that there is a valuable other side to all of this shit we’re dealing with now. But it is just too draining.

Of course, I’ve been drained my whole life. But this is deep and it’s only getting deeper.

T thinks that this is a really good idea. She’s very enthusiastic about it, providing I don’t just hole up and disappear. Get a mindless job ten hours a week or something just to get me out with people. Which is a mountain all it’s own.

But we just can’t hold up the pressure to function any longer. It’s a sad thing after working so hard to avoid this place but is what is. I can’t imagine how great I would feel to be so unburdened.

Still feels like failure though. Bummah.

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6 Comments

  1. jo-sexualself-injury said,

    April 23, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    I was never able to go back to my full time job. I only work three hours a week now. You’re therapist is right, you come first. It took me a long time to come to grips of not going to work every morning.

  2. kris said,

    April 24, 2010 at 9:38 am

    work is overrated and time consuming albeit necessary
    i hope you find just the right mindless high paying job to cover your bills
    maybe you can pare down to the bare essentials and invest in a dog
    or a cat – an all loving companion who will adore every part of you – no matter what
    (i haven’t read all your entries – i hope you are not allergic to animals or find them annoying because they can be the best treatment between therapy)
    good luck
    it is hard to put yourself first and you are making the first step
    xx kris

    • April 24, 2010 at 10:12 am

      Thanks, that’s very sweet. Just admitting this is what I need takes out alot of pressure

  3. Melissa said,

    April 25, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    Not a failure at all. Sometimes we need to stop so that we can reach our full potential in the future. This seems to be a much overdue investment in yourself and these are always the most profitable! xx


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