Recovering creativity can suck as it’s liberating

I’ve been working today on the new painting I began yesterday. With oil paint, or the way I do it, you have to do it in layers to let the paint try partially or completely, depending on what effect you want to have. For example if I paint a blue square then put white over it right away what I get is a lighter blue square. if I wait a day or two i get streaks. If I wait three or four days, I can paint white over the original color and white it is.

So anyway. Today was the day to add communication between various alters, represented by flat colors. I blurred some boundary lines where the boundary lines in my head do get blurry. I lightened a few colors that were louder on canvas than they actually are.

And I added in the traumas. Little dots lof crimson red as blood for the alters who are still bleeding. Black dots demarcations between alters and depression pits as they live in our various parts. Which of course means seeing them. I was a good girl, checked in with the littles’ caretaker, the teenagers who are just sullen problems about everything. Generally everybody was thinking it’s so cool to be able to paint they didn’t really care what came out. Until we were done with today’s installation. Now there’s an uproar. I have been telling them all that secrets are what keeps them where they are and now I suppose most get now what I meant.

But it is such a good sign that I am getting visual creativity back. I have missed it. Like all the other things I’ve painted, I am not interested in what anybody else has to say about it. Of course this is the first time I’ve painted with cooperation and awareness of the internals and they’re all up and down and freaking and ecstatic and delighted.

But I have to say I am pretty much blissed out. It is great practice in letting Ego go, great practice. Put on a little Dave Mathews, light some Nepalese incense and see what comes.

It’s a huge canvas and is very vivid, so the thing takes alot of space to understand. It’s like most of my stuff is; I have never done representational artwork. I figure if you want to see something exactly as it looks take a picture. My interpretations are what is valuable to me and to my buyers.

It is so liberating to have back this part of my life. I have been lost without it, like a woman who has completely lost her voice. It has always done so much communication for me. I don’t paint for clients, I don’t paint things that I think will sell or that will be lauded by others. I paint for me and if it’s not for somebody, or anybody for that matter, i am okay with that.

In the end, no matter what we feel or think about this current self-portrait, it is us. It is the Flow, it is the Universe of our mind in small. Which is a really cool thing.

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2 Comments

  1. Karita said,

    May 3, 2010 at 3:33 am

    It’s brilliant that you’ve got this back. Hope you’re feeling calmer today than yesterday. 🙂

    • May 3, 2010 at 6:29 am

      Ah, I was fine if putting out excessive energy. Tempramental artists. Sheesh. ;). Thanks


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