Being dumped by therapist

So okay, I have been unceremoniously dumped by my T. Of course there are issues of inadequacy having a target on my back being guilty and shamed and it all must be something too fucked up in me to make a professional
Behave in such an irresponsible manipulative lying blaming way.

But mostly? I really am relieved. I feel more like myself/ourselves than I have in months.

I look back af some of the stuff I’ve written over the past few
Months. Wow. I have been out of my head. Alot. I have been suicidal and eating messed-up and self-injurious. I have made no sense whatsoever. On a constant barrage from
The people in my head.

This is not me. I am a mess, absolutely yes. But T did not know what the hell to do with me. She would intentionally open a can of worms then leave if open to rot. And freak out when that impacted me.

She was constantly telling me what we would be working on together. Not that we ever really got around to doing any of that work. She would say you need to be more stable. No shit. How do we make that happen I’d ask in tears. Well, we will be working on that together. Okay, so then can we start doing that please? We will be worki g on it together. Yes, so can we?????Please??? Yes we will be.

I’ve no doubt that in principle T understands how trauma impacts children hence adults. She totally gets the process. She just has no idea of how to affect change in a
Clinical format.

The accusations got pretty old. I am enacting my trauma in therapy? Jesus H of course I am. I need help. Yes, and that’s what I am paying for.

I often had the feeling that what T was thinking and what she was saying were two separate things. It felt and feels like a credibility issue. Like she had no idea of what my process was. When I would describe the mayhem in my head after she dismantled my internal system then could not at all help me with coming up with a new one she’d be baffled. My behavior was a fault. Here’s an idea. Why don’t we have a plan forward based on experience and knowledge of what we need to do before we go tearing things apart? I still don’t have an internal system
But since nobody is stirring the pot constantly everybody is calm and resting.

I hated going to therapy. What would today’s issue be I’d wonder. Did I send a tweet that she felt violated her in soMe way? Talk was often about what she needed to have. I mostly felt an odd almost third entity in the room.

I had trust issues. Of course I have trust issues, a big part of what I was going to her for. She seemed to almost resent this at the same time as she would say that trust needs to be built over time. Very confusing.

I enact my trauma in therapy. Of course I do, I told you that I would. CPTSD, hello? It was her job to help me see this, yet she cited it as a reason for dumping me.

Things are much quieter now. I am back, the me who wants fun. The me who is interested and who genuinely cares. The me who is compassionate. The me who wants to
Be healed. And who trusts the Process.

I have learned many many things in these past few months. But lemme tell ya this time around I am going to be alot more careful. I believe what drew me to T was her great marketing and what kept me there was to overcome excessive control stuff. Not so much.

This time I am looking for somebody who is interested in helping me. Me. Because I deserve that. And I believe the Flow will eventually provide memwith that person.

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8 Comments

  1. May 12, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    YES YES YES! You do deserve that..
    (and you sound pretty good too)
    Hugs, Dar

    • May 12, 2010 at 3:32 pm

      Yeah, doing quite well. Abit suspicious about that of course ;). But really looking forward to looking forward. Thanks for stopping by, always a pleasure

  2. Tiger said,

    May 12, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    Yes my dear, you really do deserve that! You deserve it all, and I am so proud of you for seeing that, and being able to go forward with finding it for yourself.

    • May 12, 2010 at 3:33 pm

      Thanks hon. If you are proud of me I know I must be doing something right. ;).

  3. Ravin said,

    May 12, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    You so deserve to find someone that will come with you on your journey.
    Someone who will commit to your process.
    Ravin

  4. May 12, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    I feel so sad for you. I know from personal experience that some therapists/counselors don’t have a clue how to deal with extreme abuse survivors. Some of them want you to do their work for them. Some of them have unresolved issues of their own that they simply can’t get passed. One of my counselors wanted me to confront my mother about the abuse long before I was ready to do that. Something in me knew better and had the courage to say “No, not until I am ready.” I believe this counselor had issues of her own with her mother and was pushing me too hard to do what she had not done in her own life. You are so strong in recognizing what you need and don’t need in your life. Thank you for sharing.

    • May 12, 2010 at 5:09 pm

      Yes. Felt like a counter-transference thing honestly. But whatever. If that’s the commitment level/clinical expertise good riddance ;). It’s a good thing. Thank you so for your compassion.


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