God I’m so much Better

Wow. I have been going back into my personal notes over the past several months. I have been a mess. Looks like I have been on a suicidal circle at least three time if not four. I have had two short-term meltdowns and a complete collapse. My business has fallen to tatters. I have gained 15 pounds and been sick more often than i’ve been better. I have been battling compassion fatigue for a couple of months now. I have had a bunch of panic. I have been frozen exhausted confused and very very afraid.

Scaring myself. I almost went to Haiti when the earthquake hit to kill myself. What a weird weird thing.

I have been slowly unraveling and I totally know why. Next time I will be more careful.

I feel that I should take a little break from therapy for awhile. I can’t really imagine believing anything that anybody would tell me just now. I think I would be tempted to try to establish too much control, rather then being open and honest. I mean, I firmly believe my ass has been saved by T duMping me. I am grateful to the universe for taking care of that issue-laden thing for me.

But still. There is that thing that says she was right that it is somehow my fault. That thing that was directly lied to. The instability and the being manhandled by somebody insisting tha their boundaries were what mattered most.

And it is rather embarrassing to just be suddenly dumped for whatever reasons.

So yeah. Maybe I will interview one a week or something. I think I will try a man this time around. Might help w/the whole transference thing. I mean, I could never be very attached to a man. Might be helpful.

I need somebody who doesn’t spend significant portions of every session telling me how I violate their boundaries. I need somebody who is more concerned with me than they are with their online presence. I need somebody who knows trauma/dissociative disorders inside and out And who is a clinician and not just a writer.

I need to not go into CBT Hell. I need someone who is not afraid to show their emotions at the same time that they’re strong enough to tell me when I am out of it or when I am
Full of shit.

I need somebody who has a real commitment to my process. Not just lies about it to keep me feeling safe where i actually am not.

But I have learned alot during this time. I now know that there are alot of fish in the sea and I don’t need to just be re-traumatized. I k kw now that I can choose to make meaning or not of some flashback or trigger of whatever. I have learned that despite my significant fuckupedness I am
A very good person. I have leRner that I amstrong that I can take care of myself more than I thought I did. I have learned that it’s okay to be okay.

I have learned that my therapy is about me. That’s a very big lesson for me.

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4 Comments

  1. Melissa said,

    May 13, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    I’m always amazed by how you drop in really profound comments that stop me in my track because you’ve hit the nail on the head. Again! Thank you! πŸ˜‰

    • May 13, 2010 at 2:41 pm

      We’re both talented in that way. I think our minds may be similar in some ways. And that we may be in similar places although our behavioral expressions differ. It’s nice for me πŸ˜‰

  2. May 13, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    sounds like you defantly know what you want in your next T, that’s got to be a good start πŸ™‚


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