Doing Therapy Differently

I have made a pretty big decision. With this new therapist whoever they will be I am going to start ovah. I’ve been in therapy for so, so long. I have read and written and heard if seems just about all there is to know about trauma and dissociation.

Therefrom, I am pretty damn sure I know what is wrong with me. Unfortunately having this information does little to help me feel better.

So. This time I will do things differently. I won’t go in and talk about what is wrong with me with examples from my existence to back me up.

This time I will say this is how I feel. I feel that I can’t really tell what is real. I float all the time, I remember nothing with like a regular memory. I remember things by seeing them in front of me. I feel like I am a monster. I feel like sometimes I have like the brainpower and understand of a two year old.

I will say I know certain things that happened to me and I will talk about them when I am ready to do so, not when I feel pressured to talk prematurely.

I will say j cannot work much. I have no friends, never did. Never. People scare me to death.

I am going to talk about my reality. And let this person put the pieces together. I have decided to trust their knowledge. And see what happens.

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8 Comments

  1. IAmEchad said,

    May 19, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    I’m not sure how U define a friend but speaking for myself, you have reached out to console, guide & listen to me. That I consider to be a friend. I hope one day I can be the same for you.
    Getting to the place where you’ll trust a T’s knowledge is awesome. Trusting in and of itself is a big deal – at least for me it is.

    You’ve won half the battle being open to take in what’s being given to you. Now, to find your helper. 🙂

    • May 19, 2010 at 8:08 pm

      Hi, so sorry I misspoke regards friendship. Of course I have many very important close and personal friendships here. I was referring to face-to-face contact only, hon. It’s a distinction not of any sense of more-or-lessedness. It’s in my total inability to have physical proximity with people, wifey aside. I literally fear physical attack by every person I see on the street. From family, clients, everybody. It’s only an important distinction in that context, of my irrational fear of being geographically connected ;).

      • IAmEchad said,

        May 20, 2010 at 9:37 pm

        Funny you mention fear. I go to AA & my sponsor and I were just discussing it. She mentioned where there is fear there is no faith. I was feeling quite fearful today. It’s one of my biggest issues. But this time I asked myself where my faith was. It actually helped. Just a thought.

      • May 21, 2010 at 5:46 am

        I’m not sure I quite see the no fear no faith thing, bit it’s great when anything shines a light on our stuff and so. That’s great for you!

  2. Melissa said,

    May 20, 2010 at 12:54 am

    This sounds great . I think it’s hard not to jump straight into the analysis when you’ve had lots of therapy and I always found it difficult to go into the feelings, without intellectualising or illustrating everything –

    So, I think that this is a brave – and important – shift, and I really hope that you find the support – and then happiness – that you deserve. xx

  3. May 21, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    I just started tx w a trauma therapist (in lieu of my other therapists who in the past had very little idea what to do with me) about 6 weeks ago. As with many survivors, I’m big on the black & white extremes; so I either trust completely or implicitly or not at all. I tend to lean towards the former. However, I am slowly learning discernment… so I’m getting to know my new tx, more slowly and letting trust and a therapeutic relationship build. I have all these feelings, I am most often flooded by feelings. I can identify them. But, I can’t seem to talk to her about them yet. I can say a lot of crap in a double session (woohoo intellectualizing ;)), but what matters is those looming feelings that I feel that get ever-so-big, especially at night.

    Thanks so much for sharing. I can really empathize with a lot of what you said. And, it was also food for thought. Wishing you the best as you embark on this new journey. (((Hugs)))

    Wishing you serenity and a great night,
    Joy


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