Grandma’s Jello

I am confused just now. The emotional processing is not going as well as I had hoped it might.

On one hand I feel fantastic. Divested myself of a therapist who well let’s just say was not a good fit for me. Many people were warning me but I refused to recognize the red flags that were all around me.

So I am really happy that things worked out as quickly as
They did. I feel relieved, unburdened. I am very aware of the beautiful day, of the promise of Spring. I am reuniting with my faith which I find to be of great importance in my life. I am laughing not to hide abject misery but because I find things humorous.

Nobody inside us is going to miss old therapist. Which is remarkable because nobody had ever listened to any of them before. But they trust that someone will come who is better for them. Who won’t keep them so constantly stirred up. We all need structure.

So, so relieved.

And yet at the same time I have been struggling with a great sadness with a touch of depression on top. I suppose any transition is difficult. I imagine that several within us are resentful that they blabbed and were so little cared for that they were unceremoniously dumped away. As if their stories, our life, really had little meaning at all to someone we thought we trusted. Guess again.

My present outlook is that this is good practice for me. Coping. Being sad or mad or just bummed out but still being okay. Not having crises over it all when I could be a puddle of melted jello. You know, the kind with bits of white pear in it that your grandmother used to make. Ewwwwww.

I am okay. I can’t imagine that I will fall apart. As I go about the process of transition there will be ups and downs I’m sure. The alters will all have things to say, no doubt.

I have learned a great deal these past several months. I think the most important thing is that I am alot stronger than I had thought I was. I can unattach from sad and scary and things that make me enraged. I can be okay.

Being confused is difficult. Hate it. But it beats Grandma’s jello.

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