C

Yesterday I asked somebody if they’d be my new therapist. Based on how beat up I was with the last issue-riddled T I was very afraid. So exposed, all those trust issues exacerbated.

I first saw the woman last week. Felt this click. That I could say my truths and she was tough enough to take it and had good enough boundaries to not let her shit get stomped all over me.
So, her name is C. She has a wii and is a total dyke which I really like. I know it shouldn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman or what their religion is or what cultural
Background they come from. But it does. I know that this woman, who’s my age-ish, has been thru the hatred and the pre-Stonewall days and that we have similar interests. It shouldn’t matter but it is great. Also she’s involved in a really cool hospice program for gays here. Also she is involved with the psych hospital I’ll likely be going to at some point here they have a gay wing and it’s always good to have connections there.

Yesterday I said I had decided to not interview other people that if she’d have me I wanted to see her. She said so no interviewing other people what happened to that? I said I really just don’t want to.

We talked for some time about old T. About how messed up I had gotten and how afraid I was of her. She said if you were afraid of her why did you stay? I said good question I do’t know then went aroundabout this big looping thing, I did that w/my last shrink, was afraid of her and stayed over a decade. Blah blah wandering mind heard myself say I aS thinking it was abou the person and not the Process. Tell me more about that. Well, I thought of them both as being the only person who could help me. Go on. I guess..I wish I knew I guess, well I guess I wanted both of them to save me. Yuck that’s not too flattering hah. But that is it. Looking for the savior I didn’t have as a kid.

C looks at me, waiting. Said but if I am looking for somebody to save me then it doesn’t belong to me, I have to be my own savior. Right?

C says well I will tell you right now that I can’t save your ass. I said no for the first time just now I get this. C says I know. I say shouldn’t I have seen this before why am I seeing this so clearly only now? C says you know when you know.

How cool. Csays new realizations, learning! I love that! Laughs. Makes me laugh. How cool is this.

C then says okay enough just file that away for now. What did you do this week? Well mostly floated. Told her ant my safe house in Maine she says how cool is that it’s not a bad thing to dissociate there if you need to. Say yeah, right? Yeah.

C says did you do anything with friends? Friends locally you mean I have none. I don’t know that I have ever really had a friend. C says ok so let’s talk about that why is that? I’m afraid of people they hypervivilance in me says it’s just a matter of time before I get totally fucked. Even by wifey, 16 years together is irrelevant. C says so everybody is out to get you? Who do you trust te most? Nobody. Eyebrows go up nobody not your partner even? Well, her as much as I can, but that’s really not much.

C says I want to draw you a diagram. It’s a series of circles. I’m in the center and maybe a person or two, she draws x’s. Then a bugger circle around that one more x’s these are people who aen’g as close but still quite so. Another larger circle more x’s then another. She says this is your life and how you create safety for yourself. YOU control which circle a given individual belongs in mpeople canmove back and forth if that is what you want to feel safe. As relationships change people clime clorse or go farther away from your inner circle. That is how it works.

I say wow, really? Fascinated. So I do this, I decide who goes where? Me? Yes. At this point we are right next to one another. Physical space not an issue hmmmm…

I keep repeating the same thing. Say it doesn’t work at all like that I am in the middle of a tight little circle with huge walls and anybody can get in and destroy me at any time.

C says I know that’s how it works for you. Try thinking about it this way though how does that feel? Slot less fearful if Incan pull it off. Safe, it feels safe. Like i am in control.

C says I know that’s how I works for you. You’re throwing out the baby w/the bathsater yes I know. But I don’t have to keep doing that? No you don’t.

Relief is peeling off me. Say I am listening to my head what’s it saying lots stuff. Like what? Well, you’re an idiot for never getting this before. Like this is really cool like this is so scary like being in control that’s slot of responsibility. C says yeah thaf’sabout right for you to be thinking.

Then she says okay enough for now. She says this is how we affect change in your life. Tiny bits at a time like this one.

So we talk about what may be some social opportunities until I say I am getting scared and C says okay, no more about that then. Just let it sit there, think about the possibility in living in another way. For now just let it rest there. I say hah I see a painting coming on C says how cool yeah do a painting or two about this then lemme see it. I’d be fascinated to know what that looks like.

We’re mostly out of time now. C says so you want go see me again? Do you think you can work with me yes of course otherwise I wouldn’t differ to do so. Coolness. I just love this direct thing.

I say so how do we do this how often? Here C says an incredible thing. She says of course we can change this later and of course i will be available of something’s going on. But for you I think it’s important for you to have time to think about what we talk about without undue influence from me. This is your life and if you see me more often than once a week you’ll never get the distance to do so.

Wow. This chick so gets me. I said that makes really just so much sense to me C says well I’m glad. I say I havenever celf this click w/any professional, shensays that’s good well maybe we’ll get lucky.

Chitchat about my new tatoo. Time to go she stands up shakes my hand. Which for now is just fine.

Amazing. Man I hope that this one works.

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18 Comments

  1. Pandora said,

    June 3, 2010 at 9:02 am

    This sounds so encouraging Splint – I really hope this one works out for you.

    You can always trust a ‘C’ šŸ˜‰

    ā¤ x

  2. Sheri said,

    June 3, 2010 at 9:17 am

    I’m glad you’ve found someone that you feel can relate to you. I hope it works out. {hugs}

    • June 3, 2010 at 9:43 am

      Thanks, so sweet. The insiders are all over it, a good sign. Even the sulky teenagers are interested.

  3. Finding Melissa said,

    June 3, 2010 at 9:30 am

    So pleased for you. Sounds like there’s a good connection and enough space to explore and learn. Delighted. xx

  4. CK said,

    June 3, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    Awesome that you clicked. So rare! so cool!

    on the whole topic of should it matter or not…

    i think in the broad sense yeah of course it shouldn’t and sounds like it actually doesn’t matter to you. i mean it’s not like you walked in with a list that said she had to be a lesbian, around your age etc. etc.

    but fact is, we live in the real world, and therapy is about ability to engage with one’s therapist, and i think it should and does matter – on that smaller scale. don’t think there’s anything wrong with finding that a common cultural understanding could foster a healthier/easier therapeutic bond and all such things. i mean, shouldn’t it feature as relevant, if it’s there? not like ignoring it would be particularly healthy either and it’d just be a bit daft to turn down what the Universe is offering on grounds that you “shouldn’t” care about those things.

    seems like you care, with the proviso that it’s not that you demand them or exclude others on the basis of a lack of them. it’s a gift, maybe. or at least i hope so because the experiences you’ve had in therapy so far have basically just sucked arse and that bites.

    • June 3, 2010 at 2:43 pm

      You know what? You’re totally right. I wouldn’t exclude someone b/c they’re not from my culture, but only because I think I’m not supposed to feel the way I do. You know, the prejudicial thing. But I have to say that it IS great to be talking w/someone who comes from where I come from. I recall my first T, straight gal, asked me so what do you DO exactly when you have sex. Which was an annoyance.

      To think of this as a gift is not a perspective I’ve had. And we’ll see how it all works out. But she’s very straight-up, says I know you see this or that fucked up thing in my head and I believe that she does. I have her full attention. She asks direct questions and gives correct answers. “I’ll tell ya right now that I can’t save your ass'”. I mean, who wouldn’t love that? We shall see. I am very jaded these days, with good reason. But I don’t feel like I am flying on a pink cloud or anything. I think I finally have stumbled on somebody I can work with. With luck as my therapist says ;). Thanks.

  5. Ravin said,

    June 3, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Wow Gal!

    That is so totally how it’s supposed to work! šŸ™‚

    Our TD is Jewish, that’s a marker as well as growing up in Jersey, around same age not that we looked for those things but finding it they re there made things easier.

    Love the direct. Don’t like to be spoon fed “nice nice” but when needed I can say hey kids need you to be gentle and she gets it. Makes a dif.

    I’m glad for you. This is great news cuz the others you’ve had really SUCKED! Jus’sayin!

    Ravin

    • June 3, 2010 at 2:30 pm

      Is it how it’s supposed to work? ‘Cause it feels like it should I think.

      • Tiger said,

        June 3, 2010 at 5:40 pm

        Yes! Exactly how it’s supposed to work. =)

      • June 3, 2010 at 7:25 pm

        Crap. Well this is a good thing then. Yesss

  6. afterglow said,

    June 3, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    Hooray! I hope this ends up being a positive experience for you! I get what you said about the wanting to find someone to help – err, save you. I wish someone could just fix ‘it.’ I have a great connection with my therapist and it definitely helps me open up. I am not very good at being forward and she knows me well enough at this point that she just needs to ask the right questions. It’s sad that she has to kind of pull sometimes, but it’s what I need and she and I both recognize that.

    Sooo happy for you!

    PS new tattoo? What is it?

  7. Cassie said,

    June 4, 2010 at 12:50 am

    It’s great you’ve found a therapist who you feel like you can work with. Definetely helps with the therapy process when the professional actually gets you. Hopefully it all works out with her. šŸ™‚
    Take care,
    Cassie

  8. Karita said,

    June 4, 2010 at 4:59 am

    Love it. šŸ™‚

    • June 4, 2010 at 7:52 am

      Thank you hon. Suspicious since dumpage by issue-laden last one but hope we get lucky as C says šŸ˜‰


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