Cool therapy

I have this weirdest thing with my new therapist. It’s like CLICK! She not only totally gets me, so far anyway, but she let’s me know it. She tells me to stop talking about something that’s revving me up and am not even aware of it. She says ok right now you need to stop and do some qu gong. Or jus stop and rest for a minute you’re going too deep. Yesterday she asked me how I can maintain such tight bonds with so many of you and can’t have the most minor acquaintanships face-to-face. I was starting to think about it and she goes Wow you cannot block me any more than you are doing right now. Really am I? She says yeah and instantly contorts herself into a complex little knot. I looked down at myself and that’s exactly what I looked like. I laughed, she said ok that’s obviously a question that’s too hard just now. So why were you blocking me what ois hard about the question? I squirmed about abit before the answer came to me. She then says okay, rest a minute. After abit she says ok youncan come
Back you’re way out there. I promise I won’t ask you about this anymore. Again, not even aware I was going away. I said no, lemme collect my shit here. She let me talk for a minute or two then said okay you’ve worked hard enough for now. What did you do this weekend?

It’s all about pacing. It’s all about taking it in tiny little bits at a time. It’s about giving myself permission to heal. Permission to heal. It’s about coming to understand that my life belongs to me. Scary.

I was showing C a drawing I’d done about how I perceive life. She says wow you are really, really powerless in your life, aren’t you? I mean, how you perceive yourself? Wow!

I said yeah I am totally a victim she said no powerless. You were a victim and the powerless feeling is a remnant but you haven’t been a victim in a long time. Yes. I said it’s incredible how when flaming shit happens to little kids how deep it sticks. C looked me in the eye and said yeah it is. I said I know my self-perceptions and fear of people etc. is the view of a young broken kid but it doesn’t matter. Weird.

At this point C just says yeah it’s amazing how it sticks. There’s quiet for a second, then she says so have you named your car yet?

C is not interested in my story really, says at least not now. She says if you’re interested in it after a long time I will be very interested in it too. I said at this point I don’t really know that I need to know the rest. The tiniest perspective. I bad to jump in, get myself sopping wet with it then fall completely apart. C says yeah, what more do you need to know? I said yeah I mean I was even prostituted out, awful. C holds up her hand stop. You have worked too hard.

Then C says something that knocks my socks off. She says you say you don’t need to know any more details? That’s permission to heal. That’s what I was talking about. I said ouch that freaks me out she says yes I know close your eyes and breathe for a sec. She says okay you can think about that with me later but it’s true whether you think about it or not. I said is that why the borders between the alters are melting? Yup. Totally. That’s fucking sweet she says.

C’s priority for me is to first be able to cope with my day-to-day life. It’s about functioning at higher and higher levels. Right now she’s not even really interested in my primary relationship. Right now she’s totally focused on getting to know my mind. How and what I think. Why comes later.

Near the end of our time C says ok here are your takeaways from today. There are two. Write them down. Work on them
When you can. When you can’t or you are stuck–go do something else. I’d you get scared–stop. If you feel like you want to fall into wherever flaming fuck–stop.

My jobs this week are two. First, check in with myself often to see if I am here. Or if I’ve floAted away. Engage my senses, which I do anyway. I have no idea really how to do this. But I will keep shooting for it to get the hang of things.

My other takeaway is to figure out where to put all of you in my sphere of closeness. So many of you mean so much to me. My job is to figure out how I have let so many people in my life and not had the fear. I think I get this already. Because I am totally honest here. So I i can with C’s help figure y’all out in my life….obvious extension.

C calls me on my shit. When I don’t even know I’m full of it. She doesn’t fuck around. And she’s a total dyke like me and I don’t mind saying that’s just so nice. Near the end she asked me what I was doing tonight I said well watching the Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup. She said ah yeah right. I said yeah all that sports, you know my wife, who knows maybe I’ll get lucky. So great–she didn’t ask me about it, explain what I meant, ask me questions about me sex life. Just laughed. Common understanding. Nice.

It wasn’t until I got to my car ten minutes later that we hugged on my way out the door. With every other shrink/therapist I’ve had in my dozen or so years of nuttiness, the hug thing has always been a gigantic issue. Tiresome. But this just was. Just–fine. Like she’s
Not afraid of me. Like the woman has faith in me.

Last week when we were setting up a permanent slot for me I said so..how often am I coming do you think? C looks me right in the eye and says for you once a week. I want you to have time to think about and deal with things we talk about without undue influence from me. She said this is your life hon. I will be around when you’re having a hard time once in awhile or for a long time o course I will be here for you for that. At such times you can see me every day if you want to. But for now, you need to understand that your life belongs to you. Without me doing the thinking for you.

Man. I am still very gun shy after the last wingnut. So I still have a piece of wary inside me. And that’s okay. But I gotta say that this feels like what I should have been doing all along.

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9 Comments

  1. Sheri said,

    June 10, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    How wonderful that you have someone like that.

  2. Melissa said,

    June 10, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    “permission to heal”. Wow. Will think about that. Am so happy that you’ve found someone it feels right with and some important stuff already seems to be emerging. She sounds fab. xx

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 10, 2010 at 5:10 pm

      I’m so skittish, y’know? But seems like CLICK!

  3. Tiger said,

    June 10, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Amazing! Having a therapist who isn’t confused about what significance your being a lesbian has on your life–awesome. How the fuck is your being a dyke any different than some straight girl seeing her for the same stuff? That’s right-it’s not! Woohoo! The click is amazing, eh? So glad that you trusted yourslef enough to find someone with whom you can really work.

    ❀

  4. Pandora said,

    June 10, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    She sounds fabulous. I’m so pleased you found this one, Splint! πŸ™‚

    ❀ xxx

  5. Ravin said,

    June 10, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    This is great news Gal!
    Totally understand you’re being gun shy, how could you not be?!
    It’s good to be understood and given permission to heal, sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else before you can believe it for yourself.

    Ravin

  6. Karita said,

    June 11, 2010 at 4:56 am

    She sounds amazing, so glad you’ve got her! XXX

  7. Afterglow said,

    June 11, 2010 at 5:53 am

    Your appt sounds like it was a huge success! It took a lot for me to find a therapist that truly ‘worked’ for me. Sometimes I think we have a bit of an unconventional relationship, but it seems to work for us. The only issue with it that I have is that I fear having to leave her, or her leaving me.

    C really does seem interested in your well-being, she is figuring you out – her way, and in her/your own way.
    She sounds like a keeper!
    Good for you.

  8. Splinteredones said,

    June 11, 2010 at 6:55 am

    Thanks, loveys. I feel the need to be soooooooo wary…but this feels like none of the rest. She’s a no-bullshit, really laid-back chika who seems to give a shit. And she calls me on my shit. Fantastic b/c I don’t even know what that is most of the time. Thanks for your kind supper you all are so important to me πŸ˜‰


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