Peeking Around The Corner

I have been having this weird thing happening the past few weeks. No doubt it has to do with my new therapist’s insistence that my life is my own. Radical new concept I have to say I had always thought that my perpetrators actually owned me. In a very literal sense they did for as long as I gave them permission to do so.

But lately I’ve been thinking you know what maybe not so much. As terrifying and overwhelming as the notion is that I need to be taking reaponsibity for my life at least here on out, I keep coming across good things as well. Like I can choose to do one thing or another. I can decide what I like and what I don’t. I can tell my wife to not eat guacamole and chips while she’s driving my brand new car. Like I can let the flaming bag of shit just…go.

I don’t think verbally I think in concept metaphors, common among early kid who were broken by the actions of others. Here’s what is in my head right now.

I am peeking around a corner and while it’s scary and I fear getting “caught” at it, I see this whole great universe. It’s called thriving.

All along I have scoffed inside my head whenever I’d read some glowing description of another about the difference between being a survivor of CSA and being a person who thrives. I always thought why do people waste my time with a bunch of fucking fairy dust it’s all better now crap.

But as I peek around this corner in my mind I see what the fuss is all about. It’s in continuing to shed self-definition as what was done to me and to be able to look around it at all the good stuff that’s supposed to be my life. It’s in letting go the hypervigance and the toxic shame I have been hauling around with me for nearly fifty years. It’s about being able to live as a free person. Not only seeing the keys to my personal prison but to grab them and open the fucking door.

Because it’s my life and i can get to do that. I get to go back to school and finish my PhD. Or my MD, whatever I want. I get to decide where people fit in my life. I camper them come and Incan push them away.

Peeking Round the corner, i see Life to be lived. Thrived. Scary to even think it but you know that is just where I am and it’s okay. Survivor to Thriver. Huh

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12 Comments

  1. June 11, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    As one who holds onto the hope and joy of everyday, I wanna say welcome to hope, welcome to joy, welcome to everyday belonging to you.

    Amy

  2. Splinteredones said,

    June 11, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    Thank you. Looks pretty cool if scary.

  3. CK said,

    June 11, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    my T is sort of hinting at similar things, i think. i dunno. i find this stuff confusing, at best but i thought this was such a beautiful post. and i really really hope this path is one you can take and feel good about it… with that knowing. that peeking round the corner maybe you can smile at what you see and, well, for all of us, i hope it isn’t just a dream. sometimes i think it must be but then, there are those moments, aren’t there?

    yeah. peeking round the corner. maybe i could look forward to that…

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 11, 2010 at 7:54 pm

      It’s real hon. I know I have put out “tendrils” as C says. I have felt it and while it mostly slips between my fingers-it’s there. You’re strong, you’ll see it too

  4. June 12, 2010 at 1:20 am

    It is real and I am glad you can see the possibility. That is such a huge step forward. It doesn’t mean you won’t hurt sometimes. What it does mean is you can have joy in your life. You can have laughter and love in your life if you want them. Hugs and blessings to you.

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 12, 2010 at 6:18 am

      Yes, that’s it isn’t it? Take charge means can seek out good stuff? Wow, cool. You see with such clarity. Inspirational to me. Thanks!

  5. June 12, 2010 at 10:03 am

    Splinteredones, I have to say this. I am a singleton so I can only imagine the struggle that you go through on a daily basis. You are the one who is a true inspiration to me with all that you work to overcome every day of your life. You are the true meaning of courage. You just don’t give up and that is an inspiration to everyone who knows you.

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 12, 2010 at 10:51 am

      Awww, don’t go about making me cry ;). That’s very sweet of you to say hon. Impossible foe me to believe of course, but I decided some time ago to just not give up. I’ve generally rued this decision, but things seem to be just now beginning to come together in positive new ways. So I supose being a bull in life’s china shop may be paying off. Scary and great. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  6. June 19, 2010 at 11:00 am

    I have been through a similar process and I appreciate you honesty and sharing how you are going through it. Thanks for letting us use this great post for THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. I finally got the edition posted just moments ago. I’m so glad you joined us for it!

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 19, 2010 at 11:32 am

      Awe how cool, thanks Marj. Reminding myself it’s all about one tiny peek at a time…seems to descarify it abit as well. Peace out

  7. Tracie said,

    June 20, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    I love that you are finally at the point in your journey that you can see that corner and peek around it and know that there are better things ahead…that those things aren’t just for the lucky, but they are there for you too!

  8. Leslie said,

    June 21, 2010 at 2:34 am

    I found this post because of the blog carnival. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Thank you for writing this. I love the metaphors, and the hope that I got from this post. I am so new to this journey that sometimes I still feel like a victim, rather than a survivor. Thriver is not even in my vocabulary yet…but your post gave me hope…someday I’ll get there. thanks!


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