Feels like CLICK! Me too

As you very likely know if you’re reading me, I really really like my new therapist (C). I’ve been recently dumped by a big control and issue-laden therapist so I feel a need to be very cautious. But I want to do a little sing-and-dance thing when I leave every week.

C is the first therapist I’ve ever had who’s said outright I’ve got news for ga I’m can’t save your ass. She says that my life is mine. Huh. My life is mine? Only I can be my own savior? Huh.

Before C came into my life I saw every therapist/shring/psychoanalyst as The One who would save me. It made sense to me, this paradigm. A specific individual, my primary perpetrator, had been responsible for the horrors of my childhood after all. But when somebody else saves me, it is their success not mine. Not what I want.

I want to save myself. I love that I have a coach a cheerleader a helper. Someone to suggest things to me and let me figure out what it means. In fact, she will see me once a week. When we decided that we could go forward she said you need to see me once a week, no more. You need time to process the things we talk about without undue influence from me. Not that I won’t be here for you in tough places occasionally or on a more regular basis for awhile if you need it. But you need to get that this your life belongs to you. That you’re not a victim that you can learn boundaries that you are an adul woman and you have control over your life.

And she is right. I asked her when i saw her on Monday what it will take for me to truly get that I am not that victimized little kid. She said bits and pieces. She said by not overloading by not working too hard in therapy or outside it. Little tiny bits.

C says that it’s her job to get to know me and to stop me when I get too far. And she does it already.

I was telling C that I Am working out again, after having been off due to mystery illness for two months. I was talking about how cut off from my body I can be. Totally. She says really I said yes and started talking about how as a kid I (said) I suffered major nerve damage to the clit and have always had these horridly painful clit orgasms. I didn’t say that I was a victim of circumcision. Anyway I continued to blather on anbout how I thus learned way early to block out intense physical pain.

Then I found myself talking about sex in my current relationship. She asked a few questions and I reached a place where I guess I just wandered off. I suddenly heard her say you have gone away from me so I’m not going to ask you about this anymore and we’re going to talk about something else now. So you can come back.

There have been three or four things like this, I’ll be talking or spacing out or something and she’ll say wow you are totally blocking me right now stop and breathe for a minute you’re working too hard. Or ok that’s enough for now tell me what you did this weekend. Tell me how’s your new car. Tell me how meditation’s going. What’s your favorite color? Etc etc

I love this. I feel like I don’t have to fall into miasma of pain that come to me, hoping that if I do this re-traumatizarion over and over and over that I will finally “figure it out”.

I have been given permission to use coping skills to clamber out of my hellholes. That that in fact is what I’m supposed to do. And it’s totally working. My health is returning. I am
Able to be social albeit in tiny bits. I can have fun and it’s okay. It’s really really cool.

This past Monday near the end of our time C asked mw how I thought it was going so far. I instantly said really great. I said I feel so empowered I feel like a CLICK! that I’ve never felt before. C smiled and said wow that’s so cool man. I said how do you feel about it she nodded and said yeah I think so too. I said this is really groovy and she said yeah.

This woman tells me how it is. She’s honest and straight and she tells me like it is. She calls me on my bullshit. She’s there for me and she is doing so by letting me be me. Not by giving and withholding attention or honesty. But by letting me figure out myself.

I told C that she’s the first therapist I’ve ever seen who I’m not afraid of. She says why be afraid of a dyke cheerleader? And then we hugged goodbye.

I need to be cautious. I need to go slowly. I need to learn how to cope. If we never get to the traumatic stuff, I do not really care. I know enough. C says you know enough to give yourself permission to heal. Is that what I am doing? Yup it is. One tiny bit at a time.

Sing a little song. Dance a little jig for CLICK

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6 Comments

  1. June 15, 2010 at 7:20 pm

    Well I am doing a little song and dance too.. I am doing some cheering for you myself over here! ya hoooo.. yay for you and all that jazz.
    Hugs, Darlene

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 15, 2010 at 7:31 pm

      Thanks hon. You know…

  2. June 16, 2010 at 9:49 am

    Feck me.. a **good** trauma therapist. Well done. Well found.

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 16, 2010 at 10:19 am

      I KNOW! *shifts eyes suspiciously*.

  3. June 16, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Your therapist is right. You do the work of healing. She is just along for the ride and as a guide. You are the healer. She is the assistant. Congratulations.

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 16, 2010 at 12:38 pm

      It’s a totally new paradigm. So kewl


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