“It’s your life That what ya wanna do?

I have the perfect oportunity to jet away to my house in Maine for a few days. Tomorrow thru Tuesday. Weather there expected to be beautiful. Dad’s there and my favorite aunt and as far as they know nobody else.

I love my house in Maine. It restores me in so many ways. It’s calm quiet and gorgeous. Nothing but the buzz of love there. It’s like nothing cost-wise. A babysitter for the cats can be easily lined up. Wifey’s gone, it’s the perfect time for me to go.

I got my dad a wii for Father’s Day and frankly he’s the Village Idiot when it comes to technology so it’d be good for me to go set the thing up for him.

All the stars are aligned. I wouldn’t even miss therapy.

But I am stuck. I just can’t pull the trigger to reserve a spot on the plane. I know why but that just doesn’t seem
To matter.

It’s exactly what I am working on in therapy. Foe the first time in my life I am being charged with taking control over my life. I can hear C’s words in my head, rolling and crashing onto the beach of my soul. It’s your life. Is that what you want to do?

I’m freaking ou over nothing. Nothing. I have made this trip a hundred times. I close my eyes and imagine myself all wrapped up in a blanket, reading and swinging in my favorite hammock. No demands. None. Just being, just practicing Presence. I can smell that mixture of fog burning off amongst the forest and the salty Ocean smell. Heaven on a stick.

Lobster. Yum. It’s like five bucks a pound there. Seafood is just to die for. Do I want to be there? Yes. With all my heart and soul.

Instead I am thinking of going to the store and buying dark rum and red bull and just getting hammered. Or crushing up a Xanax and sniffing the thing.

I am analcoholic and a drug addict but haven’t had the pull of use behaviors in years. I am in big trouble here.

The world is such a big place, so full of so damn much. I’ve lived my life in this teeny tiny little restrictive space. As I look to taking charge of my life it just all seems so big. Too much responsibility. Too much danger out there still even though I know that I am perfectly safe.

I can’t take out the garbage. I can’t work out. I am frozen here, just waiting for disaster.

I am deathly afraid of taking my life by the reins and moving on with it. It seems to me that somehow I have to fight the real owners of my life to get me back. Or rather get me for the first time. And i am just not up for that.

It’s the crossroads here. Clash between limbic and prefrontal that has challenged my whole life. C would say you don’t have to fight anybody for your life it has belonged to you for a long, long time. Whether you’ve chosen to use it or not.

I’m trying to decide between picking up the phone and calling to arrange for cat care on one hand and hopping in the car to go get stuff to ingest that’ll poison me and send me hurtling backwards.

I want to overcome this. I wanna go play. I have to look over plans for the new seawall and do some other stuff there anyway. So why can’t I just do this?

I am safe. I can handle this trip just fine, done it since forever. I don’t have to be frozen like this. Frany I am so desperate I’m idealizing suicide again. Anything to not deal with this.

I don’t wanna have to deal with what all happened to me to make memfeel that somebody else has stolen my life. I don’t wanna go flashing back today. Or ever again if I can help it. It’s my choice, my life.

Tell me how to not be a victim today. Tell me I can thrive by hopping on a plane and going to have some fun and rest my soul. It’s easy in the concrete world.

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17 Comments

  1. caren said,

    June 16, 2010 at 11:36 am

    GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

    Life is too short not to go. Money is no object? GO! Cat sitter? GO! See your Dad? GO!!!

    My brother was also addicted to drugs/alcohol and is clean/sober and has been for OVER TEN YEARS! You can do it too!!

    You are only a victim if you CHOOSE TO BE!!!

    • June 16, 2010 at 11:49 am

      I AM getting in my own way, aren’t I? You are telli
      g me to go for the win? Reminding me about choice, yes. Thanks hon.

  2. caren said,

    June 16, 2010 at 11:54 am

    yes, you are! I do understand your fear though….but you cannot allow yourself to be frozen in fear ….my father passed in 2001. I wish I had the opportunity to go on a plane and see him. Not to mention all of the wonderful things you will do and how you will feel when you get there.

    I smoke cigarettes (that I can’t seem to quit) so maybe I shouldn’t talk.
    Please don’t let a wonderful opportunity pass you by, you will be sooooooooo proud of yourself if you go! DO IT FOR YOU!

    • June 16, 2010 at 12:14 pm

      Put things in motion. You’re right abt frozen in fear. Thanks for the reminder πŸ˜‰

  3. EmilyandPam said,

    June 16, 2010 at 11:55 am

    Don’t be the victim in your life….be the creator of your life ~

    YOU HAVE THAT POWER to control what goes on. What are you afraid of….why must you analyze everything into a big monsterous world? I finally had to tell myself FUCK IT! Yah I am scared, yah I can’t drive my car, yah I quit my job…..but I will fix this and stop asking why why why and I WILL SAY let’s move forward and let’s the old Emily back….

    Small steps first…

    1. Take control of your mind
    2. Call that cat sitter
    3. Get on the plane

    Alcohol and Xanax….I would have gladly joined you 2 years ago on that scenerio. IT’S NOT WORTH IT and we both know all it will do is set you further back than what you’ve done! You said yourself YOUR SAFE, YOU CAN HANDLE THE TRIP, I DON’T HAVE TO BE FROZEN. Your right, you are all that.

    Emily

    • June 16, 2010 at 12:58 pm

      yup ur so right. I just get caught up in meanings blah blah, old habit that if I go into the darkness I’ll figure it out. When I already have. Thanks hon. We’re tough, appreciate the reminder. Now I wanna go and i can’t find the fucking cellphone for the babysitter HAH would teach me wouldn’t it ? ;]

  4. Melissa said,

    June 16, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    You know the answer lovely. Let yourself listen to it.

    If it helps at all, the feelings of most fear for me were at the edge of possibility – and at the knowledge that I had the key in my hand. I can completely realise the power of this: it means that staying stuck is no longer an option as it’s been shown to be an illusion, and going forwards means facing fears and exploring new lands. It also means, potentially, that you will have to face your own responsbility in where you are – or it did for me, anyway.

    If you’re waiting for someone to push you, you’re kind of exempt. If they’re not going to turn up and it’s easy as tripping yourself over the edge – well the possibility is overwhelming.

    Advice? None. Listen to yourself. Stay safe. Talk and explore and use all that wonderful learning and insight. I did exactly the same when I started letting go of my eating disorder, and it totally changed my life. xx

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 16, 2010 at 12:36 pm

      Yeah, it’s that being on a cusp thing. My primary fear seems to be that I am ok. Hah. Thanks dear.

  5. caren said,

    June 16, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    my pleasure! sometimes we all need a kick in the butt! πŸ™‚

    I know I often do!

    I want to hear all about your trip when you come back too! πŸ™‚
    Eat some lobster for me, I have never been there and I can imagine how beautiful it is!

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 16, 2010 at 12:32 pm

      Google Bar Harbor Maine. Looks Linda like that but rouget

  6. June 16, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Splinter, you are being afraid of the whole big idea of taking your life back. You don’t have to deal with the whole big picture. You don’t have to do it all today or even tomorrow. Just take small baby steps in that direction. I know you can do it. You know you can do it too. You will when you want it enough. It is okay to take baby steps. It is okay to take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. That is how I usually do this whole spiritual/physical journey thing. It is okay to be afraid. I am still afraid of even the littlest changes but I still put one foot in front of the other with baby steps myself. One day at a time. If that is too much then do one minute at a time. That is all you can do. Loving you until you can do it yourself.

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 16, 2010 at 12:34 pm

      Yes, forest for the trees. I become so impatient w/myself then totally let Presence go. But at least I am catching it more quickly. Thank you hon

  7. caren said,

    June 16, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Melissa I love your answer as well! πŸ™‚

  8. niki said,

    June 17, 2010 at 11:25 am

    Oh dear. I can relate to your feelings of fear. Maine sounds like a piece of heaven. I hope you can overcome your fear and get on the plane and go there. I know once you are there the peace will take you over. I understand either way.

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 17, 2010 at 2:34 pm

      In Boston πŸ˜€

  9. Susan said,

    June 17, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    forward motion creates more motion:)

    you are in Boston. You did it!

    How did you do it?

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 17, 2010 at 9:35 pm

      I think I just…decided to not sit and freak. Requires further thought


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