Boundaries

My partner came home late yesterday from a 30-hour ordeal in travel. I had spoken with her earlier in the day and she was glad to be coming home. I was not there I was at my house up in Maine.

My phone rang about 4 PM. It was wifey, absolutely laying into me because in my rush to catch the cab I had somehow left 2 ibuprofen pills on the counter. Wifey accused me of all kinds of horrors. Which I could not hear. We had virtually no contact foe over a week and she chooses to lay into my like there’s no tomorrow.

Instantly I felt fear dread threats. My relationship pretty much revolves around her because I have never learned how to have boundaries. So I learned to be good, to apologize for whatever slight, to be a good girl.

Yesterday was abit different however. I recognized pretty much right away that she was not in her right mind due to the gruesome travel schedule. The level of her rage was way beyond anything reasonable, so it was hard to take it personally

I did talk with her amcohple of other times to apologize. No reasoning was in her head and so.

Boundaries. I need a boundary on this behavior of hers I do not want to get wrapped up into panic because she’s so tired she isn’t in her correct brain. Like living with amcraxk addict. I can’t allow myself to get dragged into her behaviors.

My only problem is that I do not know how to make boundaries in any conscious functioning. So as I’m in the car to the bus fo
The plane to the taxicab I will be meditating on this. Any suggestions would be helpful. Sheesh man.

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12 Comments

  1. Ravin said,

    June 22, 2010 at 7:49 am

    Don’t try talking to wife about this till she’s had much sleep.
    Start gently with your boundaries cuz you’re not used to having them and it can be frustrating at first to keep them up and running.

    Explain, explain and explain to wife how this behavior makes you panic, that it’s not that you are disregarding her complaint you are trying to care for yourself.

    Good luck.
    Ravin

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 22, 2010 at 8:05 am

      That sounds like a good plan. Thanks hon

  2. June 22, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Ravin made some very good points. No one can change wifey but wifey, if she wants to. All you can do is as you did and concentrate on how you were feeling. In the middle of her tirade you can’t do anything that will make the situation better. I wouldn’t apologize for her tirade. That is her stuff, not yours. You can apologize for leaving the medicine on the counter but her response was way out of proportion to your action which wasn’t deliberate to harm her.

    Boundaries aren’t easy and you won’t get it in one day. Don’t give up.

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 22, 2010 at 2:13 pm

      See, this seems so correct and so foreign at the same time. Fortunately C is talking about boundaries so I’ll have a practical answer

  3. Pandora said,

    June 22, 2010 at 10:17 am

    Yeah, I agree with the others, lovey. You’re bound to have issues with panicking and worry, and I’m assuming she knows this; I think it’s probably reasonable to remind her though and let her know that whilst you’re sorry for leaving the tablets out, and whilst you know she was stressed and tired, you didn’t deserve such an over-the-top reaction.

    I think the fact that you recognise that you shouldn’t submit to this like you used to is encouraging though, it’s hard to move from thinking that when it’s been your default setting for so long.

    Lots of hugs my friend. I hope you get it sorted ASAP.

    ā¤ xxx

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 22, 2010 at 2:15 pm

      Well, I guess it is a good takeaway, not continuing to suck it up…. Thanks hon. AFLO. Sheesh šŸ˜‰

  4. Susan said,

    June 22, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    Hiya:) boundaries. Good thing to work on:) something I did was to work up to the eprsonal relationhips by speaking up in situations that weren’t so scary to me. Like at a restaraunt to ask for something on purpose just to practice speaking up etc. Things where if it didn’t go well I could say “oh well. Learning experience”.

    You go:)

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 23, 2010 at 6:44 am

      Huh. I will give that a try, thanks šŸ˜‰

  5. Tiger said,

    June 22, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    Boundaries are super hard, I agree.

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 23, 2010 at 6:45 am

      I know, right? Getting great ideas here but I’m glad to be seeing C today.

  6. KellyBean76 said,

    June 22, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    It’s difficult to spend time away from your spouse. Things that seem so certain every day suddenly have room for conflict and the slightest infractions can be blown out of proportion. When hubby freaks out on me, it’s my knee-jerk reaction to cower. He doesn’t always remember how his behavior can affect me, especially if he’s tired (like in the mornings). But we talk about it, now, and it has improved. It’s great that you recognize where wifey’s rampage came from and that you aren’t responsible for her reaction. If you can let it go for now, while nothing can be done about it, and try to focus on the good things about coming back together in the home you share. The boundary will come with the acknowledgement of her pain and your own and understanding that you have the power to deal with it rationally at an appropriate time when you are both well rested. In the meantime, try to find peace in forgiveness for the both of you. Hope your flight home was smooth and that you are feeling better. Hugs

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 23, 2010 at 6:48 am

      Yes, I did get that part. About not engaging with it too overly much. It’s like Darlene Ouimet talks slot about, how others’ needs/expectations just get absorbed and keep us victims until we decide to do something abt it. Which I am trying to do now….


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