I got a Gold Star from C

So I go to sit down in the chair in C’s office. She has just this one notsocomfy chair in which my head is higher than hers, so I slouch down as far as I can. I suppose to keep clients’ attention, whatever.

C says so did you go on your trip yes I did. I was wallowing in my own angst for two days then just woke up Thursday and decided to go. C says why? I love how she is so direct, how her eyes don’t shift around. It was the whole thing about taking charge of my life. It just seemed like this gynormous thing I had to conquer. Like dealing with my pedophile and my mother and all of I was just shitting all over me.

And then Thursday morning I just woke up and said ya know what this doesn’t have to be an existential crisis. I can matter too. And by 11 I was at O’Hare.

C asked me what I did, how I dealt with what turned out to be a crowd come to see me (it’s a shame you’re so popular). I was able to engage some then go away but was with people much more than I ever have been able to do.

C says this is fantastic you lived your life! Gesticulating wildly in her chair, applause. That’s worth the plane ticket right there. Hah.

I said wait I am not done. I was laying on a hammock just swinging away when I thought ya know, you feel so so safe right now. If you were at home you’d be a mess. But I am
Still who I am wherever I am. Said I realized that this place is really just a trigger to safety I felt when I was a kid. This feeling of being safe, it comes from within me. I can take it with me wherever I go. Because I am safe. C says yes I imagine your pedophile’s long dead? Yes a couple of years ago. And you’re not that terrified vulnerable little kid, right? Right that is what I’m saying. I realized that when I was there.

C looks into my eyes. Sits perfectly still for a few
Seconds then she says that is a huge huge thing to understand. She says let’s stop and feel how great this is. Congratulate yourself right now. This is huge.

I said well I am in like two brains now. Somebody is telling me I am wrong I am a fool somebody’s coming to get me blah blah and the other side is saying no I am
Right here.

C says yeah you’re a moron you’re dangerous you sosuck blah blah whatever. Tell that part to go fuck off. Now. Just say in your head you know what go fuck off you don’t belong here anymore. After abit I said well that’s hard to do C says it’ll get easier with practice.

It’s quiet for a sec. I love how I get to relax for abit after I come out with some big thing.

C says you are making like amazing progress in the past month I said yeah well I told you…CLICK. I said this is a thing I will be on fiyah for awhile and then will go into a major clusterfuck you have no idea how horrid that is. C says well the idea is gonna be to catch it before it gets that bad. She says it’s good to have a good month to remember later when everything sucks and you cannot move. Seems unconcerned that this time will come as well. Like it’s
Okay we’ll deal.

So then I start talking about boundaries. How wife chewed me a new asshole when she came home after 30
Hours’ travel. C says well yes she was psychotic after all that time. Said at the moment I went down that pathway where I am in a panic and I’m freaked out and I have no control and there’s immediate doom and she’s gonna dump me and and and. C says oh dear well that’s no good. I said right? But this time I caught myself. Two-brained thing again. Like I am freaking and thinking this is where you were when you were 5 man. This is that same exact feeling. And that can’t be right. You are being triggered. Jackie was out of her mind yes. But I need to figure out how to not take that personally.

C says well of course you’re gonna take it personally at the moment. She’s your wife after all. The thing is to realize your reaction, that it’s based on old old information.

Boundaries, I say. How do you make them I mean how exactly does that work? C says it takes a long time to create and manage healthy boundaries. For now just try to notice when you’re on a road that doesn’t fit. It’s the (12 step) Program, right? You did AA, promptly admit your mistake and move on. That is all that you can so. I said yes I did, like 6-7 times. Oh no, Says C. You were trying to control a situation that you couldn’t do with somebody who’s psychotic from lack of sleep. You apologize once. That is all
That you can do. Move on.

Okay. So this is my job. Just be aware. Like being aware when I am floating away or when I’m triggered. C says the more you notice the easier it will be to get rid of that old mind. Create new pathways. Right, neuroplasticity.

C stops for abit to let me rest. Jesus she says you have been working very very hard haven’t you? She says this is really just fantastic all these realizations. I say I told ya I’m on fiyah. Lick my finger hisssss. Laughs all around.

I say there’s still so much of me that scares me. What do I do when I decide to toss all this away, which I am
Bound to do? C says well it’s my job to remind you, to help put you back in safety, to help you see when you’re
Mind is being stupid.

Shoes and ships and ceiling wax of cabbages and kings we mostly chitted and chatted with the occasional
Beam from C you have made such progress in a month. I say gold star? Yes gold star indeed. Tell me what your plans are for Pride. Dunno she says well there’s this race/walk along the lake of course, that might be good to give a shot. Blah blah talk aboutthe weekend some
More. I ask what are you doing she says well I’m running the race for sure. My wife’s not feeling well so I may not march but I probably will. I said oh geez if I saw you it would totally freak me out. C says you don’t have to freak out. Wow.

Dancing a tiny cautious jig with my mental gold star in my mind. When the student is ready the Helper will come.

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9 Comments

  1. moreheads said,

    June 24, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    Way cool. Ravin

  2. houseofzebras said,

    June 24, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    I so agree:) Way cool. Namaste. Susan (and zebras:))

    • June 25, 2010 at 6:23 am

      Thanks hon. We’ll see, I am understandably wary. But it seems just so great.

  3. Afterglow said,

    June 24, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    Splint, this is just amazing! You are doing an incredible amount of work in such a short time. It’s awesome that you have found the ‘helperr’ to work for you.

    I love this line ‘Dancing a tiny cautious jig with my mental gold star in my mind. When the student is ready the Helper will come.’
    …just have to wonder how to get ready.

    • Splinteredones said,

      June 25, 2010 at 6:31 am

      As you know it’s been hell getting to this point, hon. 3 therapists in 8 months. I have just tried to open up my heart to new experience. To stop telling what happened to me and start talking about how my head works. Trust the Process honey.

  4. June 25, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    I am glad that you and C click. It is good to have someone that can show you where you have improved and someone to help you feel proud of the work that you have done. I feel proud of you.

    • June 25, 2010 at 2:23 pm

      Awww…thank you. I’m on a hot streak. These ideas aren’t set in stone yet. I know there will be clusterfucks yet to come and so does C even if she hasn’t seen it yet. But everytime I get a plus–makes the next plus easier to find. Thanks hon I am honored.

  5. Melissa said,

    June 26, 2010 at 4:30 pm

    So many breakthroughs and bravery. So pleased for you and so glad that it’s working out with C. xx

    • June 26, 2010 at 4:47 pm

      You know she’s not telling me anything all the rest have in one way or another. I just hear her so clearly. Like today @ the race, she zips past me says hey I am really glad to see u here. Said Hi she zoomed along. No hours long discussions abt why I went knowing she might be there or any such bullshit. Just hi glad to see you. So simple. Guess I think she’s got my back when inevitable cracks come raining down.


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