Tossed my Suicide Stash***Violence***

I have endured pretty much constant suicidal ideation or active suicidality for as long as I can remember. That happens when you start being put in situations in which your life could literally end any second when you’re six years old and it happens repeatedly over the course of six years. I have been aware that my life could end at any moment, mostly from guns being held in or against me, ten or eleven times I’d guess.

When that happens children learn different perspectives about death. It is a very real thing. It can happen anytime. I mean let’s face it the only reason I am alive today is that my primary perp, the only one who threatened me with death by bullets, didn’t ever pull the trigger. He could just as easily have done so and you wouldn’t be reading these words from me right now.

So I learned that my existence on this planet is a random thing and that it is a result of someone else just choosing many times to not kill me. My life belongs to somebody else.

Wow I just now realized this connection. Wow. I’ll have to mark that down for later.

Anyway. Life is a chance thing. It loses a great deal of meaning, like playing the lottery. Russian Roulette. I have survived that game and let me tell you it sticks to one like white on rice. I’ve had guns shoved in every orifice on my body, against my temples, under my chin, against my heart, stomach, knees. I could kill you now you little bitch. It would do the fucking world a favor. The bullets would rip you completely apart and nobody would be able to recognize who you are you would just disappear and nobody would ever know. I could do it right now. Should I do it right now do you want to be dead cunt? Do you? Do you? Let’s take a chance and see.

He did shoot me a few times but with blanks. I don’t want to talk about that. Suffice to say it fucks bigtime with kid brains.

But enough, Splinty had this awful kidhood blah blah blah.

So anyway, life has not been a gift to me. Death has always been a likely event and a very real option. So what’s the difference between somebody else killing me and me killing myself? Only a perverse form of justice. Like taking some opportunity away from that bastard. “Getting out” is the way I’ve always assumed I will die and frankly I am surprised daily that I’m still here.

So what happened yesterday was a really big deal to me. I threw out my stash of pills. It’s a science, suicide by poisoning. I pretty much have a foolproof plan. It’s the when-enough-is-finally-enough plan. Just take the pills and be done. I will come back in 47 days and may be a chipmunk or something for a few cycles but eventually I’ll come back human again. Not in so much of a rush for that.

Yesterday morning I woke up thinking it’s Wednesday hooray I get to see C again. I made it. Remember that I’ve always seen my therapists at least twice a week if not more often. But C says right now you need to get that your life is yours to live and I want you to get that, make up your mind what you think about our takeaways without undue influence from me. And she is right. It’s like she has given me permission to do just exactly that. As if somebody has faith in me. She says there will be times when you will need other and I will let you know or you can always tell me about it.

Pathetic I know but that is how it rolled.

So I was thinking this as I took my morning stuff of Zoloft hormones and the vitamins/minerally things I do every morning. I looked up for what reason I don’t know to the hiding place where my suicide stash is hidden. I was thinking I wonder what would happen if I just tossed this shit out. I think I’ll do that I think it’s time to let it go. I went into a trance and don’t remember actually dumping them into the toilet. I woke up watching them swirl down the drain. I though oh shit what did I just do? I got rid of my primary comfort. Howler monkeys of my dramatic later kid and teenager years were going off all over the freaking place but I just watched them carry on for abit then went to do my yoga.

Just like that. Gone. And it was fine.

In fact I didn’t really think about it again until after I was in with C. I sorta heard myself say I dumped my suicide stash today. I had been resting for a couple of minutes after talking about something that was pretty tough about which I’m sure I will blog later. Doing a little breathing and spacing out. Then my voice was saying oh so I guess this is a pretty big thing I dumped my stash of pills you know my suicide stash. C said really how the hell did that go? Said it just kinda happened yes I know that but why? Why today? I said my backup phrase I-don’t-really-know but she didn’t let me off the hook. Says just sit for a minute and then tell me. I said I was thinking thank god I made it to Wednesday, that I’d be seeing you today. And they just didn’t seem necessary anymore. She says could that be because you’re looking at living and it looks pretty good? Yeah, you know I guess that’s probably it. I said I’ve done it a couple times before, dumped the stash, but that was out of fear that I’d take them when I’d been sinking into the Black Pit.

It’s just…a switch has been hit and I do not need them anymore. As I was talking about this I kinda started freaking out. C says okay you’re freaking out let’s just back up. You told a person it’s okay to tell, me. Right? Yup. You can always build it back up again, right? Yup I don’t know that I want to she says right now what you need is reassurance that this is just a thing that happened it doesn’t have to be permanent. This is no big deal you don’t have to freak about it. I’m not gonna tell you this is an amazing thing or anything right now. It is an amazing thing but let’s just let all that go for now, ok? Just sit there and breathe. Do your Qi Gong thing. Are you doing it yeah cool. You’re safe, right? You can just skip the freaking out part. Trust me you’re not that important that you have to freak over this. Right now, here at this moment, you are safe, right? You’re kid parts are just drama you do not need. Yes I say and the teenagers. Drama Central C says yes. She says this reminds me of something having one foot in the past and one foot in the future and peeing on the present. You can just skip that part, right? Hahahahahhahahahahahah yes I guess I can. C says good I was trying to make you laugh. Hah.

So that was it. I still don’t miss the damn things, there’s so much other stuff to do, y’know? Yes, C says. Yes she says there is.

The End.

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21 Comments

  1. Pandora said,

    July 1, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    I’m proud of you Splint. I just am.

    ❀ x

    • July 1, 2010 at 3:40 pm

      Aww, thanks honey. Weird how after almost 45 years it’s just, ok. I’m not so much into looking too deeply into much these days, trying to just stay with a zen approach. Seems to be working as has been pointed out to me.

  2. Melissa said,

    July 1, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    Yes there is – so much wonderful stuff for you to do. So proud of you too. xx

  3. moreheads said,

    July 1, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    Totally awesome. Ravin

    • July 2, 2010 at 7:09 am

      Yee haw. Paying for it in screaming children/teenagers but trying to just not notice them. Need a good plan for today. πŸ˜‰

  4. Sarah Olson said,

    July 1, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    I like C’s style. And that she has a sense of humor is so important. Most of us take ourselves so seriously, with good reason, but there’s got to be a place — a safe place — where we can just laugh at the absurdity in which we sometimes find ourselves. Those moments are helpful to recall when the serious threatens to overwhelm.

    And *you*! πŸ™‚ Look at you. You are doing so well in all of this. You sound *lighter*, which is not to say it will always be so, but in the moment it has to feel extraordinary.

    Savor it. You earned it 20 times over.

    Sarah

    • July 2, 2010 at 7:26 am

      Thank you hon how nice ;). My brain is split into thirds. First part going ohh lookie lookie this w/b fun that w/b good. Second part screaming howler monkeys what r u doing we are in great danger a oo ga ah oo gah. Third part just watching the warning voices, saying well ur sage now u can go off like this but I’m not gonna participate etc. Like watching the drama with dispassion. C says about this That’s called Healing, this is a little growth spurt but you are healing. Ack! Cool! Crap! Groovy! And so on and so forth.

    • July 2, 2010 at 7:30 am

      And I do totally love that C is such a smartass. And she knows that there are gonna be black times ahead but says we’ll deal with what there is to deal with. So you’re gonna get some payback on this. So what?

  5. Stacy said,

    July 1, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    That’s a very transitional time when we dump our stashes. And maybe it’s not all about the moment we do it. Maybe it’s more about the a longer period of time that we’ve been working on ourselves to get to the point where we find we can dump them. And then there’s the work to avoid not stashing or obcessing about those thoughts again. So, there is that magical moment but I think it’s bigger than that.

    • July 2, 2010 at 7:03 am

      Yes I totally agree with you. There is for me anyway that ah-hah kind of click but much much diligence behind it. So while it’s an important thing to do it really is just the end of a long process. Thank you πŸ˜‰

  6. houseofzebras said,

    July 1, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    You go. You are amazing:)

    • July 2, 2010 at 7:05 am

      Amazing? I cannot go there with ya really. But I am feeling stronger every day that’s for sure. Thanks fir ur unending support honey.

  7. Aliquant said,

    July 1, 2010 at 10:58 pm

    You’re awesome xx

    • July 2, 2010 at 7:12 am

      So are you babe. Like the Sonny/Cher song….. Babe. I got u babe….obviously a way to stay away from from the shocked kids. RHBS. Repetitive Horrid Bullshit Songs. Should be in the DSM-V. πŸ˜‰

  8. Karita said,

    July 2, 2010 at 5:47 am

    Fantastic. πŸ˜€

    • July 2, 2010 at 7:07 am

      Thank you honey. I keep looking around the corner for the boogeyman but he’s not coming so…..

  9. July 3, 2010 at 8:49 am

    Way to go Splinty.
    This reminds me of when I suddenly (finally) knew there might actually be hope for me to live and be happy one day. Living “just cause” I knew I could do because I was doing it, but living and being happy to be living… that was another story!
    This is a huge milestone! I am so proud of you taking that next step, like declaring to yourself that you are going forward!
    Looking forward to whatever comes next! Love Darlene

    • July 3, 2010 at 9:26 am

      It is a pretty big thing. C really downplayed it said you can always just build it up again this is really important but we’re gonna let it in in bits so your kids don’t go all freaky. Which is I think a good idea. But yeah, cool.

  10. Karen Monroy said,

    July 5, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    I’ve been meaning to write you a note to say congratulations, whoo-hoo, amen sista. Big Hug and I’ll will continue to light a candle for you…after I do the happy dance one more time πŸ™‚


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