Talking with my Alters

July 2, 2010 at 11:23 am (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor)
Tags: ah-ha moments, alters, child sexual abuse, compassion, coping skills, dissociation, Flashbacks, forgiveness, healing, internal systems, recovery, trust

It was suggested by my dear friend @MoreVoices that I write a blog about communicating with my teenaged and child alters. I am in the midst of this huge growth spurt as C tells me, which is making them very very nervous. I’ve been split into three brains to try to deal with them but since they’ve been sorta…fading…since I got away from issue-laden T I agree with my dear MV that perhaps this is a good time for me to check in with them, see if letting them out is helpful.

Part of me is busy living, part of me is being the screaming heebie-jeebie alter mess, and part of me has been kinda watching them go off without really relating to them.

Before beginning my interview I should make it clear that their responses to my questions may be filtered abit because I am so co-conscious these days. In other words I have them and me working at the same time. I will try to limit this interruption so they can each have their say. So, here goes:

ME: Hi this is me, the real-time adult one. I’m not gonna ask y’all for a rollcall you can just jump in or out whenever you want to. So if you want to hide that’s fine. You don’t have to respond unless you want to.

So I am here to let anybody have a say in what’s been going on lately. Because there’s been alot of change, right? And I’m hearing by your screaming that many of you are afraid. I’m hearing Red for sure. Are you here honey?

RED (5 years old): uh huh. I don’t wanna ever talk again after that bad mean lady made me talk to her and she said she wouldn’t make me go away but she did, she went away. I’m afraid I will have to talk to the new one. And she will pretend that it’s okay to get me to talk to her then she’ll do what mommy did, leave me all alone again

ME: You don’t ever have to talk again honey. Has C ever asked about you? No, right? That’s because C doesn’t have to hear your secrets, ever. You have been very brave and you can rest in your room forever now if you want to. We know enough about what happened, don’t we? We don’t have to go back there ever again.

RED: Okay.

ME: Ok, so I hope you feel better red. I am also really hearing the teenagers. Can y’all talk to me?

TEENAGERS: Of course we’re here we have been talking haven’t we? We have already said that you are making us go very dangerous places. Norman can pop up any time because you won’t sit still.

ME: I know that you all think that Norman can pop up at any time. That’s because nobody ever said it’s done, right? Norman never said okay I’m done with you. So it’s reasonable to think that he can spring up from nowhere again. But this is very important for you to keep in mind: Norman is dead. He can never come to get us, and that means nobody else can get us either. We are not living in your time anymore. I know that you’re very afraid and you think what we’re doing these days is very, very dangerous. But you are just gonna have to trust me and C on this one. He’s not coming back. The tigers are gone. You’re living with me now. I know that I haven’t been the best parent for you, like our real ones, right? But I want to know what y’all want to do. We can even have fun. You just need to trust me and C.

TNS: Trust another one? Don’t think so. We think this one is going to make alot of danger happen and she’ll just let us die. By going out into the world it’s gonna be bad. Plus we don’t feel good, everything is very confusing.

ME: I know you think that. But we’re all coming together now. Just like you know alot more about the Others, right? If something bad does happen C will be there. She doesn’t push you, your secrets are safe. If you wanna talk to her someday you can. But we know enough, don’t we? It was bad enough, right? WE don’t live there anymore. Here, let’s cut a deal. Y’all go back to Maine for the weekend. Just lay on the beach and watch, right? Notice that Norman is gone, that his buddies are gone. Notice that just maybe you can try trusting me. If we get in over our head I will take care of us. OK? You can always come back, I’m not kicking you out. Just try for the weekend to relax at Searsport, let the screaming go. If you want to you can always come back it’s okay.

TNS: Why should we trust you? You’re just gonna fuck up you always do. You let all that shit happen to them and maybe to us too.

ME: I wasn’t around then, it was the littles. You all know that there was nothing they could do. And you are past all that age, right? I am an adult. It’s 2010. I drive right? I work sorta when I can, right? I’ve been taking care of things and I’m getting stronger every day. Just try this for the weekend. If something is coming, just let me know. OK?

ME: Ok, so that didn’t go so well. I hope you can just take this weekend off. You do a thing called hypervigilance by waiting for Norman to come back. But it’s not gonna happen. You can back up, go in deeper and just watch. I hear you loud and clear, you’re waiting for him and you don’t trust anything. You have every reason for that. Just sink back to Maine and watch. I am only asking for 3 days here.

ME: Ok, so we’ll see how that goes. I have also been hearing alot of crying from the littles. Does anybody want to come out and talk or all of you together maybe?

LITTLES: We wanna stay together. Uncle Norman’s coming. You are doing all this stuff and he is gonna find us and hurt us again.

ME: I know you’re afraid of that honeys, but he can’t come to get you. We all live in a different time now. We live in a time where I am an adult and I won’t let Uncle Norman hurt you ever again.

LIT: You did before. He comes all the time.

ME: I know it seems like he comes all the time because for you he does, right? But you are just remembering what he did. You are just looking at it like a movie, where you have to watch it all the time so people will know it really happened and you’re not making it up, right? You’re also watching all those very bad bad things so nothing worse sneaks up on you, right? Maybe this time it will be worse, right?

LIT: Uh huh because it can be really bad and mommy said no but it happened. We know all about that. Plus we’ll disappear if it didn’t happen and we don’t wanna disappear. Plus you’re the one who let it happen.

ME: I want you all to listen to me very carefully ok? I was not there when Uncle Norman did all those bad things to you. I wasn’t old enough, I was you. I was each one of you. But I am a grownup now and I can protect all of us. We live in a different time now, we’re big now and we will make sure that Uncle Norman never comes again. He can’t come because he is dead. Do some of you know what dead means? Like Grammie Davenport, remember? She died and that meant we wouldn’t see her again, right? Uncle Norman is the same thing.

LIT: But she came back after 47 days. And she is someplace now. Uncle Norman too, he came back after 47 days. And he is someplace maybe looking for us again.

ME: Grammie Davenport came back after 47 days, that’s right. She I think came back as a person because she was good to all of us, right? So she came back as a person and maybe one day we will see her again and that would be very nice, right? But do some of you remember from Temple School that sometimes very bad people who make very bad Karma come back as other things, right? Remember the story about the cockroach from School? Uncle Norman is not a person and he won’t be a person for a very long time. Maybe he’s a cockroach like the story or maybe he’s even something worse. Uncle Norman was a very bad man and his karma will keep him from hurting us ever again.

LIT: Are you the Storyteller? We like her she is nice to us.

ME: Well no I’m not the Storyteller but I made the Storyteller come to help you feel better. The Nanny too. So things are different but these are good things and changes, right? We can have fun whenever you want to if you want to do something fun all you have to do is tell me and we will do that.

LIT: But fun is for the other kids not us.

ME: Well, we are going to learn about fun. I have to learn about it just like y’all do so we can do it together. Like when the Storyteller tells you a story and you go to sleep, right? That’s a good thing that is called fun. We don’t have to be on the lookout for Uncle Norman anymore so we have time to do neat things. Like skydiving, I know you all really like skydiving right? That is what fun is. And like that race with all the gay people like us last weekend. I know some of you were there, right? And you liked it right? That is fun too.

LIT: But we have to be little and quiet and still or Uncle Norman will find us. Bad, bad, bad things happen when we’re not still and quiet. And you are making them be too loud.

ME: Okay. I know that you’re very scared. And it’s my job to help you learn how to be happy. For all of us to be happy and together. I want you to go with the teenagers to Maine for this weekend. The Storyteller will be there and Nanny too. So you can be safe there. I know you all know you are safe there, right? So go with the teenagers to Maine this weekend and you can stop yelling. Just watch me while I have some fun and you will see that it can be okay. I will be here to listen to you when you’re really scared and you can always tell me when something is scary. But you can use your indoor voice and I will take care of whatever you think. OK? Just for three days go back to Maine and play around on the beach. Then we can talk about it on Monday.

LIT: This new one is making all this stuff happen and we’re scared.

ME: Well, the new one is there to help us. You never have to tell secrets again I promise. We know the secrets enough by now, right? And she isn’t making us do anything. She is helping me help you better. You don’t have to tell anything like the last one tricked you and then left you.

LIT: She was bad.

ME: Yes she was. But this one isn’t. I know you have no reason to trust anybody ever but you’ll see. Everything’s gonna be okay. It will be fun some day even.

ME: Okay, so I hope you can think about these things and let me know on Monday what you think. I am very tired now and I am going to have a sort of a nap Meditation. Some of you know how to do that I know. So go to Maine everybody. Do whatever you want to do. And just see if it’s maybe okay, just for this weekend.

Ok. Let’s hope I’ve been influential. 😉