Poem for Deciding

I wish that there was something
That I could say or do
To get you now to understand
I’m not just feeling blue

I am so tired of fighting
It’s always been the same
No matter what I say or do
I come back here again

The time is now to question
To come to suicide
Because it is reality
No matter if I died

I’ve done it all it seems to me
And yet to here I come
I work and work and work and work
And still end up a bum

My Coping list’s a mile long
And now of this I’m certain
That all the crap and distraction
Just all ends up in hurtin’

My wife’s absorbed in pure control
And I can’t make a boundary
And all her shit just feels to me
Like melting in a foundry

My therapist is wicked cool
But she is gonna dump me
Just like everybody does
No Help for this poor Humpty

Sometimes it can happen life
That there’s been too much damage
At way too early of an age
To heal to fix or triage (ouch)

And so I sit and ponder
If this should be the end
Because for this poor old gal
There’ll never be a mend

The end.

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11 Comments

  1. July 13, 2010 at 9:03 am

    First, this is kinda cool and cleve even though its clear you are hurting.

    I was here over the weekend. I’ve been where you are now very recently. Use your online peeps. Keep us near we are a supportive bunch even though we are all a little nutty at times.

    We are here for you. You are not alone.

    (and C wont dump you – the previous one was an aberration. honest)

  2. July 13, 2010 at 9:07 am

    Sign into google chat and talk to me.

  3. caren said,

    July 13, 2010 at 9:22 am

    your online buds as wounded said are here for you!!!!

    You are waaaaaaaay too talented……..

    Always remember “tomorrow is another day”, as trite as it sounds it is true!

  4. mentallygoingbackwards said,

    July 13, 2010 at 9:32 am

    this is a really good poem. I can relate to it in many ways.

  5. Sheri said,

    July 13, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Like WG said, we’re here for you. I can’t imagine that C will dump you. She’s too cool for that. I know how hard it is to just keep trying, but it’s worth it. Don’t give up. You’ve done so much for me, you are a worthwhile person and have enriched my life for being in it.

  6. Finding Melissa said,

    July 13, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    Here too. Know it’s different but I had given up hope. Someone else was holding it for me though and I was wrong.

    I’m hoping for and believing in you for the moment. xx

  7. Cassie said,

    July 14, 2010 at 2:53 am

    This is a very well written poem. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way though. From what you’ve said, your therapist is good and I doubt she will dump uou. And no one is too broken to be fixed.
    Take care,
    Cassie

  8. Afterglow said,

    July 14, 2010 at 5:00 am

    Splint, I wish there was something I could say to help, but the reality is it won’t matter. I know how you feel though. We’ve been through this up and down cycle so many times. It doesn’t matter how good your most recent ‘up’ was, the downs always outweigh the joy.
    I’m so sorry you are so down. I would miss you if it came to that.
    I’m here if I can do anything.

  9. IAmEchad said,

    July 14, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Splinty,
    My life would be different if I had not met you. You reached out to me when I was so overwhelmed and scared. I hope I can recipicate.

    Sometimes there really aren’t the right words. But my experience and those of others has been that when I survived periods of blackness where the will to live is gone, I’ve always seen it differently when looking back at it with 20/20 eyesight. With a different perspective, I’d be so grateful that I had not acted on my urges or desires. Have you had that happen too?

    When I was hospitalized in March, I was told that those of us with DID were phenominal survivors

  10. IAmEchad said,

    July 14, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    I know you’re a phenominal survivor too I offer my faith until yours is strong enough to support you again

    Xoxo

  11. moreheads said,

    July 14, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    You can mend!
    We all can mend.
    Will we be perfect, never, will we be “normal” not likely!

    But you will be you and Gal that is fabulous even if right now in the pit you can’t see that about you, all of you.

    BTW this was really creative work with words. 😉

    Ravin


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